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Reply by Ralph

30 Mar 2004, 9:02 PM

When I read Lila's message about feeling guilty for planning the funeral before someone's death, I was reminded of our family's experience. My mother is currently in palliative care in the hospital. She was diagnosed with leukemia after successfully fighting 2 breast cancers and a kidney cancer for over 20 years. On Dec 11, 2003, the doctors told us that they didn't expect her to live till Christmas.She is still alive today (March 30, 2004). My mother spent much of her life with what I call the "ostrich syndrome"; burying your head in the sand and avoiding anything unpleasant. When it came to making funeral arrangements, she really didn't want to be included. We were grateful we had done a bit of preplanning years before, when the event was not so imminent. We let her set the pace by not giving her more information than she asked for. To this day, she has asked only where she will be buried.

On another note, and this may seem a bit bizarre to some people, my husband and I built my mother's casket. It is perfectly legal here in Alberta. Before we started, we asked our closest relatives if they would be offended if we were to build it. Without exception, they all thought it was a fabulous idea - a final expression of our love for her. This was one benefit of having some time before Mom passes away. It was very therapeudic for us in a time where we could do very little else for her.

Another idea: my mother had my teenage daughter help her make list of what personal effects were to go where. It made my daughter feel like an important part of the family, and taught her that death was not to be feared.

So Lila, don't feel guilty for planning now - it makes things so much easier for everyone. If your loved one wants to be involved - let them. They can write their own obituary, or a message to be read at the funeral. You will know that they approve of your decisions if they have helped to make them.

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Reply by R

14 May 2004, 2:05 PM

I'm so sorry I have just found this page, but very happy to read all of the love and support that is here. Like many of you I have lost my Mother to the darn ole cancer.

When she found out about the state of her health, she was told 30 day at the most. My Mother was a most stubborn woman and stayed with us 8 months past the 30 days the doctors told her. (for the info of others. YES, doctors DO have a way of 'estimating' time left. Generally it is quite right, but there are exceptions)

I did all of my Mothers care. Someting I DO NOT suggest a family try to do. However, at the time there were not palliative care resources available, it all fell to the family. Today help is there - USE IT - it isn't a sign of failure on your part. It is a sign of great strength!

My Mother and I planned her funeral. We cried and laughed and she had O-such an idea for her funeral. She wanted me to arrange for a special viewing for selected people. (you see it doesn NOT say 'select friends':)!) She wanted to record a tape of messages. Each 'selected person' would be called to come to the viewing room and step up to the casket. When they did the tape would start and Mom's 'selected message' would play for that person. Shall we say NOT ALL were "I'm gona miss ya" messages. She thought this would be the funniest thing in the world. I talked her out of this by telling her the undertaker would be over worked!

My Mother selected the music,the flowers, the place and the style of memorial SHE wanted. She selected what she was to wear. Her favourite robe, flannel nightgown and fuzzy slippers I made her. She went so far as to threaten me she would haunt me forever IF I put her in a dress. Knowing my Mother, I took her at her word! :)

Mom passed quietly at 3 am on a cold Ocotber morning with Dad at her side. I signed the papers for her to be cremated and the end began. A week later we had her memorial. Mother had made a special request of the flower shop were she always got her flowers. The bouquet at the alter was huge and each flower had a ribbon on it. I had a list of people each flower was to go to with a note from Mom. After the service I handed out the flowers and notes to those she had left on the list. Everyone went home with love from Mom - like she always had done.

Today I teach Palliative Care, do support work and generally love what I do. Had I NOT cared for my Mother, talked about what she wanted, I would not be doing a job that is so rewarding.

After the memorial service many have asked me why I never cried for my Mom. I tell them:

I cried WITH my MOTHER, I why do I have to cry FOR my MOTHER now.

She gave me two gifts that I cherish. The gift of my life and the gift of her death. Please do not miss the chance to know the wonder of such gifts.

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Reply by GirlWithTheBlackBeret

19 Dec 2011, 7:02 PM

When it came to her funeral plans, my Mom did not want to be involved other than two wishes she offered. 1) she wanted to be cremated, 2) she wanted to her ashes to be buried on her mother's plot.

The rest was left up to my sister and I. At the time, we were 29 and 31 overwhelmed with emotion and stress. At the time we thought "we are too young to be doing this" then resolved "we have to do this, it may be a hard thing to go through, but for someone we loved so dearly we could be strong and do it".

We set about planning the funeral and at some point remembered years back attending a funeral of a young family friend who died at 20 in a car accident. That funeral was a celebration of life instead of marking a death. Much of the service was positive. We remembered my Mom saying to us "that's how I would want mine to be + an Irish wake with an open bar" (she was not drinker but liked a good party). So that's what we did.

For the funeral we choose readings and songs that were positivie. My sister designed a PowerPoint slide show of photos of my Mom with all her family and firends. We had a wake at the local Lions hall complete with an open bar. I heard one person remark "this is the best funeral I have ever been to!" that made me smile because my Mom would of got a kick out of that. Of course, we also fullfilled the 2 final wishes she expressed to us.

Looking back planning her funeral was one of the hardest things I have had to do in my life but I am stronger for it.

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