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Dealing with my mom's death! 
Started by dragonfly4
29 Dec 2013, 8:34 PM
Hello everyone, I'm new here and lost my mom on Dec 1, 2013.  My mom had been sick with what we had been told was post herpetic neuralgia.  She began having seizures and was in and out of hospital many times for pain management.  She had so many tests, she hated every minute of it.  When I look back now I can see the natural progression of whatever this was.  My god, how did my mom cope?  Her pain must have been horrific!  I'm the oldest sibling, so I took on the caretaker role for both of my parents.  I researched, talked to therapists, doctors, nutritionalist, you name it...I did it.  She had put all her faith in her doctor, a doctor that abandoned her and his pratice without any notification!  I'm very angry about that.  I tried everything to give her some sort of relief from her constant pain.  It wore her down, I see that now.  She became depressed, she didn't want to leave the house, she wanted no company.  It's so unfair and sad, whatever was wrong with her.....it took her life and her joy.  It took my mom from me.  It all came to a head on November 27, at last I had found my mom a doctor, she agreed to go, in the end the doctor made the recommendation to take her to the ER, she was admitted immediately.  That night she coded, they called us back, she rallied, the next night the same thing.  A kidney specialist was called in, he wanted her in ICU...they had no answers.  In 2 of the longest days of my life, my mom's organs started shutting down, she was on dialysis, a breathing tube, she was being supported in every way possible.  In one final coherrant moment, I asked my mom, was she done, did she want to stop...she nodded her head yes.  She wanted to join my brother who died in 1984.  We called a meeting...still they had no answers....we decided to let her go.  She died peacefully with all of my family touching her and telling her that we loved her, urging her to let go.  Its 4 weeks today. I've grieved the loss of my brother and both sets of grandparents.  This is my momma!  Oh how I miss her!  Every day I wake up and want to call her.  I miss her so much, it hurts at a level I have never hurt on before.  I know there is a reason why this happened, we have no answers and I thankful that she is no longer in pain.  I loved her so very much and my heart is broken.
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Reply by KathCull_admin
29 Dec 2013, 9:34 PM

Dear Dragonfly,  


My heartfelt sympathy to you Dragonfly – the loss of a mom hurts so much. It sounds like a very traumatic month for all of you - with medical tests, pain, changes, uncertainties and decisions to be made.


I am glad you found Virtual Hospice.  You might want to read posts from people like Nikki99  My world will never be the same again and Embee Gone 6 months and I still feel empty  who have also lost a beloved parent.


Perhaps it was a small gift to you and your family that your mom was able to let you know her wishes at the end. After all she endured how good to know she was able to leave the world peacefully surrounded by you and your family’s love. Are your family and friends close by?


Please keep in touch as you are able to Dragonfly – here at Virtual Hospice you have found a safe, warm community of people who care.


Katherine

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Reply by marstin
29 Dec 2013, 10:34 PM
Hi Dragonfly4,

Welcome to one of the greatest places to share your pain. Although circumstances may very, the people on here are extremely kind and compassionate.

I lost first my partner of 23 years to cancer on what was to be our wedding day, then 7 1/2 weeks later lost my mom due to complications from the stress. I can hear the pain in your words as you talk about the frustrations with the doctor who lost sight of what his role was in the life of your mom. We went through that with my husband's specialist who was couldn't even find the time to tell my husband that he was terminal. It is so upsetting when you feel like you are being forgotten and your loved one is neglected. With your mom, you did everything humanly possible to try to save her yet were let down by someone you thought you could trust to make her better.  My mom went into the hospital with swollen ankles and I suspected she had also had a stroke. So many mistakes were made as they adjusted her heart medication and her kidney medication plus a broken hip while she was under their watch. Ultimately, they put her in comfort care where we had to watch her decline and take her final breath weeks later. My heart broke into a million little pieces. That was nearly a year and a half ago and just writing this moves me to tears.

Mom's are the one's we turn to when everything else is wrong in the world. They are our safe haven. They are in so many ways our best friends. Mom's are so special. I cared for my mom on a daily basis for many years so when I lost first my partner, then my mom, my whole foundation fell apart. Finding this site saved me. I was so broken that I didn't know how I would get through and yet the people I met on this site welcomed me with open arms and gave me a place to pour my heart out. They have been my source of strength and through this pain, I have been able to reach out to others who are just beginning this process.

I hope that you will continue to share your pain with us and tell us a bit more about yourself. We are here at the touch of your keyboard to listen, accept and bring you support in your sorrow.

Hugs,
Tracie
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Reply by dragonfly4
29 Dec 2013, 10:45 PM
First of all, thanks so  much for replying.  My family and I have a big support system to help us with our grief.  That does not change that my mom is gone though.  There are alot of things that I know......I know that the last 3 days of her life were her gift to us.  We were given the opportunity to say good bye and to tell her we loved her.  Many others don't get that chance.  I also know that, by making the decision we had to make, that was our gift to her.  She was tired, she was worn out and she couldn't go on anymore.  That being said....I let my mom go.  Wrapping my head and heart around that, has been an awful task.  I am a single mom with 3 children to care for and a dad who lives an hour away to look after.  Many changes are taking place and my role is changing.  I'm just trying to be flexible and not feel overwhelmed by every day things.  Honestly, I led the way, on turning off the machines, I knew what my mom wanted and how she wanted to die.  I feel proud that I cold give that to her!  My mom would want me to practice good self care and look after my family and to be strong and to cry when I needed to, then pick myself up and carry on again the next day.  I can't thank you enough for replying, it helps that others are on the same painful road.
Lynne
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Reply by NatR
29 Dec 2013, 10:52 PM
Dear Dragonfly4

i am so sorry for the loss you have just shared with the forum.  So glad you found us.  This is where you will find support and strength to carry on...even though right now you don't see how.

i can't imagine how quickly it all happened for you, and how very difficult the circumstances were.
yes, your mom is on your mind and I can understand how you hope to have one more conversation, one more hug, one more chance to let her know how much you care.

you will find others to identify with here, as Katherinr and Tracie have mentioned.  It's a safe group to talk to, find encouragement and find your way through each day.

my thoughts are with you, especially at this time of year when we miss our loved ones the most.  
I lost my mom earlier this year also.

sending you best wishes,
and welcome to the forum,
NatR 
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Reply by Nikki99
30 Dec 2013, 2:47 AM
Hi Dragonfly,

First of all I want to say I am so sorry you are going through this. I lost my Mom on November 25th and I am still feeling so many emotions and struggling. You came to the right place to express how you are feeling and if you want someone to listen. I have found this forum so helpful. Nat and Tracie are 2 of those people that have responded to you and have been a god send for me. I am hoping you find some comfort here and hope that you find this forum helpful.

it's so hard at this time of year especially and the holidays will never be the same. It's nice to know you have a good support system, that will help you get through. Know that we are here to listen to you and to support you.

Take care,

Nikki
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Reply by EastCoastPEI
06 Jan 2014, 3:23 PM
Hi Dragonfly, 

Brings a well of overflowing emotion reading your post.  Your experience is greatly different than mine but still... I can relate so much to "This is my momma".  

2 years have passed since my mother died and I still reach for the phone to call her to tell her something exciting, or ask a question, or find out what I should use to substitute something in a recipe haha.  It's the natural feeling of they SHOULD still be here.  They should still BE a part of my life.   but of course... in so many ways they are... and I'm actually thankful for those moments where I forget she has died... it's a good reminder of how important she was in my life even in the little things...and a good reminder that for my family, I'M important to them too... helps me cherish the time I do have.  

It gets easier... but never goes away.  and to me that's a good thing.  

Hoping you find peace in the coming days, and months, and years. 


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Reply by KathCull_admin
11 Jan 2014, 10:54 PM

Hello EastCoastPEI
Welcome to our virtual community.  Thanks for your message of 'cherishing' who you have in your life and the time you have with them. Those are good reminders. 

You mentioned that even though your experience is different from Dragonfly4,  you can relate to her experience - I think that is one of the strengths of our community – we are all different,  but we ‘come alongside’ one another.  Nikki99 has posted a thread called My world will never be the same again after the death of her mother, which you may want to read.

Not wishing to intrude, but would you like to talk about your ‘momma’?  I would be happy to listen……

Take care EastCoastPEI

Katherine

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Reply by dragonfly4
26 Jan 2014, 7:28 PM
Hello all,
  I haven't posted lately because I've been busy, oh boy have I been busy.  I started out not feeling very well last Monday, thought maybe I was coming down with the flu.  I drove myself to the hospital Tuesday morning, finding out that I had acute appendicitis.  In a matter of minutes I was in the OR and being operated on!  Yikes.  This by itself is traumatic but along the way, throw in the death of my mom, my support, my go to person, I felt utterly alone.  In emerg I was put into the same room as my mom had been put in, only 6 weeks before, when I was woken up in recovery, the nurse talking to me was my mom's nurse in ICU!  That was shocking for both of us!  I was put onto a ward and it was the same room, same ward as my mother was on before her trip to the ICU.  That first night, when it had all settled down....I was dozing on my side when I felt someone, my nurse I thought, sit on the end of my bed.  I waited for her to call my name, nothing, so I very carefully rolled over, noone was there.  Oh yes there was!  It was my mom.  She had been watching over me the whole time.  From my well timed drive, alone, to emerg, to waking up in recovery, to her room on the ward!  I have missed you so much mom!  I know that she has been busy, she was so sick at the end, and we still have no reason as to why!?  So, I believe she is resting and getting back to her healthy self.  The hardest part in the whole hospital episode was I felt bad calling family members to come, I needed help.  I felt horrible at asking them to come and relieve everything that we just went through when she died.  Same hospital, same room, same bed, same nurse.  I very plainly told my family, I'M OK, it's not the same but my courage petered out the second night I was there.  I cried for 3 hours alone in my room.  It was so hard for me to be there too.  So, now I am home and recovering.  I will be off work for a week or so.  Depends, I guess everybody's recovery is different.  In the mean time, I am so thankful for my family and for my mom and her love that she shared,  that was neverending for us!  She had such a big heart and room for us all. 
I will try hard to remember the all that we shared and be happy that my mom suffers no more.  I'm thankful for that today.
Lynne
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Reply by marstin
26 Jan 2014, 8:24 PM
Hi Lynne,

How frightening all of that must have been for you. Having to go through so much of it on your own must have been so scary. To be in the same place, the same room, have the same nurse had to have made you relive so much. I know that when my mom went in after Len passed away, it was so difficult to walk the same halls, the same wards and see many of the same nurses once again. I couldn't imagine how it would feel to have to stay there.

How wonderful that you felt your mom was there sitting on the bed with you. Sometimes you just know these things. I remember when my mom was in and a man in the bed next to her started laughing and pointing to a spot near the head of her bed and talked about how funny the lady was that was standing there. The nurse thought he was losing it but my daughters and I gave each other a knowing look and we all believed it was her closest sister standing there that had passed a few years earlier. I believe that she was just waiting for my mom to join her.

This time at home may help you to start healing a bit in many ways. It will give you a chance to do some self care which I'm sure that you need. You are blessed to have had such a wonderful mom who will live on in you and your love for others. You will honor her by carrying on her legacy.

Hugs,
Tracie
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