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having hard time dealing with boyfriend gone.. 
Started by missie
24 Jun 2014, 3:44 PM

my longtime boyfriend has just passed away after a long tortuous battle with cancer, and now that I am no longer with him, I dont know how to deal with him not here anymore. You walk down the street,and you feel like you're the only one dealing with such awful sadness. I dont have family nearby, I do have supportive friends,but at the end of the day,they have their own families. I do have my dog,what would I do without him. These last few days, all I can do is lay on my couch and become a recluse. The stress was huge since the beginning of his diagnosis, and now I feel even more stressed now he's gone. It's way too overwhelming,and people keep saying, how are you, I want to scream terrible!not ok!! I just say..alright. When people say, you will feel sad for a long time, I cant stand it because I feel so desparately sad now, and I know it wont be better tomorrow, but this sadness,to think of it going on for more months on end is unbearable.
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Reply by KathCull_admin
25 Jun 2014, 2:36 PM

I'm glad you found us Missie. This is a warm community of people who will support you. Although everyone comes with different experiences, you will find that people here will 'get' how you are feeling. People like Beanie722 on 
I lost my friend a month ago and Sadlou on So very sad have had those they love pass away too.

I see that you are from the Vancouver area. Vancouver Hospice offers support to people who are bereaved - would this be something you might be interested in? The website is http://www.vancouverhospice.org/programs-services .

You are right - it is an awful sadness and it is so fresh in your mind and heart. You describe it as a “torturous" – these last few months must have been exhausting for you. Are you able to sleep?



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Reply by missie
25 Jun 2014, 3:33 PM

I was always a good sleeper, but in the last few months, it has been awful, very short spurts of light sleep, I cant sleep in the bed, so I sleep on the couch so the tv keeps
me company. I try to keep busy like yesterday, I scrubbed and scrubbed my floor,
I guess it helps to try to distract.I dont like prescriptions but was seriously thinking
about it for anxiety and stress, but decided against it. Was drowning myself in
alcohol, but have not the last 4 days. I did come on your site, and read myself in
some of your posts, emotion-wise, so I was kind of surprised..I will like to try this
site out. The frustration is, I can't find any online chatlines for venting, like the
cancer site does have one, but only at specific times, a waiting list to get on, which
is difficult as we hurt 24-7. When I lost my last dog, I found a petloss chatline,and
that really helped, I could cry anytime with others over my keyboard for hours if need
be.  Are there any such live chatlines? 
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Reply by KathCull_admin
26 Jun 2014, 3:18 AM

You were asking about a live chatline - I am not familiar with any apart from CancerChat Canada? Was this the one you had tried to use?

I am glad you are finding the posts others have written helpful. I have found that the words that others write are often just the right words for me too. 

Do you have a family doctor or other healthcare professional you could talk to about your sadness and loss?  
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Reply by marstin
29 Jun 2014, 1:11 AM

Hi Missy,

I have read and reread some of your posts and they remind me of when I first lost Len nearly 2 years ago. My story is a little different because I lost him on the day we were to be married (23 years together) and lost my Mom within weeks after that. I too searched the internet, usually in the middle of the night, looking for somewhere to turn in all of my pain. It seems that resources are few and often on this journey I have wondered where all of those in pain turn when they need someone to talk to. When I found this site I felt a sense of relief that immediately I was made to feel that I wasn't all alone and that I could say anything I felt without anyone shying away from me or having a problem with how I was feeling. I no longer felt I had to hide the horrible thoughts whirling around in my head.

For myself, I made sure I got up everyday, had a shower, and headed out the door. Not that I had anywhere in particular to go but I knew that if I sat in the house that I would feel even worse. I would take the dog out for a walk, work in my garden ( a new thing for me), go to the grocery store or drugstore and just wander around. It took awhile for me to be comfortable doing my grocery shopping because so often I would reach for something on a shelf and then realize that it was something that Len enjoyed, not me, and that he was no longer there to eat it. Some days I would just turn around in tears and leave but in time it got a little easier.  People who knew me slightly would ask how things were and when I told them, most of them were so kind to me and stand and listen.

This grieving process is a long one but it changes in many ways as time goes on. Most of us have learned that it is a day by day thing and sometimes a minute by minute ordeal. It is like a rollercoaster ride that you wish you could get off of. I found that when I stopped expecting so much of myself and allowed myself to feel whatever I wanted, it made it somewhat easier. I constantly had to remind myself to be gentle with my broken heart and to not push myself too hard or allow others to force me to do things I wasn't ready to do.

I did in time join a widow/widowers group and this also was quite helpful. I'm not sure where in the Vancouver area you are but your local hospice site may have information on that. I hope you continue to come on here and share what you are feeling. I found that if not for the wonderful people on here, I may not have come as far as I have.

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Reply by NatR
29 Jun 2014, 5:36 PM

Hi missy,

I am sorry to hear of your loss.  I hope you will find support and comfort here on the forum.  We are all different ages - in all kinds of different circumstances with lots of things to say, needing a safe place to say those things.

i hear you about the need for a live chat forum, somewhere you can get an instant reply.  But we are all online often, and if one person doesn't answer you, someone else will.

i understand your feelings of pain, isolation and loneliness.  I am glad you have a dog who is at least a companion and will do much to help you through this.  Your dog senses your loss and will keep you going - in the sense that he/she needs to walk, be fed and watered, and keeps you going through the motions.

that doesn't stop your pain, I know that.  But be encouraged, you have found a safe place to talk, vent and slowly heal.

if you can find a support group to meet with, that may help too.  We are all unique in that some things are helpful and others just aren't.

sendinb my thoughts your way today,
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Reply by missie
29 Jun 2014, 5:49 PM

You really had hard times, losing two people in such a short time. The only thing that
"helps" is time, and thats hard.  
Its now been 13 days since my b/f died, i'm doing the cave thing a lot. Going to the
store, lot of them have music in the background which I hate, because the song
Say Something is on a lot, which makes me run out of the store crying, trying to
be discreet, so wearing sunglasses a lot.
At least I am eating now. Still having hard time believing he's. really. gone.
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Reply by marstin
30 Jun 2014, 6:22 AM

Hi Missie,

Music can lift you up or drag you down. I know the song that you are referring to and still to this day it can make me cry. The difference is that now I have healed quite a bit and that I can cope better with the sad songs. I still have my times of crying but I find that it sometimes is a good thing and I allow myself to let the tears flow. You are right that it takes time to begin to heal a bit. Your loss is so new and you are so fragile. Taking medication doesn't make you weak and it may help you to cope and maybe allow you to sleep better. I remember sleeping on the couch a lot because it felt less lonely than a big old bed. A body pillow may also help you. The tv also was, and still is a good thing to use to keep the loneliness away. As time goes on I think you will find the little things that will help you to begin to heal.

For many of us on here, being able to talk about the sadness, the pain, the anger, the feeling of being overwhelmed, the loneliness,  has helped. I used to write in a journal too and put down everything that was happening inside my head. It seemed to help a bit. It does seem to help to put all of your feelings into words and on here you will find that you are not alone and that maybe by seeing how some of us have survived our tragedies, that you will find that you can share this heavy load with kind, caring people.


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Reply by missie
02 Jul 2014, 2:18 AM

omg it hurts today. Im just wandering around and around in my place, just wandering.
I did eat today. A bowl of mashed potatoes. You are right about the bed thing, it feels
empty, and a couch is better, although I dont sleep the best on it.
Yes, it is going to have to be the little things to help. Like tomorrow, Im goin to buy
an ice cream and just focus on that at the time. It's all going to have to be small
steps. I have a floor lamp that Ive been meaning to fix up. I'll do that tomorrow.
I know this awful sadness is taking a terrible toll on my body, and I hate that
because I normally live a healthy lifestyle. Im waiting for a grief package that is
coming in the mail, hopefully tomorrow. Its from my work, and tells me about
resources I can use. Going to have to start trying to go to Support Groups, to be
around others that are in pain too.Its a very lonely place to be,losing a spouse. 
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Reply by KathCull_admin
02 Jul 2014, 3:50 AM

I'm sorry it's been such a tough time for you Missi. Sadlou talked about weekends (and I would imagine holidays fall into that category too) being hard. Going a step at a time seems like a wise choice. I think it would be overwhelming to try and think beyond tomorrow - ice cream and fixing a floor lamp seems like plenty to focus on.

Have you done other projects around the house? 

Hope your package gets there soon. 


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