((((missie)))) <- these are hugs if you didn't know that already.
Of coarse the pain and sadness are still with you, seemingly every minute. It's only been a couple of weeks, not nearly enough time for a person to even process the reality of "gone". You may have had months leading up to his passing but at the time you had a "job".... that job was to make him as comfortable as possible and to be his strength and support. You gave all of your heart, soul, and mental energy to this one loving thing. When he passed there is all that busy-ness of the funeral or memorial and so many people checking in on you. It's like there is a "human" overload and we tend to walk through that stage on auto-pilot. Then the people leave, many stop calling and some just disappear as it they had never been. That now leave you with no "job/purpose" and all alone with your empty house where every inch holds a memory.
Stop and look back over the incredible emotional coaster ride you've been on! For 6+ plus it was up and down like a heart monitor and now that ride seems to have stopped at the bottom.
You find yourself now alone at the bottom of this ride called "life" and although everyone and everything are telling you to get back on the ride it's the last thing you feel like doing. DID YOU KNOW THAT WHAT YOU'RE FEELING IS PERFECTLY 100% NORMAL AND EXPECTED? Understand as well that even if it feels like none of these emotions are fatal but instead are coming from places that are really trying to understand and accept that life as you knew it has changed. It's like trying to re-wire a 200 line switch board ..... it's going to take a long time before all the right connections can be made. For all intents and purposes you are actually starting all over ... but you can't do that until your heart tells you it's time to leave it all behind and move on. For the rest of this week I would suggest that you give yourself permission to "FEEL" ... do not try to hold it all in for it will simply build up and come back one day to really make your life "messy".
All those things that "defined" you are now missing. In time you will start to develop a new life .... a new life "after" ... but you can't do that until the pain has lessoned and your sorrow is less acute. In time you'll find a new purpose, a new reason for getting up in the morning to join the "outside world" again. But not now, now yet.
Right now you need to sort through all of what your feeling and more importantly ... express those feelings. Let them all out from complete devastation for raging anger. Since so many on this forum have been through what you're going through right now this is a perfect place to write about them. If you don't already you may want to start "journalling" ... it doesn't have to be anything complicated or formal.... you can start with just doing a "brain dump" and just write out all the words that come to your mind. Later you can try writing about this struggle you must go through in order to get to the other side.
Above all else DO NOT LET ANYONE TELL YOU when you should be feeling better, when you need to pull up your boot straps and start living .... or any other kind of time line things. The journey of grief and mourning is a very personal thing and we all take as long as we need to take. Don't be in a rush to "feel better" but instead look at why you're feeling bad. Talk to us, yourself via a journal and any possible friend/relative who will sit and listen to you. (this is also where belonging to a grief group helps as they have an easier time "getting it"). When you talk to these people let them know ahead of time that you know that they don't know what to say to you and that is OK ... you just need a set of ears.
Others will encourage you to get rid of any and all reminders of your loved one with the misguided thinking that it will help you forget. You won't forget but you'll never know which one of those items will give you comfort. Until they no longer do that don't be in a hurry to get them out of your house. You will know when the time is right. I just want to caution you on one thing with this however ... don't allow yourself to end up with some kind of "shrine" for you loved one. Those tend to hold you to the past and provides fresh grief each time you look at it. That's not to say that you cant keep treasured items for "ever" if you want and they give you comfort on bad days. My father passed away almost 25 yrs. ago and I still carry his pocket knife in my purse. It helps me on those days when I feel the need to connect with my "Daddy".
You are showing good insight by looking for on-line Chat groups. This forum is one of 4 that I belong to but only one of them has that wonderful chat feature. I just did a quick look to see what I could find but my computer gets a bit wonky sometimes and so far the only one I "opened an account" with things are not working out. Something to do with my email. I will try again later and if I have any luck with one I will let you know. The forum whose "chat room" I use has members from all over the world and as such when you feel the need to talk to someone there is usually someone else awake at that time. Don't give up on that ... you'll find one.
Right now you have one of the best "tools" to help you though this and it's at your finger tips. Continue to post and continue to read posts by others. Let that be your goal for this week. Reach out and also see that you are indeed not alone!
Finally one important thing and I'm telling you this from a place of caring, compassion and personal experience. DO NOT SELF MEDICATE with alcohol. Been there, done that and it took an awful lot of hard work and determination to break free from the addiction that developed.
“Truly, it is in the darkness that one finds the light, so when we are in sorrow, then this light is nearest of all to us.” - Meister Eckhart
Razz/Shelly