Hi Witts end;
A friend sent me a message, stating there was a person in need of some words of comfort...
I have tried 3 times to write this, and each time I deleted it.
I am not a professional therapist, or a dr. with a PhD, I am just a woman who went to hell for a period of time.
I was in some much need of comfort, support, someone to understand that was, other than my hubby.
I lost 2 parents in 3yrs....one to pancreatic cancer (father age63) found out Sept 22, and Nov 22, 2008...and
NASH, Cihorriss of the Liver, kidney failure, esophageal varies, stomach varies, intentional varies,
severe anemia.....the basis of my mom she passed away august 12.
I was alone and by myself, at home, crying, and searching the web, when I came across this site, something made me signup, ...I don't know what it was, as I read the stories of real people's lives, the hearts of total strangers, I knew that this was my place, the place I could pour my heart out, even if there would be nothing that
would help in a way....I hope that sorta makes some sense.
I have not read anything(meaning anyone's response) for a reason. Everyone has their own thought pattern,
and mine is not like the normal persons....I guess I think strange, I have been told that, and sometimes, people get mad, but I try.
First, I am so sorry for your loss....I could not imagine what that would or is like.
May I ask you a question? How lose were you and your hubby?
My name is Tammy,
I am the only child, of two very different kind of parents.
I grew up with alot of aunts and uncles, cousins, no family friends, my family seemed to just stay to
themselves, when their children came around.
My father, well, he socialized nil....or at least that was what we thought, he seemed to prefer outside of mom and I....I never to this day understand him for it.
Mom was to a point, but she also was aloner....if it was family she was the social butterfly, to neighbours,
strangers, she was the bitch, to crabby wife of stanley....
My father had a saying, if he could buy a castle, he would put our there, to block out the world and all out.
I was always told that my father was aloner....I guess yes he was.
I know I am going off a bit, you could go to where I wrote about what happened, with mom.
I am trying to figure out how to explain what I am thinking, I am sorry if I sound unemotionless, the memories are difficult ones....extremely painful ones.....it's taken me 1 1/2 years to settle my nerves, to not be jumpy when the phone rings.....that is what my mom did to me, well part of it....
When my mom start to feel I'll, it was actually before my dad, it was I believe, looking back, to that March in 2008....her kidneys began to fail, that was our beginning to hell....she was in the hospital for 3 wks, I was on call seemingly 24 hours a day....she wanted me there from the time she was awake to everyone was in bed....
My mom was a large woman 370lbs ...she couldn't wipe herself, barely walk, or bath herself, she needed help,
that was where I came in....she was too embarrassing to have anyone do it.....yes some nurses are very rough
I can vouch for that......
I thank God I had a great hubby......cause mom demanded my attention my every minute attention....leaving
him to watch our son....the problem was my son wanted mommy.....so hard to do.
With that stay, we found out she had had a heart attack, about 2 yrs earlier....
The reason I am telling you this is to show you the demanding person she could be.....it was the start....
mom never drank or smoked....but she developed a fatty liver, caused by diabetes, she had it when she was 40 yrs old. The dr, never seemed to get threw to her.
1st stay, During mom's stay dad only went once, his reason for not, was in order for me to be there for her, he would take care of my son, while my son went to school all day, and my hubby was off at 5pm.
My mom was very hurt....now you would think that when family visitors came that I would be allowed to leave right....well wrong,lol....no I was allowed to go as long as I'd be back before they left .....
This was the beginning, of mom's rule.....this rule continued after my dad died, and while I cared for my dad at their home tell he died....and when she moved in with us the Christmas before she died, and when she entered the hospital she knew she was never coming out....I knew that meant I would not see my own bed tell she
died....this was a fact. Only when she entered palliative care did I see my bed, and then I felt so guilty. My
mom still verbally made my life hell....she was making me pay, for killing her....I had to live with this....so I
understand hof you feel.
Now I loved my mom....and dad....very much.....
The rest you can go and read about, an on area somewhere on hear.....
I don't know what made your relationship strained before.
That alone can harbor anger, resentment alone.
How old is your mom? Is she from the old school, where I gave you life and you owe me....
The strain of carrying for a spouse, you love, and their passing, let alone is enough to take a piece of your
heart, and then to take that damaged broken heart, and mind to care for a parent, who doesn't seem to care, that you are still I your own turmoil, and that you are there to be a caregiver to them.
That alone is hard, not having your spouse there with you is painful, and I can only imagine its tearing your
heart out. Not having that support, is Making it harder on you.
For me giving advice is not easy at all. Cause advice well can so easily be taken wrong by all others reading.
that is why I do not read what others write. I go with what my heart says.
Do you have any friends...any kind of social life?
You did one thing good, you found a sit that has a lot of people with heart.
Writing to everyone, just getting your feelings out, thoughts, good or bad!
Sometimes you can get people to just come in and sit with your mom, in order to just get out, to breathe, to air the cobwebs out, so you can be able to go back and handle what she dishes at you.
That was my life saver, when it lasted....
The next was finding something that would allow me to tune her out, a hobby.
What about a center, that can interest her, where she would enjoy being there, while say you go and have a
coffee.
I tried to write a journal, but I just couldn't seem to write what I was thinking, cause I for some reason was
afraid to, now I don't understand why....but it is an idea. ..or even a recording yourself, and your thoughts....
I don't know if anything wrote even helps you, but I am here, if you want to chat, or just talk on here, sometimes a complete stranger is enough to get you threw those days you'd like to just walk away and not look back...☺
I'm here...I'm sorry if this isn't anything that helped....
😊tammy