Dear Wits End,
I'm popping in with hope that I can give you some ammunition to wake your siblings up... :-) I've been where you are. Please sit down and know this is delivered with great empathy and hope that it will help you and your Mom and other family start talking straight to each other. Because if you can do that, your Mom suffers far less and by extension so do all of you. ((Hug))
VON and CCAC both were fairly beside themselves when I was caring for my parents as they were at end of life. Both agencies, nurses and support workers all advised "It takes a minimum of 3 people to care for 1 person at home and you are doing 2 people by yourself. You need respite care." Well, I was the only adult child in town so it fell to me but it was hard. And we lived minutes from the hospital. What you have been writing resonated with me so I want to chime in so you know you're not alone and also pass on that wisdom given to me.
You are out of town it sounds like. Your Mom is in need of close, attentive care. Your sister is in the city where the treatment your Mom has chosen is going to take place. Your sister needs to step up and your Mom needs to stay with her. If your sister can't or won't, your Mom needs to know you can't continue on this pace without help. And if there is no help for you, then your Mom needs to reconsider her choices. This is not about blame. This is about making reasonable safe choices for your Mom's care and your ability to keep going. Because if you drop, it sounds like your Mom will really be in a scarier place. She needs to understand this. You all do.
If your sister lives in London, it would be better for your Mom if she stayed with her. It's because it's not just the treatment, it's the symptoms which occur during and as a result of treatment. A 3 a.m. crisis is better handled with the treating hospital close by in my experience.
Have this conversation with your Mom and sister - sister first maybe. The two of you discuss what you're each able and willing to do. Then approach your Mom. Please do all this with kindness, respect for each other, love if it's there, but firm personal boundaries. You are at risk of hurting not only yourself but your Mom and I know that is the last thing you want to do.
I know you can do this. I did it. It sounds not so great or fun but it makes everything easier and helps your confidence which gives you an energy boost to keep going for your Mom in whatever way you want to.
Sending good thoughts to all of you. This is a very difficult time. It's okay to take the lead and get everyone making smarter decisions. Stand your ground. Maybe they've been waiting for you to do it. People rarely tell us so but I've learned that's the case sometimes. Always stressful getting to that point however I know.
((Hug))
Carlyn