And i'm back, finally!
NatR, you're a wonder, as always. I'm sorry I didn't let you know ahead of time that I'm here as we know each other a bit from twitter already :-) Glad I fixed that earlier today finally!
Razz, that's what i'm trying to do, be good to me. The problem is I can at times get focused on what those I love are not doing or what I wish they would do. Stopping that has been a very difficult adjustment. I think my understanding of them would have come easier and faster if they would have communicated their feelings with me but they didn't. So it's been a bit of a road while i've been at the mercy of my illness. Now i'm in a place of acceptance and focusing on me and what I need, can do, can't do anymore, have to come to terms with never doing again, etc. It's all been healing though. The best thing i did recently was get the negative people away from me. There is one person I love dearly but it was just not going well and that was my only recourse. We are still in touch, still close I think... ? ... but communicating far less frequently. It has to be that way for both our sakes just now at least. Anyway, i'm not worrying about it. That person has a spouse, I do not, they've got more support than I do so I feel safe not worrying about them and focusing on me. I've released them with love so I can get on with coping and trying to build quality of life.
JennJilks, considering what you have in your own life I think it's remarkable that you're also a hospice volunteer. Thank you for the great advice. You are so right, it does help. I got away from it recently but you're right, it's better to get it out so will get back to it. I was going to buy a pretty journal at the bookstore and then realized I just tossed 8 of those from earlier years and that's a lot of money to throw out and shred! :-) My sister, now deceased, left enough office supplies behind that 15 years later I am STILL using them. So i've got loads of lined paper she left and i'm using that and an empty binder. What the heck. Paper is paper. I find if I write it physically it's more helpful than typing in Word on my computer...no idea why that is, i'm just going with it. Eventually I end up shredding it so fancy books are pointless with me.
I am sorry it took me all day to get back here. I've been so confused lately I'm apparently doing things backwards... that's not fun for anyone I know. I'm resting to keep pain manageable tonight.
Thinking of you all and hoping everyone is getting through as well as they can. If any of you need support, or back up brain, I hope you let me know so I can try to return the favour of help or just emotional back up if I can't do more.