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Reply by Razz

10 Aug 2015, 5:14 AM

((Carlyn))

Actually your response was just fine for the original post. It was when I responded to Jennifer that I added more to the "story" . So not to worry or apologize.

Thank you for the compliment of my picture. That's one of the "hill billy" outfits I have and then about 1/2 through I do a costume change (right there on the stage) and I'm dressed as a roaring 20's flapper. Although what I have for that is just fine I'm still on the look out for something that would even come closer to the "look" I'm hoping to achieve.

Razz

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Reply by Carlyn

12 Aug 2015, 6:13 AM

Razz, thank you. I am genuinely having confusion issues or something going on (seems like it) so I err on that side generally lately. Hard to tell myself!

I read back on the shows you do playng guitar and performing for seniors etc...that sounds very entertaining. Your idea of learning the hymn your Mother likes sounded like it came from your heart. I thought it was a beautiful idea. If it helps you connect with joy for your music again especially.

Carlyn

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Reply by Razz

22 Aug 2015, 1:25 AM

Ongoing computer problems continue to plague me in spite of the fact that I decided to go back to Windows 8 which I didn't like but at least I felt that I had a certain amount of "control" in. Hah! Yesterday I lost a rather long and detailed up date on this thread just as I was finishing up. Have no idea what happened but "poof" the next thing I know I'm on a totally different screen and by default my post was lost. I'm going to try again to day to see if I have any more luck. I will however "save" things as I go along and this one will be much briefer (i before e except after c ..... but that still looks wrong...hm...).

I'm trying to come to some level of acceptance in regards to Mom's situation and find peace by doing so. I'm not any where near that yet it seems. We were so very fortunate in the way that things fell so smoothly into place for us/her and we got her placed in a very short time to a quality Long Term Care Center. It's a lovely place really ... with lots of windows and natural sunlight. Hight ceilings and a foyer that is open to the next floor and then skylights above. What speed bumps we have encountered along the way have been minor in the grand scheme of things and I know that with time a new kind of "normal" will set in. It just hasn't happened yet.

I was once again approached by the dietician and a nurse (while I was there visiting) about placing Mom at the "feeding" table. They really felt that with the extra attention and/or prompting that she would eat more. My intuition told me other wise but in the end "guilt" about NOT trying it overcame my feelings and I agreed to a one week trial.

Poor Mom has experienced a number of "moves" regarding different rooms, beds, tables .... and in all fairness she hasn't had time to really adjust to any of it.   Up to this point she has been generally passive and compliant. I was in to visit on Thurs. and her frustrations are starting to show and one of them I think is being placed at the feeding table. Asking her directly only gets me the same answer ("I don't care, it doesn't matter) but the look on her face tells me a different story. I purposedly planned to be there over the lunch hour so I could get a feel as to how things were going. At times I felt that this was a totally wrong placement for her if you were to go by the many frowns and looks of disgust on her face. She didn't eat anymore than she would have sitting at a regular table but near the end she fell into typical demetia behavior and started "messing" with her food...... spooning her Ensure drink and adding her chocolate pudding to it and also spooning her pudding on top of her cake (dessert) but not ingesting any more of it.

This makes a case for leaving her at the feeding table as I can see difficulties ahead if left to her own devices. On the other hand she by facial cues that she was not happy to be there. I now find myself facing yet another delemnia. I have a feeling that from here on in there will always be "something" I have to make a decision over.

And so I still come home and cry. As nice as the place is there is no getting around the fact that it is a "nursing home" and I really wish it was other wise. (I guess everyone else would feel the same way). She's where she needs to be to be safe and looked out for .... but the thought of it breaks my heart.

Will there come a time when I don't end up in tears after a visit? Where I don't feel heartbroken that it has come down to this?

Razz

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Reply by Razz

22 Aug 2015, 1:26 AM

Oh ... so much for being brief .... well at least it actually got posted

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Reply by Carlyn

22 Aug 2015, 10:31 PM

Razz, these darn computers were supposed to make our lives easier. I hope yours is getting back to an ease of use again. I sympathized reading about it. Been dreading upgrading to new updates myself for this same reason. I haven't heard of anyone having an easy time after upgrading.

How are you doing today? How is your Mom?

Your latest post was a powerful reminder of being in very similar situation with my father and him being in a long term care home. I've been trying to think of something to say to ease your mind. Will give it a bit of a go.

You asked these brilliant questions which were powerful reminders of feeling similar -
"Will there come a time when I don't end up in tears after a visit? Where I don't feel heartbroken that it has come down to this?"

It's fairly new still I think so where you are emotionally and what you're feeling seems normal to me. I say yes, you will find it gets easier and tears won't flow nor will you feel heartbroken around visits. That was my experience. But if it doesn't and you need to let some tears flow, I think that's important to release feelings and it's ok, good actually. Your feelings need that release. And see if you feel a bit stronger after letting a few tears flow...see if you don't feel like you've got some new energy to keep going in this for your Mom. That's how I assess it - how does my body feel after or during? And is my brain clearer? Do I feel stronger? It's a normal release I think and it helped me to do so when needed.

I wish I was there to give you a hug. I think you are doing really well, you are doing remarkable and you will get through this. It's a lot of change looking at life through this lens and being mostly a witness and caretaker to changes you can't do anything to help along really. Be good to you during it also. I'm glad you write to us here.

I hope others chime in on this. They have a lot of wisdom based on what i'm reading on these forums.

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Reply by Razz

23 Aug 2015, 12:41 AM

Thank you Carlyn for your supportive words.... I really appreciate them.

I had to go to the doctor's today to get a prescription renewal for myself. I really, really like our family doctor and up until Mom moved into the care center he was her doctor. In any case he asked me how she was doing and my immediate response was: "compared to what?" Poor man .. he was sorry to hear how far down she has gone and we discussed "quality' vs "quantity" espeically given the fact that she is not for all intents and purposes - not eating. He asked me if I thought that she had given up on life and I said yes. He told me that she would continue to "fail" and did I understand that. Yes I do and that I was OK with that. He understood it very well and said that at this point she's no longer "living" but just waiting and let's hope that the "waiting isn't too long.

It felt good to have someone understand where I was coming from and supported my feelings on things.

Thanks again - Razz

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Reply by Carlyn

23 Aug 2015, 12:57 AM

Razz, I'm so glad you saw that doctor. What a great idea. The similarities between our experiences are so strange to me. My doctor took my Mom on when hers had to retire early due to disability. So he knew both of us well when my Mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Having him to talk to, knowing how well he knew each of us, meant a lot to me. it was such a comfort. i only did it a few times and it was, as you seem to have done, a fluke situation where I needed him, but those few times ended up being so helpful.

It sounds like you have the same relationship or simliar with your doctor for you and your Mom. I'm so glad you feel relief from his support and he talked this through with you.

I know this time is painful. ((Hug)) Thank you so much for checking in here and sharing your latest. I'm so glad you have a doctor who knows both of you, for additional support. I'm keeping good thoughts for you.

Carlyn

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