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Suffering Together 
Started by Karen Rose
18 Oct 2015, 12:26 AM

Hi my name is Karen and I am new to this forum. 
in August my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 non small cell lung cancer. Since then so much has happened. i am an only child and am very close to my mom. I know that she is still with me but I miss her already is that crazy?  It's so painful to see her go through this and the thought of losing her is well I don't hav words for that. I am focusing on the time we have left together but it is taking a toll on me. i can feel all of her symptoms and at first I thought I was imagining it but I'm not.  Has anyone else had a similar experience?  
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Reply by KathCull_admin
18 Oct 2015, 2:05 AM

Welcome to the community Karen.  I am glad you found us. You will find this is a safe place where members will understand and support you.

First off - No I don't think your thinking is crazy at all. Although she is there, and probably often right beside you - you are thinking about a time when she is not there and that thought is unbearable. 

There is an article on the Canadian Virtual Hospice site called Living with Limited Time:Exploring Feelings  .  I wonder if you might find it helpful.  

There is a lot resting on your shoulders as an only child.  Do you have other family/friends who support you? Are there people you can rely on?
Look forward to hearing from you as you are able Karen.
Take care

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Reply by NatR
18 Oct 2015, 3:33 PM

Welcome Karen,

this is is a safe place to gain support and find others who are going through similar loss.
you can ask, vent, cry and share.  
Katherine has given you good advice

Loving your mom as you do, and being her only child will certainly bring you so close to her and her daily struggles.  Just remember that your loving support to your mom at this time is the greatest gift you can gI've her 

(I hate the typo correct on this program....it changes my words and dislikes my corrections back 😁)

be brave and  if you have local support groups for grief or illness - there may be a time when you will feel you can reach out and talk to others who are going through similar crises 
Do you have a good friend you can share with and lean on? 
here  you can definitely count on support, encouragement and empathy.

feel free to say anything here - we care and we will send virtual " hugs " from our corners to yours.
wishing you strength for today.  

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Reply by April01
19 Oct 2015, 2:35 AM

Hi Karen, I have found it very pace to talk and vent here.i can say how I really feel here when I can not with family or most friends. Welcome. Karen, i have been saying that I miss my husband and he is still with me. I miss the man I married. My husband changed when his cancer spread to his brain.  We did everything together, we talked all the time, went for coffee in the evening to visit with our friends, planned vacations , all that stuff. He went from that to being very quiet except when he is in pain. I miss the man who was.... We all understand and you are not alone. I always felt I was until I finally put  post on here and then I knew I was not. Hugs...
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Reply by GirlWithTheBlackBeret
21 Oct 2015, 1:33 AM

Hi Karen,

Welcome to our community! I too started to miss my Mom even before cancer took her. I think it's some sort of emotional preservation mode our brains go into as caregivers. Its understandable that you are starting to feel the strains of being a sole caregiver for your Mom. Could you talk to your Mom's doctor about arranging some respite care to take some of the burden off you?

Thinking of you, GWTBB

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Reply by Carlyn
31 Oct 2015, 10:56 PM

Hi Karen,

You are not alone. I'm very sorry for your Mom and you and everything the two of you are experiencing at this time. I cared for my Mom also and her diagnosis was also stage 4 and things moved fast.

I want to reassure you that you are not crazy to feel like you miss her already. Given you're an only child and very close to her, this seems natural to me to feel that way. About you experiencing feeling her symptoms.... my eldest sister was like a second Mom to me and she died years ago, late 40s. I shared similar feeling as you are now with her or at least i thought I did. She was in hospital at the time. 

I think it would be good to find ways to comfort yourself and your mom while you're both together, at least for a few minutes every other day if there is time or you think of it. I found it helps but see if it makes sense for you. 

Some memories came to mind and also some thoughts i've had since losing my Mom so I will share in case any of it seems good ideas for you? Or maybe help you think of more appropriate ideas for you and your Mom? Ok here goes....

Give her hugs, at least one each day, even brief, short, little one. You will remember them and how it felt to hug her. It will also comfort her. If she is in pain and hugs are not good or difficult, caress her hands using lotion and/or her feet. Do things to give you each a bit of contact daily that is based on loving and caring and genuine connection. I found it helps take the focus off the whole cancer thing for a little bit for each person. Or at least, it helped us to not focus on the cancer or the staging or the chaos of care all around my Mom.

I'm thinking of you and your Mom. Please check in here when you feel able or have time. I remember time being precious so no pressure.

Mostly, know we are here for you and want to support you and your Mom too. Lean on us. Even if you just need or want to vent, either one of you. This is a wonderful place full of compassionate, wise people. We're all here for you.

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