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Reply by April01

06 Nov 2015, 11:18 AM

Thanks everyone for your kind words and very helpful advise. Eric is still here and I sure do not know how. the doctor has said that. Five years ago Eric had a really bad heart attack. Fourty percent of his heart was damaged, I can only think that the sixty percent must be really strong. They put in a couple of butterflies so I can now give him his medication that way. The doctors have been great and his GP is younger than our sons, you can see his feelings on his face whenever he comes here. Everyone keeps asking if I am sure that I want to keep him home. This is a question because they care. My answer is, as long as I can. I am no hero, I just want to do th because it is the last thing I can do for him. I heart is broken.... last evening he wNted to sit up so I helped him. The pain in his ribs was so bad that I had to medicate him before I could him back down. I cried doing it. My spriit beliefs have always been strong but I keep asking why would God let someone suffer like this. Even Eric has asked that question. If one more person says to me, God only gives you what you can handle, I am afraid I will chase them out of my house. I do know that they have not been through this and I pray they never will.
Sorry to go on.... I miss the man who was, the one who made me laugh everyday, the one who always took care of me, the one who always loved me, the one who always put his arms around me and told me everything will be alright.

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Reply by Carlyn

07 Nov 2015, 10:36 PM

April01,

I appreciate your words and don't find them to be too much.

What you said about everyone asking if you were sure you want to keep him home, the same thing happened to me with my Mom. I share the God statement concern with you too. Hopefully you won't experience that.

You're doing really well caring for Eric. I'm glad you are together at home during this time.

My thoughts are with you both.

Carlyn

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Reply by Razz

15 Nov 2015, 2:57 PM

((((April))))

As Jill said there are NO WRONG feelings but instead they are emotional and metal expressions of where you are at any given time. They are "right" for that time and don't ever let anyone tell you other wise. Although your desires may seem conflicting never feel guilty about them. From all I've read you sound like a very loving and compassionate person. Your husband is a very lucky man to have you at his side right now and I'm just sorry that it is such a painful situation both physically and emotionally. It sounds like you've already started those "hard discussions" that in the end aren't really that hard and usually give all concerned peace of mind. Not quite a year ago I did a post on a similar topic about such conversations I had with my brother before he passed :

The Gift and Blessing of Saying Goodbye

Maybe some of what I experienced will be of help to you or someone else.

I'm sorry but I had to laugh at your remark about the dreaded phrase...."God only .etc. etc. etc. I know that people mean well when they say it but in reality they haven't a clue what it is that we go through and sometimes they do but can't express it. I often respond to people who say it that if that were true I must be an incredibly strong person and I think I'll pray to be a weaker one OR I'm not selfish and would be happy to share some of my troubles with someone else so that they can grow to be as strong also. I have to confess that people are often shocked or taken aback by responding that way but I mean it in all good humor. How on earth can any of us measure another's strength? Each of us is unique and comparisons between ourselves and someone else are not really helpful. I find that what is helpful is knowing that others have made it through and so I can too.

By far the most helpful thing for me was letting go of trying to "control" all those things that we can't control. I had accept that and then I was able to put my energies into those things that were within my control. I have a sense that that is what you're doing now. It will also help provide that "quality" time that Kath was talking about. Understanding that we cannot stop the pain but can provide support during the painful times helps all ooncerned.

Wishing you a quality and peaceful time with your husband now - Razz

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Reply by Razz

15 Nov 2015, 2:59 PM

oh.... the link didn't work. If you go up to the "search" box and type in "the Gift and Blessing of Saying Goodbye" I think that should take you to the discussion.

fingers crossed - Razz

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Reply by KathCull_admin

15 Nov 2015, 4:56 PM

Hi
I just added the link Razz - I am sorry it didn't work for you.
Katherine

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Reply by April01

18 Nov 2015, 2:50 AM

Thank you everyone for your kind words and help. Eric passed away on November 8 at 8:55 at home. My heart is shattered and I cry a lot. I had friends here until today so I have not been alone until now. Our dogs were with a dear friend and I have them home now. Our oldest shepherd is walking from one door to the other. I am hoping she will settle soon but she spent he first four years of her life in a truck with her dad. The last year she was by his side, now her new life has begun I am praying she improves soon. Our other dog is stuck to my side. I know they need to morn as well as me but it is so hard to watch. Tomorrow I will take them to the beach as they love that. For me, I am not sure I will get through this but I am sure I will, I too, just do not like it... I know he was in so much pain and he was so tired and wanted it over and I know we will be together again some day but this is just so very hard... Hugs

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Reply by Carlyn

18 Nov 2015, 3:03 AM

Dear April01,

I am keeping you and your dogs in mind and heart. I am sorry Eric has died.

The beach is a great idea. I had 2 cats when a family member died here at home. They mourned with me. I ended up taking them to the vet a few times to try to help alleviate their sorrow and upset. They had trouble settling sometimes as they missed Mom as much as I did. I mention this only in case it helps in future.

Grief brought fog for me and taking care of others (my pets) was a blur. If not for the vet I don't know that they would have had enough comfort or solace as they were taking on all my emotional pain in addition to their own.

Also, pet massages are a huge stress and sadness release for animals. There are a lot of videos on Youtube for how to give a dog massage (or cat massage) if that is of interest.

For you I want to mention youtube videos on chakra meditation balancing and healing. Add the word 'sleep' to your search there to find more. This is new to me but someone suggested it and I find it very healing. Lot of free videos on this at youtube.

I am writing the most ridiculous things it seems but I tend to say what i'm compelled to when around these situations and it's usually for a reason. So I hope if this is no help today, it may be of help in future.

Sending you a lot of ((Hugs)), comforting energy, and healing thoughts. It takes time... I know there are others here who can offer much more and I really look forward to reading their words of wisdom.

I am so sorry Apriil01. Thinking of you.

Carlyn

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Reply by KathCull_admin

18 Nov 2015, 3:15 AM

Dear April01,
My deepest sympathy - my heart goes out to you. I am glad you have your dogs tonight - it will be so lonely for you. I will think of you as you walk the beach tomorrow. For me there is always healing in water and wind.

This is so hard - but you are right you will get through - you won't be the same but you will get through.

Another member Kirstie wrote on It is over , “On October 23rd my wonderful sweet husband died at 53. He was just a good, sweet soul. It breaks my heart that I could not help him. I miss him every second of every day.”

Do you have family and or friends close by April01?

Thinking of you

Katherine

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Reply by Razz

18 Nov 2015, 2:04 PM

I am so sorry to hear of your loss April. The pain is acute right now and having your dogs home again will help give you comfort I am sure. Animals seem to be able to sense our pain and upset and while they too feel their own sorrow of someone missing - they will want to ease your hurt as well. That is partly why so many hospitals and care centers now have "pet therapy" .... just the act of petting them will help release pain be it physical or emotional. I love the idea of you walking with them on the beach ... somehow that just sounds like the right thing!

Caryln I understand what you mean when you talk about feeling compelled to say certain things even when upon reflection they may seem rediculous......you are right in thinking they will touch someone. Your suggestions I think are good ones and perhaps if not what April needs today it may be of use tomorrow. If not for April then perhaps for someone else reading this thread .... it is so often the case that some of the best things we hear about for ourselves comes in ways we least expect it. So do continue to wirte those things you feel compelled to write - they come from the heart and they will touch someone else's heart as well.

It will be hard das ahead I'm sure for you April but remember that you have a place to come and express what you're feeling and know that other's will "get it". We will hold you in our collective thoughts of care and concern and provide you with a safe place to allow yourself to just be.

Again I send my condolences and remember that it is not weak to reach out for help but a sign of strength.

be good to you - Razz

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Reply by Myblueeyedman

19 Nov 2015, 4:34 AM

April,
im very sorry to hear your husband passed. Please accept my condolences.
It is hard and lonely without your loved one. Taking the dogs to the beach is a wonderful idea, and for the dog that spent a lot of time with her dadd; do you have a shirt that belonged to your husband that she could sleep with? Maybe it would help her stop roaming, idk just an idea.
April, if you need to cry, just do it. I still cry almost everyday and on november 12 it was 10month since my hunny passed away. I miss him every day.
I cry when i need to.
I don't want to say all the things people say, you know like "your a strong women....etc." because they didn't really help me. I needed someone to listen and not judge me for missing the man I love. Find that one non judgmental person, be it a friend or for me it was person from my local hospice. Speak of your husband often and talk to him, it helps a lot. Write what you are feeling in a journal (reread if you want to, not necessary). The hardest thing for me to do was get out of bed and go out/to work.....you have to go through the motions even though u may not want to...just do them.
I felt so alone, I had to live hour by hour and sometimes minute by minute, always saying to myself " right now at this moment I'm ok and I miss you hunny". live day by day and it's ok.
im rambling on.....I just want u to know you are not alone. I am here if you ever need a friend.
the pain will soften, It has not left me yet. Don't Rush your grief, let it happen and face it as it comes. let it wash over you, you will come throuh it each and everytime. The memories will one day bring a smile along with those tears and yes maybe just a happy smile will reamIn in yourself.
My best advice is not to run away from your grief but to accept it as it is and slowly make your way through it. I'm not sure what is at the end of grief, as I'm not there yet. But I know, that you will be ok. And for me ok is my aim for each and everyday.

Sending you hugs and lots of love
And I agree, one day we will meet our husbands again. I continue to say I love you to him every nite.
oh yes, and do what make you feel happy when it come to remembering your husband. if you have to wear a piece of his clothing everyday....do it and don't think about what others will say. Because you are living the loss not them, do what you need to do, grieving the way you need ❤️❤️

love,
my blue eyed man( mbem)

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