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Reply by Marymary
31 May 2016, 2:34 PM

Hi Carol K - I am sorry to hear about your husband, I truly am.  The love you have never goes away and vice versa & yes wise words everyone has shared.  I am glad you are keeping yourself busy it helps.  6km wow good for you I'm impressed by that - inspiriring for sure.

I know when we lost our mom I was unsure of what to do when to do or anything and kinda felt numb and I did realize everyone grieves in their own way - their is no right or wrong way, my brother and sister grieved in their way as I did - I thought it was weird at the time they were saying I should be feeling this way or that but yes - we did greive just not in the same way, my sis never cried - I did, my brother just didn't talk or show it and was kinda non chalant about it really, but in private was a another matter - but we did all grieve in our own way.

I am praying for you and sending you positive thoughts.  I'm thinking you going through the house and packign will keep you busy for sure and it will be quite emotional but also very healing for you at the same time.  

You are doing what you need to do and if you need quiet time,  so be it.  Just let your friends/family know you do and to please respect that aspect but it is just because they love you and care about you so much and want to be there for you in your time of need as they see it.  

suggestions only - Maybe instead of going out as your friends want you to do have a movie night in or a back yard gathering of some sort so you are still home but they can be with you too.  Or even ask them I don't feel like going out can you think of something else we can do here at the house, they might surprise you - you never know - just a suggestion that is all.  

They just love and care about you so much which is a wonderful thing in itself but there must be some kind of half way mutual point for all concerned.  

Sending you hugs and positive thoughts and keep on the walking - good for you.  

 
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Reply by CarolK
31 May 2016, 3:44 PM

Thank you for your kind words and suggestions Marymary. I sometimes feel that being alone is agony and when I have someone over or go out, then I feel that I need to be alone. I'm on an emotional roller coaster at present and I just have to go along for the ride. I wonder when the old me will come back or if that person is gone forever. She probably is but I hope the new me can learn to enjoy life again. 

It is raining hard out here today but I will walk again another day. I pretended that Ken (my husband) came with me. Maybe he did. I put on some of his cologne yesterday. The last time I did that I just closed my eyes and leaned back letting my thought flow. It felt like he was holding me for a few seconds. I didn't get that kind of a feeling yesterday but I will keep on trying.

Everywhere I look I see reminders of Ken. I hope that my move will help me to get on with my life such as it is and I am scared that maybe I will be miserable. I am going to keep the house for a few months. Renos need to be done and I will be able to go back.

Going to bed at night is the worst. As Ken got worse we would lie in bed and hold hands while watching TV or talk. This is why I need to move I guess. Less reminders of my past life.

Thanks for listening. Everyone here has gone through terrible emotional pain and knows how I feel. It's nice just to be able to express myself and have my feelings understood. Thank-you for your support! 
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Reply by CarolK
02 Jun 2016, 9:57 PM

Today I packed up clothing for my move. I had no problem being liberal with tossing out my things but I found it very hard to toss out Ken's stuff and ended up crying of course. My friend told me that if you toss it you can never get it back so I kept more then I had planned too. My neighbour who also had her husband die from cancer said that you eventually get rid of these items. 

I can't help feeling that I am erasing Ken from my life. He told me once, and it wasn't that long ago, that he felt that he had nothing to show for his life. No grand accomplishments.  I feel that by tossing out the things he loved that I am contributing to that. He had a daughter and grandaughter so his statement wasn't exacly true I can't help feeling that I have gotten rid of him from my life.

I am giving his things and mine to the Canadian Diabetes association. I have been a diabetic most of my life and I know that he would have approved of my choice but I just can't seem to stop feeling destitute. Maybe this is normal. 
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Reply by NatR
03 Jun 2016, 12:04 AM

Hi CarolK
psinful stuff disposing of those personal possessions and it doesn't hurt to hang onto some things 😔
I am sure that keeping some items will give you comfort at moments when you want to feel close, remember your husband and the years you shared

everyone can do things their own way - don't rush and then regret
take time and no one can fault you for that

i hear what you are saying / not many accomplishments for the rest of the world to know about but as you said - child - grandchild - those are his gifts to the world 
not everyone can be front page news or make amazing contributions and I wish we all could.
how about just being okay with his love and his life shared with you

i would like you to share some story or moment that Ken made you laugh or cry or just bursting with happiness - those are his gifts to you, to his family 
Ken was my dads first name 
  
He struggled with mental illness and I can recall lots of negative things that he did without meaning to - but I can also tell you he had a passion to help others and he didn't stop when people told him it wasn't possible / he just carried on with his focus and determination and now - looking back
I can see that I have a bit of that inside me
I understand him better now as well.

if you feel you can't share anything that's okay but just think about it:)
sending you thoughts and a virtual hug from my corner to yours
we all leave a mark on hearts even if we don't become famous - and that is priceless :)
hugs NatR 💕 
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Reply by CarolK
03 Jun 2016, 12:41 AM

Thank-you for sharing your story NatR. Ken made me laugh every day. I would be in the bathroom doing what I had to I and I'd look up and see two eyes straring at me me looking at me from the side angle. I don't know if you can see the picture but he made me laugh. 

Ken had his daughter in from Windsor in 2014 before the cancer took over his life. We have an exhibit there of a seal and you can put your face in that exhibit for pictures. The whole family still laughs from that picture. Ken hated it mind you but the rest of us get a smile from it. I have it on my laptop because it makes me smile.

He got me kittens the second last  Christmas before he had to go. He didn't want me to be alone when he was gone. They do that for me every day-they make me laugh every day. This morning I woke up to the youngest stroking my face. The logical part of me says Milo wanted food but Milo was Ken's cat. When Ken died he sat with him while Ken waited in our livingroom waiting for the funeral home to pick him up. The next day Milo sat where Ken died and I thought that Milo still felt Ken as I did in that very spot.

I believe in small miracles as I see them every week. I hope that you get that too  Is there anything that you can share with me?
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Reply by NatR
03 Jun 2016, 2:25 AM

Very very nice stories you shared with me Catoo - thank you 
i am glad you have the photos, the cats and the memories - I am sure Kens cat felt kens spirit  as I believe animals do have a sixth sense also / and feel that even after death 
 
I can't think of anything specific to share but I often repeat my moms words, her quotes, her giggle attacks and I can't visit a Dairy Queen icecream store without seeing mom enjoying a cone.
Even after they are gone our loved ones pop into our minds more often than I ever thought possible .  It is a reminder to me that every one of us lives and we do affect those around us - and won't ever be forgotten.
i sometimes feel like I will continue to learn no matter how old I get - and I am a senior - also I have learned so much from the forum members - snd I appreciate each one

I don't know where Xenis is hiding but she has a strong spirit and a soft soul - and she can really tell stories too:)
I hope she gets online to give us a note - as she would have words of wisdom for you as well 
glad we were able to chat tonight 
funny how our minds work - was in a restaurant the other day where they have brown paper covering the table and crayons to draw with 
what did I draw? A rabbit in the same manner that my dad used to draw for us kids when we were little 
I guess that's the type of thing I am talking about / it just pops out from no where 👍🏻 the memories 
hope you smiled and I wish you a good night 
 Hugs again 
Nat  
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Reply by KathCull_admin
03 Jun 2016, 2:44 PM

Good morning,
Carol you and I had husbands cut from the same cloth. I miss the laughter, outbursts of song, jokes, stories that took forever to reach the punch line - how I wish I still had to wait for those punchlines – and the love we received and gave.  

How thoughtful that Ken gave you the kittens - reminders of him and of love and they make you smile as he did. We have a little - well little old, as she is 10 - Yorkie who has me trained to give her a little bit of food at the end of a meal as my husband Henry would have. Animals have seemingly unconditional love.

NatR - where do those memories come from eh? They seem to pop out at unexpected times - how on earth can our brain file them all!!

It's the first anniversary of another community member RDs' husband's death today. She wrote, 
"A lot has happened in the last year.  I have sold our house and moved to a condo in a different city.  I have ventured out to family by plane, had the car serviced and so many other things I had never done before.  I don't cry as often and I have learned to cope.  I've made some new friends but mostly I have done it alone. It's been a tough journey and I miss him so much."


By invitation not expectation – could you think about sharing your kitten story with her Carol?


Katherine

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Reply by CarolK
03 Jun 2016, 3:12 PM

Thank-you NatR for reminding me that little memories will pop out unexpectedly. I will have that to look forward to.

Thank-you for sharing your story of your little Yorkie KathCull. They are good at training us lol even though we think that it's the other way around! I recently put down Bonnie our 17 year old hound dog. I waited until Ken died first of course. He had enough pain in his life. I could swear that I heard the tinkle of her collar last night. Probably a cat though....

How do I talk to rd KathCull????

Carol 
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Reply by KathCull_admin
03 Jun 2016, 3:18 PM

Carol I was just going to say 'if you click on the link above' when I realized I had not given you the link above! 

If you click on 
 Alone. you will be taken to her last message. Sorry about that I meant to include it in the initial message.

Take care
Katherine


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Reply by CarolK
03 Jun 2016, 3:24 PM

!Not a prov blems KathCull
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