Hi Saara,
Your questions are thought provoking. I think of all that I went through and all that I am still going through. I will gladly share anything I can, to help you on this incredibly difficult journey you are undertaking. You and I are in different places on this road.
Although, I have been grieving for a long time my loss is relatively recent. My husband of 41 years passed December 29, 2016. He died never having spoken of our life together or the three wonderful children we raised. He didn’t talk to me about “arrangements” or my future life without him. There was no closure for me. I came to an understanding with myself, that I would take on the responsibility of easing his passing as best I could. I lived in his pretend world, but also my own.
I made all of the arrangements for him in a book titled “Dave’s Funeral”. I also created my own book of, “What do to now”. I started both books in the spring of 2016 when we were given his prognosis of six months to two or three years. I knew myself well enough to know that I wouldn’t be able to make well thought out decisions when I experienced the devastating loss of him.
There are few people who could understand my thinking, few close to me that I could share with.
I found his passing was easier emotionally for me when I knew exactly what I had to do. I could reflect on our lives together. I didn’t have to delve into the minutiae of a funeral or wend my way through the legal and financial aspect of a life well spent. I’m still dealing with the latter, but gradually working my way through the steps I created, checking them off as I go.
And I am still working through his denial and my acceptance of it. There are good days and there are bad days. Thankfully more good than bad.
Do I have regrets? No, not in the least. I did everything in my power to ease his passing.
Something that I experienced:
“It is said that, "A true friend walks in when everyone else walks out". I have found this to be true. You don't realize this until you experience something like we have. Friends and relatives who I thought would be by my side, either created hardships for me or walked off into the distance. And some stayed and helped with kind words and deeds. These are your true friends. Treasure them.”
My “true friend” said something to me that I will always carry in my thoughts. She said, “Don’t say anything to him that you will regret later, I said something to my husband that I will regret till the day I die”. I held onto that thought when there were days I was so angry, I just wanted to yell and scream, “you’re dying, please talk to me”. I stayed silent, for him I lived in the present.
I’m truly happy, I held my silence. My anger would have only created more angst in the future. We parted in love as he quietly slipped away, finally accepting that he was dying.
I have to work on closure for myself and I am a work in progress. With everything I’ve gone through, I am stronger for it.
If you’re interested I shared some of my journey in “I am living with serious illness”, Caregiver living with husband’s denial 15 Jun 2016
Cherel33