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Reply by Kim G

17 Apr 2012, 5:33 AM

I lost my oldest daughter on March 7, 2010 it was and will always be the saddest day of my life. My daughter Karalee died at 23 from cancer. She was diagnosed at 19 and I was with her almost 24/7 for the 5 years she battled the disease. I miss her every day and even though I can’t see her or hug her I know she is with me. I can still get weepy at any given time if I hear a certain song or see someone that reminds me of her. I don’t cry as much anymore but I have had 2 years to adjust to life without her. I unfortunately have a girlfriend who also lost her daughter when she was only 18 years old due to a terrible car accident. We always say that we belong to the suckiest (not even a word but it fits) club that no one ever wants to join and we don’t want any other members but it is a club. Only another parent who has lost a child knows what you/we are going through. The one thing that Deb (my friend) told me that helped a little was that “you never forget but it does get easier”. Her daughter passed away over 10 years ago and she was an only child.

I also struggle with “now what do I do” meaning I was a caregiver for 5 years and my world revolved around my daughter and now she is gone. I am blessed with 2 other children and a wonderful husband but I still feel like a part of me is missing and that part is Karalee.

I know how lonely and sad the days can be but please know that it does get easier.
Kim

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Reply by may.k

19 Apr 2012, 8:47 PM

Thanks, NatR :)

I'm really grateful that such groups are organized and out there. It has been very hard waiting and September feels like light-years away.

People find it hard to relate to losing a child and I'm the walking embodiment of their worst fear, so a lot of isolation is part of the package.

That reminds me... for anybody out there reading the thread and wondering how they can help those they know who've lost a child, this is a good summary:

http://tcfcanada.net/2010/the-bereaved-parent/

For example, I mourn his loss but also the loss of his future and in a way of my own future.

Also, while I was prepared for the deaths of my parents, other relatives, and some friends (as we generally expect to someday experience this), nothing prepared me for this.

Similarly, because losing a child is unusual in Western society now, there isn't shared understanding and support within social circles. Instead, it's common for bereaved parents to be avoided.

Other factors have complicated things for me as well such as guilt (parents feel a basic responsibility for keeping their children alive and well, even grown kids such as my son), realizing that I will never have grandchildren after all, seeing his peers reach milestones and joys he won't (careers, marriage, chldren).

Also, it's doubtful that there will ever be a day, let alone months, when he does not come to mind for me, and as painful as it is I'm probably never letting him go simply because when, well, he's my baby.

xo
May

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Reply by NatR

20 Apr 2012, 5:36 PM

Hi May.k

I saw your post last evening, but didn't want to reply til I had properly read everything and looked at the link you provided. That is a good link. We can all use help in understanding others and the losses they suffer...how it feels, how to help...what not to say.

Being a wordy person...I sometimes am guilty of saying the wrong thing...the only thing I can say in my defence is that I meant well. I also can say...I have lost people close to me...but not a child. So I cant share that feeling with you.

The good thing about forums like this...is that we arent around a table or sitting in the same room. If we do say something that hurts, or that is misdirected..or whatever...we can reply...get it off our chest...and not be yelling at each other. In that way, I find that I learn really quick that I didnt think it through...that I didnt experience it and shouldnt try to put my feelings on someone else. I can just learn from you...and one day..hope that someone learns from me.:)

I do totally get what you said about the loss includes the future losses, of your son's milestones, all the things he never got to do or be...like a husband and father...etc. I do understand that.

From my point of view...having a severely disabled grandchild...I also grieve for the loss of what she would have been, what she could have done, the events in life that we all want for them, the graduation, the relationships, the education and challenges of making a way in the world...being able to marry, have kids, and just take life the way it is supposed to go. I already grieve the losses...without the death....does that put us in a similar situation in a way? I know i wont ever understand your loss til I am walking that mile in your shoes.

How has today been for you? Did it help to write your thoughts down? It certainly gave me a lot to think about...and for that I thank you.

I read what you said about being isolated. I understand that too. Grieving people become Untouchables...stay away...cause you dont want to even understand what they are going through...you dont know what to say, and you just stay away...at least...that is how I feel about it...

I hope that today you feel a bit better and that you are able to cope. I have been thinking about you since you wrote. I do think that getting things off your chest and onto a forum like this...is helpful. I certainly have gained a lot of perspective, support and comfort from others who have listened to me.

Write again when you feel like it...let us know how things are going...and if you need someone to talk to...then..this is the place.
Burdens can get very heavy. No matter who we are we all try to carry so much alone.
Best wishes,
NatR

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Reply by NatR

20 Apr 2012, 5:54 PM

Dear Kim.G

I also read your letter...and my heart goes out to you in your loss. I cannot imagine how it feels to lose your child so young...and have to go through the battle that precedes the loss.

It was so nice of you to share your feelings with us all. It really does help to hear how others are doing - as we all are dealing with some sort of loss.

I also understand that it is no fun to belong to a club where people are dealing with loss in general. I do think that at least knowing others who understand what you are going through...does help somewhat...on the tough days...correct me if I am wrong...perhaps nothing helps on those days...but I feel it has to be good to connect with others who "get" what you are feeling.

The comment you made that I can understand...is that after being a full time caregiver with no time or energy for anything else...how do you make your life turn around? How do you re-focus...now that you are dealing with such grief and pain?

I presently am very involved with my family member who is deteriorating and will go to long term care facility in the next year or so. I will lose my identity when that happens and I am already asking myself the same question you are asking...What do I do now? How do I go on? how do I function again....after such a devastating time? It definitely colours how you see things...nothing will ever feel as important as the time you spent caring for your child. Nothing will ever replace her loss, nothing will matter as much to you. I hear you.

But, as they say...and I hate this when it is said to me....life does go on...somehow. For those who have lost so much...it is really hard to hear that one. I am sure you might want to delete this message...because it feels like....I dont get it. I do...I do.. I hear you ...

I listened to Margaret Trudeau speak almost 3 years ago. She of course lost a son to that avalanche in BC. She was very open about her feelings, about her struggles and about how very hard it was for her to get past that loss. I dont think she will ever get over it...but somehow...she has begun to function again and she writes, speaks and tries to reach out to others who are like her.

She struggled with mental illness...she made no bones about discussing it, how it affected her life, her decisions, her choices...and how they then had a huge effect on her life. I was grateful to get a chance to share a word with her at the end of the lecture. She actually pushed Media reps to the side when they tried to get her to do photos and interviews. She told them...she had to speak to her people.

That meant a lot. That meant so much to know that she, dealing with her grief, her losses, had time to share with her audience, and wanted to shake hands, speak to and smile at those who were also struggling like her.

I need to end this message...I get too long. But I just wanted to share that with you and the others who read this forum. It does help to share. It does make it easier to go on. I only hope that sharing this story helps someone else too.

I found some comfort in hearing her words.
I have great respect for all of you...all the amazing people who share their sorrows and stories on forums like this one.

We are a community. We need to take care of each other.
Your stories do resonate in my mind. I dont just forget you. I think about all the stories I read.

Thank you for sharing what matters to you. From you we can learn something important.
Take care,
NatR

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Reply by Nugget

20 Apr 2012, 6:25 PM

In terms of things happening for a reason specifically, I am not sure of that. But what I do believe is that from everything that happens we can gain purpose and value, even in the most difficult circumstances. When a death occurs and we lose our loved one, there are no real words to take away the pain and loss that one feels or even a consolation. That being said, we need to realize that while we never get over the loss of a loved one, we learn to function and live again. it is like developing a new normal. If someone lossed a leg, they never get over that loss but they learn to function with that new reality. Even though that loss is difficult the new reality can in time become very fulfilling and positive. This does take time and process. It is important to work through the grief process, which is hard work, in order to come to accepting the loss. It is only when we come to grips with the loss that we can move forward. One thing that helped me and many others is keeping a journal. This will be cathartic (sp?) as well it will give you, as you look back, a guide to see how you are progressing. I used to question why, and occasionaly still do, but now I am more in a place to accept the reality and this evidence I can see in my journaling.

I am not sure if this is helpful but it is my experience and also the experience expressed by others that I have come along side of in their grief. I believe, in many ways, I am a better person having worked through the grief issues than I was before my loss, although I would give it up in a moment to have him back.

Charles-Nugget

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Reply by NatR

20 Apr 2012, 6:30 PM

Dear Charles...
What a great comment. Well put.
Thank you for sharing that...it has meant something to me. We all have to embrace a new normal for various reasons...and I am so glad you put your perspective on it...
I wish you a good afternoon,
NatR

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Reply by may.k

23 Apr 2012, 6:28 AM

Hi, NatR, that's an interesting question.

My youngest has multiple disabilities and is ill, but she's alive and enjoying her days for the most part, and here for us to love and be part of each other's lives. Still, I did not have an understanding of what it would be like losing my son, so I'd say no. I agree that it's a window into how the loss of offspring is compounded, though.

The main difference I've run into re: people's reactions to my son's death vs that of my parents or some friends, for example, is that they can relate to the loss of parents and friends. Lots of them had been through it already or know they will soon. What they haven't experienced (and don't expect to, and greatly fear) is losing one of their kids and the intensity of that pain. So it's more than my grief they shy away from (most of which I don't share with them), but also the reality that the unbearable could happen to them next.

As far as feeling a bit better, I'm not sure, I feel so badly that it's hard to tell yet :) I'm learning to advocate for myself, which is new, and part of that has been to be more open about the experience and my feelings, and true to what it's really been like, whether I'm online or off.

I appreciate your posts, thanks :)
May

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Reply by may.k

23 Apr 2012, 6:56 AM

Oh, sorry, NatR, I should add, too, that an equally "main difference" re: the isolation after the loss of my dad, for example, and now has been the degree of it.

The isolation re: loss of my son has been physical (most friends and relatives have stayed away almost completely and for much longer), emotional (it's harder for me to deal with people, and they find my situation too sad or frightening), and also in terms of comprehension.

Thankfully that's not the case for everybody in my situation, but I thought it worth mentioning.

xo

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Reply by SusanG

30 Apr 2012, 12:54 AM

As a mother who has lost her daughter too I write from my heart to yours. I cannot know exactly what you are experiencing but I want to assure you that what you are going through is very similar to those of us who have been on this journey before you.
I remember experiencing the things that you've described in the first six months after my daughter, Brenna died. What you've related are very common experiences and emotions when going through acute grief within the first year--tears every day, feelings of guilt, and even changes in moods & appetite, memory loss and insomnia.
Just hearing that you are worried and feeling guiltly that you didn't do all you could have for her in her liftime is proof that you did. Not that it will make it go away but sometimes just knowing that guilt is a completely normal grief reaction can help.Especially during the first six months to a year I would encourage you to be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to grieve and to cry. There are additional things that can help:
Talking to somone (kudos to you for taking this step and reaching out on this forum); Writing down your feelings can help you make sense of them; crying--allow yourself to cry--studies have shown that there are actual physical and medical benefits for crying when you are grieving.
Special dates and yearly reminders can really bring things up and in recognition of that I would encourage you to plan to do something on your daughter's upcoming birthday.
Our family established a tradition of going to a particular beach (our last family outing) on the anniversary of our daughter's death. We go to the beach, look at photo albums and reminisce. Then we write Brenna's name in the sand and throw our sticks into the water. It has become our special place and a special healing ritual.
On the first year after her death I spent her birthday with friends and tried to keep myself busy and that was OK but on the second year I went out all by myself and hugged trees. People probably thought I was an idiot but I didn't care--my daughter loved to touch and hug trees (something she could do from her wheelchair) and doing something she loved brought me great comfort. Another year I took a marker, wrote things I missed about her onto stones and then threw them into the water. I've also written her letters--some I have buried and some I have burned in a tin can in a park--blowing the ashes into the wind and the greater universe.
I've learned through these fifteen years that when anniversaries or special times of the year come up it is wise to honor your emotions and grieve by choosing to do something that recognizes your loss and the life of someone so precious.

Losing a child forever changes us. One of my favorite characters in a book replied when someone said to him, "you will miss her. It was a statement rather than a question. He replied....like a fibre gone from my heart."My you take comfort that by sharing your story you will have helped others who read it and my you take comfort in knowing that others have gone before you too.I will think of you of May 1 and even though memories of your sweet child will mingle with tears of grief I wish you a measure of peace and comfort in them.

SusanG

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Reply by moderator | modératrice

14 May 2012, 12:03 AM

I send special thoughts to all of you, especially today, who have lost your dear child(ren). Mother's Day is a tough day. But you are not alone. We'll be here should you want to share.

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