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Lost my partner: lymphoma 
Started by merverlous
20 Jun 2012, 6:57 PM

I lost my spouse three months ago and it is the most difficult thing that i ever had to deal with.
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Reply by Tian
20 Jun 2012, 11:35 PM

Dear Merverlous

I would be surprised if the loss of your spouse wasn't the most difficult thing you ever had to deal with. It is all too common and what varies is the length of time it takes to achieve some sense of normalcy. Do you have children, friends, people who share your loss? Have you been able to get back into any kind of routine?

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Reply by NatR
21 Jun 2012, 3:12 AM

Dear Merverlous

Thank you for sharing your loss with us on the forum. My heart goes out to you.
You have come to the right place to find support and encouragement.

I hope that you will continue to post notes, share your feelings at this difficult time.  We want you to know you aren't alone.  You can leave notes whenever you feel like sharing - and someone will respond.

I hope you will continue to share as you go through this grieving process.  It does help to share.  No one will judge you or criticize.  My thoughts go out to you tonite
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Reply by Brayden
21 Jun 2012, 3:36 AM

Dear Merverlous,
I am so sorry to hear of your deep loss and I am sure it is unlike anything you have experienced before. You will undoubtedly find it painful to adjust to a lifestyle that does not include your much loved spouse. The first year will be especially difficult as you pass different anniversary dates. At this point you just want to try and maintain a good diet and get adequate rest. Do not allow anyone to pressure you to do things you do not feel like doing at this point. We all grieve differently and should be allowed to move along that journey at our own speed. When you feel up to it, please update us and do not be afraid to share particular problems that you are facing. We here all care about you.
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Reply by merverlous
21 Jun 2012, 11:38 PM

I am very greatful for all the encoraging remarks so far.I am doing fine and following just what brayden adviced me to do. I am taking everything at my own speed. My wife and i had no kids so i am alone at home. I am thankful that i had to take care of her durring the final days of her life not knowing what her fate would be. She was strong up to the point of her death. She never lost her ability to comunicate with me. She never allowed me to cry at her bedside. She would remark, honey if you cry you will make my diffculty to breath worse. I held back alot of my tears at her bedside trying to please her. Her suffering was hard for me to wittiness even now when i recall the final moments of her life, i always break down. She was my friend and suporter in life. I lost alot, but i am trying to move on, it is slow now but hope to do better soon. Thanks again for all the support and allowing me to share with you how i feel. 
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Reply by NatR
22 Jun 2012, 4:44 PM

Dear Merverlous

You are very brave.  You held back your pain and tears so your wife would be okay.  You stayed by her side, you smiled your way through the tears...and you are truly a hero, a wonderful person.

I am sorry that you have no children at home to lean on, to talk to.  Do you have other family nearby? Aunts, Uncles, cousins, etc?  Surely you have at least a friend or two that you can be yourself with - as well as talking here with us, it would be good to speak to even a chaplain, health care worker...someone who understands the pain you have dealt with, and the road you are still travelling.

I cannot imagine how it feels to be in your shoes.  I have lost a brother, a father, and it gives me a clue into your feelings.  But the important thing is that you are reaching out to talk to us, to talk this out.

It takes a brave person to do that.  There are days that will be hard, days that feel like it just happened, and other days when you will realize, oh, for a couple of hours I forgot what has been on my heart continually....at least that is how it works for me when I have had a loss, a shock, and am suffering with grief, guilt, confusion, sadness.

Feel free to write daily, or just whenever you need to.  Starting to have a routine helps. Just so you can get through the day - make sure you check in with someone here, make sure you get enough rest at night, plan a lunch with a friend, a walk, or something in your daily life that gives you company, a chance to talk about anything or nothing.  Sometimes journals help too.  When it builds up inside, it helps to write things down and clear your mind at least for awhile.

Thinking of you today.  Wishing you a sunny afternoon and hope that you know we care,
Sincerely, NatR 
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Reply by Brayden
22 Jun 2012, 6:14 PM

Dear Merverlous,
I want to support the kind and tender words that NatR sent you this morning.
We both sense that the importance of finding at least one non-judgemental, trustworthy friend that you can pour your feelings out to. My neighbour just did that minutes ago because her young brother died this morning. 

If you decide to journal, you migh write a letter to your love. Tell her how hard it was for you not to cry before her but you understand why she did not want you to. Tell her that now you feel free to cry anytime that you wish.

NatR called you brave. I think that is because it is more difficult for men to share their deep feelings than it is for wormen.

Do not feel badly if periodically, out of no where, your emotions crash for a day or two. That is just part of the mysterious grieving process.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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Reply by Mark99
22 Jun 2012, 8:54 PM

Hi all and Merverious: I have just joined and am finding my way around this site. I saw your post and thought I would respond in kind. Donna, my wife of 29+ years, died last August 7. It was NSCLC. She was told at her diagnosis that she had six months to live. It was done via voice mail at work. Yup horrific but the primary care doc felt so guilty he got us an amazing oncologist who was brilliant and caring and he lead us all the way. 


We all grieve differently and need to find our balance and place in this journey. And like you we have (notice the tense I used) no children. It was Donna and I and Nina our Westie (her Westie actually). The emotion and feelings are crushing every day. A good friend said the day Donna passed that the one thing to do is not shy away from any and all emotions. You cannot circumvent this time and the loss because it will come back to bite you in the butt later. I took Ron's advice and I don't regret it. I have been lucky to be able to work with a counselor at CancerCare.org and talk out what is going on. I also force myself to eat, exercise, talk with friends and try and live. It is not easy and doesn’t get easy it just gets to be part of a process. I am finding posting here and talking to others helps me organize my emotions and thoughts to find what Donna's death and life meant. If there is one take away for me it is that I have recognized more deeply and truly what we were and are. And what I am doing with this process can be best summed up in the following email from another friend. 


"Decathexis is the word.
Freud (I was told) used the word CATHEXIS to talk about attachment. My supervisor talked about the process of grief being the work of "DECATHEXIS" and that is the tying off the threads (the warp & the woof) of the tapestry of the relationship. All the threads that make up that tapestry have to be tied off, the tapestry completed. The tapestry remains and is preserved through that tying off of the threads that formed the relationship. And it's hard, time-consuming work."

I think that captures for me what I am trying to do. I hate the word closure. I will not close that part of my life because Donna loved me into being (said by Fred Rodgers) But what I will do is during this year and going forward I will create this tapestry of her with memories that I can carry with me. Carry not as a banner for the world but my small pocket square that I created for me. I am very much a militant re: grieving. It is my process I own it and I will elevate it as I see fit. Donna was a very strong and powerful personality and like your wife she didn't want me to be sad but Donna put in a way that only she could "Don't be a maudlin pussy" Yes I am sad and cry and hurt but I know that pain is weakness leaving me as I build my tapestry of Donna. I also say “It is not what we think of the person we love but how we feel about ourselves when we are with that person.” And that is what grieving is for me how I feel about because of and with Donna in spite of her death.

I hope I'm being additive to this thread and you. I do live in NYC and we tend to be a bit crass. Let me know if I can share more with you about my journey if you believe it has benefit. Live in the moment and be true to yourself as she would have wanted.
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Reply by moderator | modératrice
29 Jun 2012, 8:22 PM

Hi Merverlous,
How are things going today? 
Did you see the new thread that Nanalovesu started? It's called Going from WE to ME....   I thought you might like to join the conversation.
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