Hi Everyone

It’s been a while since I logged in to Virtual Hospice.  I thought that I was over the grieving process of losing my husband, two years ago, April 1^st.  The last few months have been very hard, missing him like never before. 

My brother-in- law passed away New Years’s Eve.  In less than two years, I have lost three from my family.  That could have something to do with my feelings of loss and anxiety.  Not sure if that has triggered my feelings again or not.

 Maybe they never left and I was just hiding them by keeping busy.  I have never felt so alone.  Everyone says it’s the hard winter that we have endured.  And it could also be that I have to think if I can stay and maintain my house in the winter.  I am still able to snowblow two huge hills but not sure how long I can do that.  Everyone says I will know when it’s time to sell the house! 

As I write this, I feel  an emptiness that doesn’t seem to go away.  Maybe it never will and I expect too much!  Want to be able to smile and laugh like I used to but don’t have that happy feeling, no matter what the situation. 

Regards,

Jane

Thank you everyone for your kind words of wisdom.  My therapist suggested that I go back on line and discuss what I have been going through.  Putting words on paper seems to console me some how.

I understand the emotions that I go through.  Been there, done that kind of feeling.  Then you wonder what started all the sadness again that never left.  I guess I though it did.  And you are right, it could be a picture, and possibly Valentine’s Day approaching. 

I understand the seeping of emotions creeps up on you.  Just when I thought my waking in the morning of Avery’s last moments was over, they come back with a vengeance. 

My expectations of where I would be after almost two years since Avery’s passing, are perhaps too much for me to attain.  Figuring that I would be past the crying stage off and on, and on to a new life.  I think that perhaps after 40 years, things won’t change as much as I want them to.   I am expecting too much all at once and change comes gradually.  I guess we are all impatient in the pursuit of happiness.   Just when you think you have your life planned out, God throws you a curve ball that’s hard to catch! 

Regards, Jane

It's been a while since I last posted. There is so much I want to say but can't type fast enough. Almost three years have passed since my husband passed away from cancer. I moved out of our home to a new one hoping it would help me take the steps forward in life. I think it did. I no longer saw the room where his bed and caring took place. They became memories placed on a shelf.

At night sometimes I continue to flashback to the final day, hour, minute, his hand let go of mine.

But his words of hope continued to push me to try to live and love again. Which for me is difficult at times. To allow someone else into my life withowut feeling like I'm cheating on him.  I know that may sound silly but that's how it feels to me. I have been dating a wonderful man, full of patience and understanding.

Today is Valentine's Day, wish I could buy 2 cards. For one I would get a hug and kiss, the other I would shed tears. I know my late husband wouldn't want me to do that. My life must go on. Just have to find  a dream again.

Happy Valentine's Day

Bev