Dear Jane (PPP):
You are never rambling on - lol - that's my MO!:)
You are doing amazing even though you are hurting daily, and you are right that the intensity of the feelings you have now will lessen over time. How much time is not possible to predict, but I believe you will not be tormented for the rest of your life with feelings that feel so hard to bear. I know what you mean about being content at home doing your own thing when you knew Avery would be joining you at the end of the day to enjoy supper together. That time of day in particular must be a very tough time of day for you!
The silence in your home is deafening I'm sure as you miss the sound of Avery's voice and the feeling of his presence even when no words were spoken between you. I think of how much harder it is for you than some others, because you have also lost your sister and your best friend and you don't have your cloest friends, those who knew you best to lean on and to share your pain during this time. No wonder your sense of loneliness is increased, yet you keep going on and trying your best to deal with everything you're feeling.
I imagine the reason that you are not into your routines as you were when Avery is alive is because you don't have the same incentive to please another person as you have all of your life up until now. You ween't just doing the work around the house and garden, cooking meals and all the little things that make a house a home, you were doing them with a purpose in mind, for your own satisfaction, yes, but also for the benefit of Avery. It is hard to prepare meals for one as it doesn't feel the same as when sharing a meal with the one you love. It is so hard Jane, but remember each day how far you've come over these past months and hang on to the hope that you will go only farther in your healing and acceptance with each day done. You will sometimes fall back and at other times make great leaps forward, but you can't hurry the process of grieving, but it will get easier.
I understand how you feel like you're awaking to a nightmare to be shocked by the realization that Avery is actually gone. I have felt this way many times about my Mom. Sometimes I would feel a certain panic when the thought would come into my head that she had really died. It still happens sometimes to me, as it did this week, and it's never easy to deal with as it feels sometimes like my grief is a fresh a year and a half after my Mom's death as it was the first few days, but it is not like this for me most of the time, thank goodness.
Keep writing, Jane and letting out your feelings if it makes you feel better and better able to cope. I hope it does because I know from my experience it helps me when I try to express in words the sorrow I am feeling, and yet I know that there are no words to fully express the hurt in one's heart, little by little, word by word, we get to a place of healing and acceptance.
Wishing you a good week, Jane and I and others will be here for you whenever you write again. You are getting through day by day and you are not alone as with every step you take forward, backward and forward again, we are with you to cheer you on!:)
With affection -hugs -xo
Cath1