Hello Everyone

Mark99, glad to hear you are “on the mend”.  It takes great  strength to go through such trauma.

It has been quite a while since I posted, trying to come to grips with my loss of Avery.  As I suspected, the winter proved unbearable by myself.  Christmas was made very special with my children and grandchildren and I thank them for that.  Unfortunately, New Years was not quite the same.  I have been very lonesome and emotional since New Years.  It left me with an emptiness that I thought maybe had dulled somewhat but made me realize I had started a new year without the love of my life.

Everyday, I wake up with the same thoughts of Avery taking his last breath, wishing I could have done more and wanted to go with him on his last journey.  I realize I couldn’t do those things, that he was better off, not suffering anymore.  I do think of all the precious moments we spent together, but unfortunately, his death plays center stage.  I feel like I am starting over with my grief.  As I think back through the last year, it is a roller coaster ride of emotions!

I decided at the end of January to stay with my children out of town to pass the bleak winter month of February.  Valentine’s Day was another “first” for me.  Avery never forgot to make that day very special for us.  I have been dwelling on the beautiful times we had together and how in love we always were.  We started out as teenagers in love, and spent 47 wonderful years together, married for 42! 

Right now, we would be planning a trip somewhere “tropical” to get us through the rest of the Canadian winter!  Thinking about those wonderful trips we took  will get me through the rest of the next few months!

Wishing everyone a wonderful day!

Regards

Jane

Hi Everyone

I was just 16 and Avery was 18 when we I met through mutual friends.  He was such a clown, and always made me laughing with his antics.  There was never a dull moment when Avery was in the room.  Always had a joke and a smile for everyone in any situation.  I suppose it was typical for Avery to die on April 1^st, April Fools day, given his personality, and I am sure he would be laughing about it at this moment!

He was a romantic and would wine and dine me without a reason.  When the kids were toddlers, he arranged an overnite stay at a hotel without my knowledge.  He packed a suitcase, needless to say, missing a few items, but I didn’t care!  We joked about that for years!  We had a memorable night for the first time without the kids!  I remember the husbands on the street were upset because all the wives found out what he did and wanted the same!  LOL 

For years to come, there was many surprises for me. For our 40^th, he arranged a getaway at a resort that I will always cherish and gave me rubies!  He wanted to take me to Ireland for our 40th, but I said we could wait.  I shouldn’t have waited.  If we only knew what was in store for us……..He was always one step ahead of me for every occasion; such a caring, loving person.  Even through all his chemo during his stem cell transplant, he always had a smile, never a complaint. 

I am glad Tracie to hear that you replay Len’s death also.   Such a traumatic event in our lives that needs time to heal?  I am so fortunate that Avery and I had all those years together.  I want to remember him joking and laughing, as he was, but I wake up holding him dying in my arms!  Avery would not want this for me and I try and remember that!

I wish you the best Tracie with getting ready to sell your house.  My thoughts are with you.

Hugs Jane

Happy Easter to Everyone

I am trying to get through the first anniversary  my husband,  Avery,  passed away.  On March 28^th 2012, he went into the hospital  and I knew in my heart it was serious but refused to go there because he had been given a clean bill of health on March 12^th, free of cancer!  Unfortunately, his heart gave out and they only gave him two or three days!  You always think the doctors are wrong, and he would outlive their predictions.  He passed away April 1^st.  It was so fitting for him to die on April Fools Day, because he was  a joker, always laughing and telling his best “jokes”!    At any given time, he would make us all laugh until we cried. 

I try and remember that he would not want me to be crying as I do, but the emptiness is still there and always will be.  They say it gets easier, but I am finding this anniversary the worst of the whole year.  I look back and I am amazed the year has gone.  I feel as if time has stood still emotionally for me!  Maybe It’s because spring isn’t coming as quickly as I or you would like.  I am looking at big snowflakes right now! 

I guess I want something magical to happen and everything would return to Avery and I sitting on the beach, a year ago today, watching the ice melt, and being 25 degrees outside!  Maybe it’s because I filed his last tax return yesterday!  It all seems so final now!  I am coming full circle without him by my side, the love of my life!

All my life, I never thought that I would feel such loneliness and helplessness emotionally.  Just when I thought I was easing the grief, it has come back with a vengeance!  Everyone around me says its natural and I have a right to feel the way I do!  It is hard to live without loving, you, Avery!

Regards

Jane