Hello Again
I know its been awhile since I wrote, I truly feel likje an old broken record. I dont feel like I am doing well. I feel so down, our lives have changed so much, the energy required to put on my presentable face takes energy that Im not sure I have.
Im finding that there are days that I get up and get out of the house... and Im okay
but there are days that if even in the middle of the day I drop in home... thats it..I dont want to leave.. I want to hide
Then there are days that I dont want to leave the house at all...
Our hospice grief councillor is no longer working for Hospice...so there is no councilling available for myself and the twins.. I cannot afford to pay for seeing councillors for all three of us...
Im not sure where to turn, I want to just sit down and cry.....
How on Earth do spouses EVER get through this? How do they ever carry on, smile again and feel okay ?
Its only been three months (going on 4) and I just cant bear that he is not coming home.
The lonliness, the sadness, the emptiness.......
I keep re-living every word we shared when dealing with his cancer, his pain, his tears, his fears and it breaks my heart.
I truly wish I knew of someone in my area that lost her husband that I could spend time with.... that I could have coffee with - maybe so I could feel normal, maybe so I could share feelings and not feel people are judging me... thinking its time to accept and move on....
Im not sure that I will ever not feel this present sadness, on the verge of tears at all times.
I keep telling myself that other people have gotten through it, but I guess it would help to talk to some of those people.
carriek :(                 

Dear Jane
I have been wondering how you are doing, I re-read your posts and feel a closeness to you, as I hear the sadness and pain in your words.
I think of you often, wondering how you are, and know how you must be feeling.... as Im feeling the same. I am here if you would like to talk. Maybe we can help each other.
(((hugs))))
CarrieK     

Dear Carriek

And yes, I have often thought of hiding away, hoping that when you come out, everything will be normal again.  It’s like you’re walking in a fog and waiting for it to lift, so that you can see more clearly! .   Slowly the fog does lift and you begin to start and feel something normal your life again.  It seems only the little things at first, but that’s ok.  We are in no rush to get the grief over with!  We have lots of time and we need to remember this!  I am a fine one to talk!  I get very upset with myself for crying some days and wanting to hide as you said.  When I look back 3 months ago, I was in a different place than I am right now and as you said, I was always on the verge of tears at the thought of not ever seeing my Avery again.  And yes, even saying this brings tears to my eyes, but saying this helps me get through the grieving. 

As you mentioned, someone to talk with makes you feel like you’re not alone.  We both have been in the same place and need to express our grief.    I find all the “firsts” I have had to do by myself (without Avery) make me feel very alone.  I guess that’s why we’re ok one day and not the next!  Every occasion presents another obstacle to overcome!  And yes, we want normal so bad!  We have to create a new normal on a daily basis.  Difficult to do at first because we had the caregiver routine for so long.  I have gradually changed my routine, trying to create a new one, one small step at a time; even if its just changing the time I eat supper. I remember going in circles some days, not accomplishing anything!  No concentration whatsoever!  It is gradually coming back.  Be patient with yourself!  We tend to be too hard on ourselves!

Believe it or not, just typing this out gives me a little peace of mind, that maybe I am healing my heart, the one that has been broken for so long.

Keep sending posts as this has helped me bring out some of my frustrations I didn’t even know existed until I put them on paper.

Regards Jane

• Grief

• Grief in times of celebration

Dear Carrriek (Carolyn)

I read some of my earlier posts and see some of the progress I have made.  Some days it feels like I am still in the same place 7 months ago, but when I look back, I am in a different place and have come to accept most things I cannot change!

 I have overcome some of the obstacles in my way, like the jobs Avery would have done for me.  I am sure you have found this out also.  The hardest part of the grieving process is not having someone close enough to talk about the little day to day things that both you and your spouse would share.  I have been told “I worry too much”, just because I am passing ideas back and forth.  Yes, maybe I do worry, but I also had someone to help me out with the “man” things that need to get done. 

As you stated, I wish there was a support group for widows.  I hope through my rambling, I can give you support as this writing gives me support.  I have a social service with my doctor’s office that is set up for grieving with a councillor.   He actually called me this week to see how I was doing and to see if I needed to talk.  Believe it or not, typing this out has helped me get through the grieving and hope that you do the same.  Have you checked with your doctor about this kind of service where you live? 

We are entering the winter months which I have been dreading because I live on a lake that I need to snow blow the hills on my property myself.  I do realize that my years here our numbered but need to be here just for a few more years.  I want my grandchildren to enjoy the lake in winter and summer and  all that it has to offer. 

We are going to go through the next few months Carolyn with wishes that our love is beside us.  We must remember they would want us to continue living life to the fullest, without shedding tears, and doing the best that we can!  I am trying to continue the same things I did for Christmas that I always have.  It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but remember how strong we were when our husbands needed our help when they were sick, the same applies now, only we have to look after us and our families.  That is what will take us to a good place!

Giving you best wishes,

Jane