(((Marks sister)))) <- these are hugs 


I know the pain you're feeling all to well.  I lost my brother at the end of November to cancer.  

He and I were not close in the conventional sense.  He was 9 years older than I and about 30 yrs. ago moved his family 1000 mi. away with good reason.  Our mother was very brutal in her critizm of his wife and everything he did (I too was treated the same way) and I don't blame him one bit for moving away from that.  However because of the fact that he was not a very communicative person, the age difference and the animosity his wife felt towards our family we rarely talked to each other.  Maybe 2-3 times a year and once every 4 yrs. or so he'd make an obligatory visit out to see out Mom.  It was his daughters that keep the family lines open and going.  I also sent him his favorite Christmas dessert each year - apparently something he looked forward to each year and wouldn't share with others.  

So when he bacame very ill it was my niece to who called me to tell me so.  He didn't want her to "bother me" as he knew I would insist on going out to see him.  He was right - I knew I had to see him and I will never regret that visit.  

He was such a quiet, gentle man who hated a fuss.  However in the times we were alone we did have those conversations - the ones you always meant to have but never really got around to them.  Even though we lived so much apart I loved him dearly and I knew that he loved me - it was just something I knew in my heart.  And so when we were having those conversations I was surprised that he felt so guilty for not being a better "brother" to me.  I just never thought of it that way.  I eventually had to return home, not knowing how much time he had left, and we said our good-byes.  He passed away a few days later (the doctor thought he'd have another month!).   I wrote a thread on this topic here: 

The Gift and Blessing of Saying Goodbye 

I was devastated.  I was also surprised at the depth of grief I felt since we hadn't been "close".  But it struck me to the core and the loss would come to me in waves; out of the blue at times.  I didn't worry about or concern myself with others responces.  When "death" becomes part of the conversation so many people just don't know what to say or do.  Your siblings probably felt the same way..... they just did not know what to say or do and were just too uncomfortable to face it.  Perhaps they did not want to accept the reality of your brother's dying.   It's easy for us to judge others but in the end we really don't know what was in their hearts nor the burdens that created for them.  

You will learn to grieve and mourn in your own way.  Each of us is so different but as long as we allow ourselves the time to go "through" it and not avoid or go around it, we will eventually find peace with it.  We never forget.  There will always be pain with the memories but they will be overshadowed by the joy that those memories bring.  

Take your time, treat yourself gently and know that your brother is still walking beside you. 


be good to you - Razz