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Tired of the Loneliness and Pain 
Started by Luba84
23 May 2013, 9:30 PM
Mike and I raised a family in Alberta and then moved to Texas in 2001 for his job. We had a wonderful life there . No kids to raise, wonderful friends, lots to do and above all else, we had each other. In 2009, I had back surgery and am now handicapped with paralysis of my right shin/foot and other nerve damage that is showing up now. I came home in March 2009 from the hospital and on April 20, Mike was diagnosed with Stage IV Lung Canacer. He fought hard and long, but passed away in August 2012.

We were due to have our Green Card medicals when he died, so I was unable to stay in ourt home with the support of my friends. In October, I moved lock, stock and barrel back to Edmonton. My kids were worried about me living alone, so I bought a house with my daughter and her husband. The house is set up for privacy. They have 2 young children, one 5 1/2 and the other 4. My son is an MP on a military base here in Alberta and has a wonderful wife and 3 kids.

My problem is that Mike and I did so much together -  not everything. I also shared a lot of travel/avtivities with my friends in Texas. After almost 12 years away, I am unable to connect with my friends here - I call and they never return calls. I am the type of person who finds it difficult to go anywhere alone - no, I am not a clinging vine. I just like to have someone to share the moment with. In fact, oftern when I shop with friends, we split up and meet at an appointed time.

So, here I am living with my daughter/her family and never leaving the house - no where to go, no one to go with. I come across as self confident, but am far from that - I am actually very shy. 

I feel so alone and miss Mike more and more each day. A friend tells me to get out of the house and go walk around Wal-Mart, Costco or anywhere just to get out. I just can't bring myself to do that. I wish that i was the one that had died, as I know that Mike would have coped so much better. I so want this pain and loneliness to be over.

 
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Reply by moderator | modératrice
24 May 2013, 12:31 AM
Dear Luba84,

Welcome to Virtual Hospice. I'd like to introduce you to several VH members who know this lonliness that you feel first-hand. Meet Nanalovesu, Mark99, PPP, Marstin, Liticia, and others on this thread:

There's a lot to read, so you may just want to skip ahead to the last page to read the most recent messages. They will be sure to welcome you warmly and walk with you.

Colleen

 

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Reply by marstin
24 May 2013, 2:35 AM
Hi Luba84,

You poor lady, so much upheaval. It's hard enough losing your best friend,your husband, but to have to uproot yourself and move far away from the friends that you know best would be so difficult. I understand your loneliness. I lost my love of 23 years to bladder cancer in July of 2012 on what was to be our wedding day and within 7 1/2 weeks my other closest person, my Mom, passed away from the stress. My life has always been my family so I truly have very few friends to turn to. I have two daughters in their early 20's that live with me and at this point in our lives we are having to prepare our home to put it up for sale. I understand that having our children close by just doesn't take the place of friends or our partner.

Finding new friends is a very difficult task and one that I haven't quite worked out yet either. I am also quite a shy person yet come across as being confident. Have you thought about getting some councelling? I just started my sessions and find that they help a bit emotionally. Where I am there is also a group for widows and widowers that I haven't yet started but plan to. Something like this might surprise you by having other people trying to find their way alone and are equally as nervous. If you could push yourself to try something like this, you might find new friends that truly understand where you're coming from. Like your friend, I would encourage you to take yourself out of the house and go for a walk or go shopping. I found that pushing myself out the door everyday is how I have coped with the loneliness.

Scarily enough, I understand it when you say that you wish it had been you that went instead of him. My husband was the rock in the household that we all leaned on and once he was gone I had to work my way through so many things that came at me that I had no knowledge of. I have felt so inept compared to him when my daughters need answers to things that I haven't got a clue about or have had to figure out through trial and error. Here's what I do know. You are still here for a reason.

It truly is difficult to not have anyone to 'share the moment' with. I remember going away for a few days and upon returning it hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn't have my partner to share it with nor could I call my mom and tell her all about it. It's a heartbreaking reality.

Thank goodness you have found this site and I hope that you will continue to come and share on here. For most of us that are walking this path that we did not choose, we have found so much comfort and caring. We give each other support and are there to listen to all of the highs and lows through the grieving process. We all heal at different speeds and in different ways but the main point is that we have a place to go where people truly understand the journey and will listen.

Hugs,
Tracie
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Reply by Brayden
24 May 2013, 2:17 PM
Dear Luba84,
You have had your life ripped apart and you are now left to try and piece it together to a point. I just wanted to add one more idea for you to get connected with people and get out of the house. You could think of volunteering at a place that would take you to people,i.e. the public library or whatever. This too would help you create your new identity as a widow. Just a thought but keep in touch here for more ideas.
Brayden
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Reply by FloridaSunset
09 Jun 2013, 11:29 PM
Hi Luba84 - I'm a new member of Virtual Hospice having just lost my Husband, who was also my Best Friend, to Prostate Cancer.  I don't have words of wisdom - but wanted to let you know I think I share some of the same feelings as you do.  Everyone has their lives in motion and as much as I know they care about me, they go on and nothing in their lives has really changed.  I am the only one in my circle of friends and family that has lost a spouse.
During the final days I often thought why Him and not Me!  Even more I thought why him at all, he was so good to everyone he met, always made people smile and laugh, lived a good healthy lifestyle.  Then I try to cheer myself up and say How in the world would he have been able to handle all of this paperwork!  Who would have been around to take care of  him when he was old? Nobody could have loved and taken care of my husband more than his wife and best friend if I went first!  He would be going through the pain that I'm now going through and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.  Know what I mean?  But yes, I, too, would have taken his place in an instant.   I try to be happy for the good times that we did have together, even though it was too short, and think of the young fallen soldiers who have left wives behind who never had a chance to experience the joys we did.  That's my mind talking - then my heart takes over the and pain and lonliness and fear and anger starts again.

Yes - someone also told me - Go Shopping & I did - Not a good day at all.  As I walked through the stores we used to shop in together I felt my chest tighten up - I tried to avoid the Hardware Section, but even passing by the mens clothing department remembered the favorite items I bought there for him.  Happen to you too?   Everywhere I go there are memories and reminders that things will never be the same again. 

I know we must be sharing some of the same experiences. You are blessed to have little ones around. They bring joy without even trying.  And to have someone in the same house as you must give you comfort knowing you are physically not alone and safe.  My husband worried in his last days who would take care of me - I'm guessing your husband is probably happy you have found that security.  You must be a special person to have been welcomed by your daughter-in-law. 
I wish you well - I spend alot of time on Virtual Hospice and am seeing that there are so many others who are going through what I am - as I get a little bolder, I will start to reach out to others for help.  Right now, it seems like a really bad drean & I keep hoping I will wake up and things will be like they used to be. 

    
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Reply by Luba84
10 Jun 2013, 3:33 AM
Thanks for taking the time to share with me. Your journey describes mine almost to a t. I just wish that I had peers to actually talk to and spend time with.
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Reply by Liticia
10 Jun 2013, 11:10 PM
Hi Luba,

Know exactly what you are going threw.  My husband past away on June 13th, 2012 It will be one year soon  I still miss him so much   I always say he is sitting beside me all the time   I have traveled a lot to try to change the hurting it did help a little bit.  Now we are near that date I remember hour by hour what happened a year ago   The pain doesn t go away  If we could have groups in my surrounding that had lived the same thing it could be easier to express myself without justifying my tears   People don t understand  they say to me what has he done to you for you to still morn like that.   I don t come as often but I do undestand and sympatize with everybody  Take  care!!!!
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Reply by Luba84
11 Jun 2013, 11:03 PM
Thanks Liticia for sharing. I know exactly how you feel. I am fortunate as I have a good friend that lets me literally cry on her shoulder. In fact, yesterday we talked for 3 hours. No, no one knows why you are still mourning - we will alsways mourn.  You take care too. Is there a way to privately email each other?
 
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Reply by Liticia
12 Jun 2013, 1:31 AM
Hi Luba,

My privete e-mail is xxx 
My pleasure feel free to write to me  

Thanks for replying   Take care ! 

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Reply by moderator | modératrice
12 Jun 2013, 2:23 AM
Hi Liticia,

It's not a good idea to share your email publicly on the forum. It may result in you receiving spam mail. With you permission, I could send Luba your email address.

Luba, may I send you Liticia's email address?
Colleen 
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