Hi NatR

Sorry for being slow responding.  My excuse?  Life kinda messes one’s schedule and priorities up at times.  “Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans.”

 I am sorry to hear about the passing of your Mom.

 Yes it is your turn to ask Virtual Hospice for help – we will all get our “turn”

 The good news, just like you are there for others, we are here for you, NatR.

 Many times I refrain from posting back to people because I feel that I have nothing constructive to say, because I have not walked their path, and therefore cannot relate to their pain.

 This time, I can.  NatR, in telling your story, you have allowed me to see similarities to my story.  I struggled mightily with my Mom’s death years ago.  So let me share with you.

My wife and I were living three provinces away, at the time, running a business.  Being away from the business was very difficult.  My Mom was living in Ontario.  My sister lived in the same town and was constantly at Mom’s side, near the end.

 I had tremendous guilt because I couldn’t be with her, especially in her final days. 

 Mom (doing what Moms do), totally understood, and always said things to lessen my guilt feelings.  After all, Moms have spent a lifetime putting their childrens’ lives first, before their own needs, feelings, desires etc. 

 Moms do this because they want to, not because they have to.  The happiness of their children is their number one priority.  They’d have it no other way.  Our Moms would not want us to feel guilty and unhappy.  That would work towards the very opposite of their goal – to raise happy children.

 My Mom also struggled all her life, in not one, but two dysfunctional relationships.  Putting her children first, I think, gave her a focus for the meaning of her life.  At least that is how she made her children feel.

 My Mom too was in a “facility” for her last years.  I have no guilt, however, because it is there that she received the care that none of her children could provide.  Sometimes, despite our best intentions, we must let go and let others take over.  We simply are not able to take care of them ourselves.

 NatR, how many times have we, here at VH, told others to let go of the guilt?  Guilt most often is either unwarranted, or at least, exaggerated to the point where we are unhappy.  Unhappiness is the exact opposite of what our Moms want for us. 

 When I went through my “guilt trip”, I wallowed for some time until I had the “inspiration” to realize that the best way that I could honour my Mom’s memory was to fulfill her number one goal – to be her happy “child”.  When I finally “turned that corner”, my outlook and my life improved dramatically.

 You simply have to “bloom where you are planted.  Geographically, you couldn’t be with your Mom.  You did the next best thing in caring for your disabled family member, NatR.  The fact that you sacrificed so much to care for a disabled family member, must fill your Mom’s heart with such love and pride. I use the present tense on purpose, for I can always feel my Mom’s presence, looking down and comforting me. 

 And, NatR, I have a dysfunctional, estranged sibling in my life too.  The only thing that I can do to assuage my guilt over this situation is to know that I am putting my own little family, here, first by protecting them from all that negative energy.

 In my hospice volunteer work I see the “dysfunctional family syndrome” all the time.  I reach out to the dying, non-judgmentally, offering them comfort and presence.  I suppose that it is my way of “paying it backwards” – or whatever – for my own contribution to the dysfunctionality of my larger family, and also mot having been there for my Mom in her final days.

 As far as letting go of the anger; remember the entire purpose of doing so.  Letting go of the anger is a procedure in self-care.  It has everything to do with you and really, nothing to do with them.  As you “stew” in your anger, they are chomping down on their “Big Mac”, blithely unaware of your existence, never mind your pain.  Picture that metaphor the next time you feel anger, or pass a McDonalds, or both.  Let it put a smile on your face, and thereby release the pain from your heart.  If we pause and think about it, then it is so evident: life is just too short for all that “stuff”. 

Yes, your Mom’s struggle is over.  The same with my Mom.  Picture your Mom in a better place – a place of infinite Love, Joy and Peace.  See your Mom, looking down, smiling gently and simply wishing Love, Joy and Peace fill your life, NatR.

 Ps  I would like to offer you thanks, NatR.  You have “made my day by putting a smile into my heart.  I have been dealing with some “stuff” lately.  I became introspective and self-absorbed wallowing in “negative emotions”.  My spirit is elevated and my heart is lightened in reaching out to you. 

 I have had one of my core beliefs reinforced.  I try to be “Outward Reaching” as opposed to “Inward Seeking.  “Whenever you are feeling ‘down’, go do something nice for someone – then think about it a lot, simply, to put a smile on your face.  When the effect wears off, then it is surely a sign to go do something nice for someone all over again.

 Hey, little Virtual Hospice Virtual Sister.  I send to you my thoughts and my prayers.

 - eKim