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Reply by marstin
27 Sep 2013, 4:18 PM

Hi Paula,

I can relate to how overwhelmed you are feeling by everything. You are so surrounded by responsibility and everywhere you go the memories and the 'stuff' probably makes you want to run away. Is there any way that you could do just that? What I mean is, could you take a few days away somewhere even if it's going to a friends house for a couple of days to just be away from that environment? Having had to deal with clearing out my mom's house, mostly alone because my brother dislikes working with anyone, and now trying to clear out my own house with all of my husbands 'collections' has been extremely stressful. I have taken two mini vacations in the past year, a few days at a girlfriends and a few at the family cabin, and found that it helped so much to get away from the dark cloud by not having to deal with it. It's not really running away, it's taking a bit of time out to recharge your batteries and not have the weight of responsibility on you. I know that at this time I'm desperately in need of another mini vacation because I have become so stuck again and can't seem to deal with all of the issues that keep pounding at me and the clearing of the house and getting it on the market is a huge one. I'm feeling frozen which tells me that I need a mental vacation.

Is there any way that you could get your brother to help you with your parents things? Sounds like he's avoiding things by not even dealing with the truck. I know my brother has been no support at all through my double losses and I've ended up having to allow strangers to come and help me which in itself is a dangerous thing.

I wonder if the blockages you keep running into with moving of the business is that little voice telling you to try doing it online. If you tried it and it didn't work out could you not then look for a store somewhere to start it up again in the retail environment? It's just a thought. Of course you would still have to figure out where to store the inventory but it might make it easier to spend more time with your family and not have to travel so far or deal with high maintenance customers in person.

You've been through hell and in time things will start to improve, very slowly but it will happen. Don't beat yourself up for feeling the way you do. You're entitled to feel sorry for yourself under the circumstances.

Just know that we've got your back and will be here whenever you feel the need to vent.

Hugs,
Tracie
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Reply by Bizzy
02 Oct 2013, 10:53 AM

Hi lilbear,
I woke up the other morning thinking about your grief and loss and I just wanted to comment.
No idea what the reason is that you feel lost and unhappy? Because you are. Your world as you knew it is gone.  It will never ever be the same. You are lost and of course you've got every right to feel unhappy about it.  You have every right to feel more than just unhappy.

It sounds like you had a very signficant relationship with your mother.  A good healthy supportive relationship.  You've lost that.  You have significant grief to go through on that one.

But on top of the burden of that loss you also have lost a business partner and as a result you have lost the way your business used to be.   She cannot be replaced.  It is the birthright and gift of every human being.  No one can be replaced.  We are all unique. Your business will never be the same without her. 

Then to top it all off even more, you are having to fill the role of your mother in business. Of course its not your forte. Its not you. Its got to be excrutiating to have to try to fill her shoes in order to keep the business running.

Feeling lost. Yes.  Look at all you've lost.
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Reply by NatR
03 Oct 2013, 10:48 PM

Hello Lilbear,

I just wanted to pop in and say I think about you often.
like you I am dealing with loss - I recently lost my mom, and went through another loss personally - my day to day life was upended.

you are like me in that we are still looking for the next chapter - the next milepost, the next page
you and all of our sisters and brothers online are the same.  We must find a way to keep going, having had our maps, notes, directions ripped out of our hands and the trail of "breadcrumbs" all eaten up.

it may sound silly - but to me, having suffered loss feels a bit like that.  Losing all our bearings, losing our focus, suddenly faced with new challenges and decisions.

dont be too hard on yourself.  You will slowly emerge, you will survive, you will make your parents proud.  You Will do it Your way.

dont rush, don't feel pressure.  Perhaps you can find that local contact who can give you  the guidance you need with the business, what do you think?

no matter which way you go, you will be ok, you won't disappoint your mom, or your family, or yourself
i have had to ask for advice with business decisions and it helped 

it's really hard to recover from loss, I agree with you.  But there will be a turn in the tide.  You will get your mo Jo back.  You will be you again.
remember your mom is beside you, created you and carried you.  You can do this;)

from one one human being to another:) hang in there!
hugs NatR

ps about the stuff you don't know what to do with - try giving yourself a time limit - one hour at a time - sort and purge - give away, reuse, donate.  In time you will have won that battle too! 
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Reply by lilbear
07 Oct 2013, 6:42 PM

You are right of course...I have had a major loss. My life will never be the same. I do deserve to give myself the time and space. I don't know who I am trying to fool sometimes -me or my family...I am not alays strong even though I have always been "the rock". This is so very different and very, very difficult. There are days that I just do not believe that things will get better. I feel so wore out.
On the bright side, my Brother finally arranged to have my parents' truck taken from my driveway so I no longer have to see that every day.
Tracie - I would love to get away...but my kids need me too. I know, I have to take care of myself too, but I am afraid of being without them for any length of time right now. Even though sometimes it just seems too much to handle, I need them to keep me grounded in some ways also. They are my proof that life goes on.
I spent some time going through my parents things today with my husband and stopped when it just started to become too hard. I am leaving him in charge of selling, donating or throwing away what I designate (such as furniture). I may even give it a time limit...if not sold by that time, then I may be calling Goodwill to pick up.  I am trying to remember that it is "stuff" and that my memories will always be present even if their stuff isn't.
I am sure you all know that is easier said then done. I have a hard time letting go of things that they had for years...like it is disrespectful. I know they would never want this to be happening to me...they would never want this suffering to last. I know my Mother for certain would be telling me to just get rid of it. I guess it's that by doing so, it is truly admitting over again that they are gone and won't be coming back for there possessions...it is these reality checks that I hate!
However, if I don't get it going and revamp that area of my home (their granny apt),   I will soon get to a point where I won't be able to go in there at all.
As for the business, I am waiting to hear about another location, and if that doesn't pan out...I am preparing myself to close down after Christmas until I can figure out what to do. I feel that the right thing will come to me at the right time...I just need to be patient and let myself be open to it (somehow).
It is always amazing to me that we are all feeling similar. I have a lady that comes to my store that just lost her husband suddenly about 6 weeks ago. I think she appreciates coming to the store, because we relate and it makes her feel like she is not alone. I like to feel that I am helping her, but she helps me too. I told her about this website and I hope she utilizes it...it is extremely helpful and comforting.
Thank you, again for your support,
Paula   
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Reply by marstin
08 Oct 2013, 12:42 AM

Hi Paula,

How wonderful for you that your husband is helping you go through things. It's a tough process (I'm still going through Len's things) but having someone to share it with makes it just that little bit better. I have tried it both ways but the few times that someone has come in to help seemed to make the load easier by sharing it. I guess we all have to find our own way to deal with things like this.

When I took my mini vacations the first time I went without my daughter's (they're in their early 20's) but we stayed in constant contact. The second time the three of us went away just to take a breather from the overwhelming task of clearing this house. It was an incredibly bonding time and we came home more able to deal with everything that was waiting for us. I think it was just a case of not having to be responsible for anything other than ourselves for a few days.

I love that you are able to comfort that lady who recently lost her husband and that she can bring you some support too. That's the biggest thing that I've learned on this journey is that somehow in our times of need, we reach out and take someone else's hand to try to alleviate their pain. It's like we have formed a chain  but somehow by joining together it makes us stronger and more able to face our own personal challenges. I have found this in day to day living that there are times when I can barely put one foot in front of the other, yet if I run into someone who is struggling too I can find the strength to lift them up. I think that is part of our reason for being.

As for your business, I agree that you will know what is right when it comes along. That's the only way I have been able to move forward in my life, by trusting that we are being led in a certain direction and we will know what it is when we get there. Until that time we have to try to be patient. I sometimes worry that I have missed the signs or gone in the wrong direction but then I take a deep breath and trust that I am doing the right thing. It's not always an easy thing.

Hugs,
Tracie
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Reply by lilbear
17 Oct 2013, 1:48 PM

Well, I hope Thanksgiving was bearable for you all.  It was a rough one for me, but we went to see my brother and his family and spent the night. It was nice and the kids got a chance to goof around and play which they don't get often. That laughter and joy helped a lot.
I am finding everyday now more of a struggle. Maybe it is the constant roadblocks in business (the other location did not pan out either), or maybe my brain/emotions are just letting more filter through? 
Whatever the reason, it is harder.  I miss my parents so much.  I keep trying to tell myself that they are in a better place and together and that they would not want to watch me suffer with this grief...but we all know that is so much easier said then done.
I hate to keep bringing up my business problems, because I know this isn't really the place....but it is a huge weight.  I have had the rug pulled out on me three different times now trying to relocate - I think it is a huge sign! My Mom would have never wanted me to keep dealing with the issues I have to at this location. She always wanted me to be able to utilize my talents and the store is not the best way.  Especially now, on my own, because I have no time outside of the daily running of the business.
I am silly, I worry too much about disappointing customers if I close. But, I will be closing here after Christmas. That is definite. I cannot keep doing it. I have to figure out what I need to be happy. 
I am dreading Christmas...but even before that - Halloween! My Mom loved Halloween with the kids.  On top of that, her birthday would have been the next day (Nov. 1). Not sure how I am going to make it through those days.
I appreciate being able to "spill" on here....I may not be here all the time, but I read your responses asap and they help me to think things through.  Another's perspective is very helpful.
Paula       
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Reply by marstin
17 Oct 2013, 3:18 PM

Hi Paula,

I am glad that you were able to spend time with family on Thanksgiving. Special dates are always the tough ones to get through. I know for us it's Thanksgiving when my mom used to make a huge family dinner and we all gathered at her house. On this second Thanksgiving for us, we went to my nephew's for dinner and although it was great fun with his little ones dancing and singing, it was still a painful one.

Please don't apologize for talking about your store. It is part of your pain and lays heavy on your shoulders. In many of my posts I talk about lawyers, family, and the heavy burden of clearing my home. If we could just focus on the grieving aspect of things we might be able to heal faster but life doesn't seem to work that way. I'm a firm believer that things are going the way they are for a reason but that we haven't figured out what the reason is. On the other hand I sometimes want to kick myself to forge forward when I know I should but can't. It's all confusing. What I believe is that for you, the right opportunity hasn't presented itself yet. It will come in the right time and the right way. Try not to beat yourself up. You are doing a great job.

Another occasion, Halloween. I used to go to my mom's house every year to hand out the candy while she sat back in her lazyboy with a cup of tea and smiled about all of the children that came to her door. Some years it was upward of 300 and I was on the run the whole time. These memories will always be with me and I feel fortunate to have been able to take that on for her. Len would come and pick me up afterwards or come over a bit early and munch on candy. Our memories are something that we will carry in our hearts forever.

Last year for our first Christmas without my mom or Len, we went to my nephew's house for dinner. Although it was wonderful to be part of the family, it was so different and a little uncomfortable because we were without our main family members. We face this Christmas on our own because the rest of the family are going away somewhere for Christmas. I must admit that in a way we are looking forward to having our own dinner which I will make with my mom's roaster and recipes and even her potato masher. I know I will hear her voice as she hovers over me to make sure that I get it just right. It will be a tough time filled with memories of years gone by but to have been blessed with such happy memories will help us get through it all.

You will make it through all of these firsts and begin to make these occasions something that has the love of your parents and your own personal touch. This will be the legacy that you will pass on to your own children in years to come. You will always miss your parents but in time the pain will ease a bit and thoughts of them will bring a smile to your face.

Hugs,
Tracie
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Reply by NatR
17 Oct 2013, 3:26 PM

Dear Paula,

please feel free  to bring up whatever bothers you.  Whether it's business, grief, family issues, whatever, it's all part of who you are at this moment.

I am sorry you have spent so much time and energy to try and find a location that works, for the business, and find a way to keep your moms spirit alive within that business that she enjoyed being part of.

but, it seems like road blocks are in your way.  It seems like you have figured that out, that it's time to just let go - and I know, I feel, that losing, closing the store will feel like another loss for you.

am I right?
whether I am hitting the mark or not doesn't really matter.
what really matters is that you carry on, always with your moms memory close to you.

its okay to say, it's time for one door to close and another to open.

remember the essence and spirit of your mom will never be gone.  You are part of her:)
you are going to be okay, not sure when, not sure how, but it will unfold.

now, about holidays, birthdays, anniversaries etc.  wow, don't we all struggle to some extent with each of those things.  Personally, I can relate to you in those dates that keep coming, and the seeming joy and happiness all around us.  it's too much for me, I kind of float through holidays feeling a bit numb, feeling sadness, but somehow trying to find some way to make it a good day - for me, for whomever I meet.

what works for me isn't what works for others - but give yourself time.  It's just new loss, and therefore most painful.  But I can heat the strength, the courage, and the caring in you.

i am sending you a hug or two right now, and my thoughts that today you will be okay. 

Write whenever, write what you are feeling.  
Hugs and thoughts,
NatR 
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Reply by lilbear
18 Oct 2013, 5:43 PM

Boy, you hit the nail on the head! It does totally feel like another part of my Mom that I am losing. I just don't know how much more I can go through. 
I went to the store today, as usual, and at opening time I closed and left. I just couldn't face it today.  I went to the zoo and walked and spent some solitary time to just try to breathe.
I won't pretend that it cleared my head...but it was a necessary time out for me. Guess what? Normally,  it would have bothered me thinking a customer may show and I have disappointed them, but not today! I really didn't care! They are not traveling my journey!  I just need to continue reinforcing this in myself. 
I have one more avenue I am exploring regarding business....it's a different approach to the business and I wouldn't have to be front and center anymore (or at least not as much), and that is a studio/online type of idea. This idea excites me....as it would allow me the creative outlet I seek. However, I am trying to not allow  myself to get too excited again. If that hits a roadblock too, then it looks like I am just closing and coming home. I may start the website from home instead.
I may also just take a complete hiatus and try to let the path I am supposed to be on find me!
It is hard to be patient and allow yourself to just be. It is not something I am used to. Perhaps that is the message...
Thank you again...I don't know what I would do without you! 
Paula 
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Reply by marstin
18 Oct 2013, 6:09 PM

Hi Paula,

I just wanted to send you a quick message to give you a big hug for what you did today. It is huge to be able to walk away at times and just have your own space when you need it. I have learned on this journey that instead of beating yourself up for not being able to face things some days, that you take a deep breathe and say it's okay. I'll deal with it tomorrow. This is your life and it has to be on your terms for now as you find your way.

Hugs,
Tracie

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