Discussion Forums

Reply by JennJilks

10 Feb 2014, 2:02 AM

All of you are brilliant.
There are som many ideas.
I have referred a friend to this forum. Her niece is having such issues.

That said, I attended my ex-husband's funeral yesterday. Today I am caring mor my husband with cancer. We await pathology.
I have a great story for you.

My son, who has lost his father, is here. His fiance arrived the other day. Her mom paid for her flight out to support him. She was at the airport at 1:00 a.m. and contemplating taking a taxi to where he was staying, at his sister's house. They are both actors, with a limited income, we paid for HIS flight out here while his father was dying.
She was walking towards the taxi stand debating over the $45 taxi ride to their house, when she spotted a $50 bill on the ground. She debated it, realized there's be tax on it, and found a $5 bill.
She thought, as I did, that it was her late father giving her a donation and a message that she should take the taxi.
Listen to your loved ones who have passed over!

Report this post

Reply by NatR

10 Feb 2014, 2:09 AM

Jenn!
what a roller coaster you and your family are on.....
if that isn't a message from the other side, I don't know what is.
Take care of yourself, you have a very big plate in front of you
thank you for sharing that heartwarming story;)

hugs
NatR

Report this post

Reply by KathCull_admin

22 Feb 2014, 1:54 AM

Hi Paula
As I read your post, I was reminded of words from a song I heard in Newfoundland, "Grief is a knot that is hard to untie".

Those are wonderful words from your parents. I was reminded how important it is that I speak them to my daughter. Thank you.

How have the last few weeks been? Are you planning to or have you had an official opening of the new store?

Thinking of you Paula.
Take care
Katherine

Report this post

Reply by lilbear

03 Mar 2014, 3:00 PM

Hi,
Feeling the need to express my feelings today. I am feeling very lonely. It has been a rough weekend because I hurt my back and couldn't do anything, so maybe that is part of it. But, I am finding myself very sad today and even though I should call the chiropractor for an appointment, I just don't feel like seeing anyone. I certainly do not feel like "making nice". I just want to be alone....and at the same time I feel lonely. Does that even make any sense?
What makes it worse is that I really don't have any friends here to call and cry to. We moved here 3 years ago and before we could try to meet anyone...all hell broke loose in my life with my father's diagnosis and illness and the deaths of my Mom and Dad. The few people I have met, although nice, don't feel close enough. I hate these slumps.
This inner struggle of wanting to move on versus wanting to just sit and dwell is a rough one.
Once again, I just feel , like nobody in my life really understands. They seem more concerned with how it affects them when I am like this then how I am feeling. I am tired of everyone expecting me to do everything. What about me?! My favourite is " I am sorry you feel bad today or overwhelmed...but, could you do "this or that"? Not to add more stress, but if you could call, go to or do...." Ok, if you really don't want to add more stress to me...stop asking me. Phrasing it like that does not change anything! I feel as though I have lost my independence and strength. I feel like I am allowing people to tell me what to do and am just losing my fire. I need to fight again...but it seems so tiring.
This winter certainly hasn't helped anyone, I'm sure.
Thank you for letting me spill today....thanks for always being here.
Paula

Report this post

Reply by JennJilks

03 Mar 2014, 4:12 PM

You need not find excuses for saying NO.
You deserve to look after yourself.
Your feelings are not wrong. It is simply your current situation, which will change.

"No. I am not feeling up to it today." is the simple response.
Give yourself permission to heal.
Go for a walk. Put the phone on call answer.
Local hospices have bereavement groups, which might help you.

Once you feel able, and you can make choices, joining a group, hobby, club...?
After my parents died, I found volunteering helped me. I do not make friends easily, and find that working one-on-one with a client, to help a family in need, makes me feel better.
I volunteered in long-term care, and realized there are many people very badly off, who could use my time. I like to make people smile.
Kay Devlin

Report this post

Reply by marstin

03 Mar 2014, 6:21 PM

Hi Paula,

We barrel ahead in our lives but the inner child in us who wants to cry on someone's shoulder, goes unheard. The loneliness just amplifies when you have no one close to turn to. We are weak and often do not have the strength to reach out to someone. People seem so desensitized to other's grief and seem to want you to jump up, shake it off and get moving ahead. Does this sound familiar to you?

For myself I have found that the loneliness is one of the toughest things to deal with. My closest friends live at a distance, my family expects that I should be 'over' the grieving process and so I cannot turn to them at all because they seem to think that I am looking for attention and they make me feel like I'm having a pity party. It's a sad situation. The people that I thought I could lean on have deserted me long ago. No one knows that we struggle every day to put little pieces of ourselves back together and a harsh word or a look can send us spiraling into a deep depression.

I think that is why we are drawn to this forum. People truly do care and understand our emotions. There is no judgement here, only comfort and kindness. We can spill out everything that is going on in our minds and know that someone will reach out to give us a virtual hug. We are safe here.

Last week for me was one of the worst I have dealt with. I was in such a state of depression and so alone that I just didn't know if I could take another step. I happened to run into someone I knew and when they asked how I was, I couldn't help but be honest. They reached out and gave me a hug. What a welcome feeling that was. Each day after that I began to gain a little more strength but I will never forget how low I had fallen. We all need understanding at times like this and for people to realize that there is no time limit on grief. Many have not yet walked this road but the time will come when they will have to. It will be then that they will be able to see how painful it really is.

I go to a bi-weekly support group that helps a bit. It's the in between times that are tough. I've looked for groups to join that are able to help fill in the gaps but they are so scarce. I often wonder where do all of the lonely and broken people go? AA has support groups everywhere, everyday, at all hours. Why is there not places like that for people who have lost loved ones? It seems that we are expected to just move on. I guess that's what makes this forum so special. It's there for us 24 hours a day and although we cannot interact in person, at least we know that we have some support.

Today I send you a huge virtual hug and want you to know that you are not alone. We're here and we care about you.

Hugs,
Tracie

Report this post

Reply by lilbear

03 Mar 2014, 9:06 PM

Tracie,

You have captured it exactly. I want to scream and cry, but feel there is nobody to turn to. I don't want to feel a burden to others either or "bring them down". So, I just shuffle through and fight my feelings as best as I can. Then it catches up and I berate myself for not allowing the feelings to come out when I need them to.

I find it especially difficult when dealing with the business. Setting up the new place and my website is taking much longer then anticipated and I am getting upset b people emailling me, etc asking when I will be re-opening. I know I should be happy that they are anxious to come back...but instead I find it just one more stressor...to the point that I almost want to just throw in the towel completely and close up forever. It takes a lot of self talk to keep moving on.

I understand how everyone feels it is a good and healthy thing for my children to see me cry and grieve, but I hate them worrying about me. My 13 year old son trie to bottle up his feelings because he doesn't want to upset me.

I am so glad to touch base on this forum with you and others that "get" me. I am sorry you had a rough week last week. I think, perhaps, you were sent that person to hug you for a reason.

I hope you have a better wek. Thank you for caring. You are a wonderful person.

I am feeling your hug and squeezing you right back! You are not alone either.

Paula xo

Report this post

Reply by marstin

04 Mar 2014, 6:43 AM

Hi Paula,

I can well imagine how hard it must be to get your business back up and running. So many things that need to be attended to and a clear head to do it all. It's not always an easy task. It has to be very overwhelming some days.

For myself the mountain I have been climbing has been dealing with my mom's estate for over a year and trying to clear out my house to sell it. The estate business has been very difficult and finally being done with it last Friday, I started to feel somewhat relieved. Then today Canada Revenue started calling and now I have to deal with Len's debts with them and how I will repay what he owes. It seems like one mountain after the other and no time to be able to focus on healing.

My daughters are in their 20's and are so different in how they deal with their pain. The younger one is good at sharing how she is feeling but the older one is like your son and just stuffs it down. I have to admit that I rarely cry in front of them so maybe they take their cues from me. I don't know if it's a good thing or not but I feel like I have to try to stay strong for them. I want them to think that I have everything under control when in fact half the time I don't really know what I'm doing at all and it scares me. I guess in a sense it's how you probably feel about the new store. So much to know, so much to learn and a need to believe that it's all going to turn out alright. It just has to.

It's good to know that we are not alone in all of this and that we are doing the best that we can under the circustances.

I hope tomorrow finds you with a smile on your face and a little more strength to face the day.

Hugs,
Tracie

Report this post

Reply by lilbear

06 Apr 2014, 11:36 PM

Hello!

Well, I can hardly believe it, but this Tuesday marks the 1 year anniversary of my Father's death. I am not doing very well....

It seems some days I am honestly flooded with memories. Sometimes they come on in such rapid fire that I am just reeling from it. My head feels like it is just going to explode and I cannot begin to know how to cope.

I feel on the verge of completely breaking down often. I keep pushing through because I am afraid not to. I know I should allow myself to give into the feelings as everyone tells me that repeatedly, but I am tired of feeling sad and lost and I am afraid if I let myself go...I may not get back up.

I planned on opening my store back up this week, and now found out I need to have a wisdom tooth pulled on Wednesday, so I have no clue if I will be in any shape to do it. The thought of having my tooth pulled is causing me more anxiety then normal. My Mom probably would have gone with me, but now...I am alone. My husband has to work.

I feel so much more anxious about things now. That amazes me and I hate the feeling.

Paula

Report this post

Reply by marstin

07 Apr 2014, 1:58 AM

Hi Paula,

I know that you are so busy these days with trying to get the store ready but have you gotten any councelling? I know that here in BC it is free through the hospice society. The reason I ask is that it took me a full year to realize that I just couldn't do it alone anymore. I tried so hard to suck it up and carry on but it didn't work for me. I started out seeing a councellor one on one then was put into a group setting. This made a world of difference for me as I realized I wasn't alone and was able to share with other people. Having been part of that group for over 6 months now, I'm finally starting to feel human again. We tend to expect so much of ourselves and when you suffer two losses I think it takes much longer to heal. I've had many people tell me that I should be healed by now but we heal in our own time and it's hard to grieve for two people at the same time. It truly is. It seems to take much longer to process that they are gone and to figure out how to start to rebuild your life.

You've suffered a major blow by losing both of your parents and then having to make all of the decisions with the closing of the one store and opening a new one. One stress after the other. Sometime's we need a little help to make it through and it sounds like you are at that point now. You're not wonder woman although I know you try to be.Maybe even a mild anti-depressant would help a bit to take the edge off. Know that you have support here and understanding hearts.

Hugs,
Tracie

Report this post

Enter your email address (the one you used when you joined Canadian Virtual Hospice). We will email you a new password right away.

Email Address:

Become a Member

As a member of the Canadian Virtual Hospice, you can ask a question confidentially on Ask a Professional and contribute to the Discussion Forums. Join for free now to connect and share with others.

Discussion Forum members receive a monthly newsletter. You also have the option to sign up for the Canadian Virtual Hospice monthly newsletter.

Please fill in the information below.

Nickname:*

You will be known to other users only by your nickname. You do not need to reveal your identity by using your full name, real name or email address. Choose a nickname that is easy for you to remember.

Email Address:*

Your email will not be visible on the Virtual Hospice website. We will NOT sell, distribute or misuse your email address.

Password:*

Confirm Password:*

Country: