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Reply by Nikki99
29 Oct 2013, 1:36 AM

Thank you so much NatR and Tracie, your messages meant so much to me today. Although I had some tears, I really appreciated both of your messages. I had a rough day again today-seems like I am having a lot of those lately! Let's just say last week was rough and not off to a good start this week! Not only have I been dealing with worrying about my Mom, I am now worrying about my son. He is almost 16 months old and he came down with a fever on Thursday. It went away Saturday morning so we took him out to see my Mom. He was not himself all weekend and has been waking up a lot crying in the night and crying HARD. He developed this rash this morning sort of all over his body. He has a Dr's appt tomorrow and I am trying so hard not to stress too much. To top it all off, I came back to work this morning from being off since Tuesday and I found out a dear friend of mine's husband passed away on Saturday from cancer no less. It was a shock, we knew he was sick but I thought he was doing better than my Mom. This friend has sort of been a mother figure to me-we used to work together until she retired. I am wondering if this tragedy we are both going through will help us lean on each other. I am going to reach out to her in a couple of days to let her know I am here for her. I feel just awful for her and I think I realized that could have been my Mom so I had a few breakdowns at work today. I did go see a counselor today though, not sure if it helped but I am hoping it will. Thank you ladies so much for being a support to me. I appreciate it so much, sometimes I just feel so alone in this all.

Nikki
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Reply by marstin
31 Oct 2013, 1:57 AM

Hi Nikki,

Just wondered how things went with your son's doctor appointment. Hopefully it's something that will go away as fast as it came.

I have found on this journey that sometimes people are put in our lives for a reason. It might do both you and this friend of yours some good if you can reach out to each other at this time. Having someone who understands the emotions involved in all of this makes a huge difference in a person's life. One of my daughter's friends lost their dad to cancer just before my husband lost his battle and my other daughters friend lost her stepdad soon after. to cancer They have all been able to support each other through the grieving process and just having someone who truly gets it makes such a difference.

You will find that your emotions are going to be all over the place and you will be super sensitive to people. Small things can cause the tears to flow. It's all part of the process and hopefully you can find even one person that will be your light in the storm. It is a difficult journey to travel alone. I'm glad that you went to see a counselor. Just to be able to vent to someone makes a world of difference. For myself, it took me a year before I could push myself in to get councelling. We all dance to a different drum so for me the timing was right. For many others it helps to get help before and after to be able to make it through. It's a personal thing.

Hugs,
Tracie
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Reply by Nikki99
31 Oct 2013, 2:08 AM

Hi Tracie,

Thanks for checking in. Things with the Dr went ok, it seems like my son is getting back to his old self and his rash is going away. I am relieved. It seems like it is just a virus.  I am happy he will be well enough to go out for Halloween tomorrow. It's been one thing I have actually been looking forward to.

You're right, it does help to have someone who understands what you are going through. This is why I joined a support group because it's something I truly needed, I am definitely going to be leaning on my friend. I just need to let her grieve first. I told her she can lean on me too. You know it's funny in a way because the first thing she said to me was, Oh Nikki, I am so worried about you. She worried about how I would handle the news as she knew how fragile I am. She is such a sweet person and so caring like that. I am very lucky to have her in my life. I just hope this brings us closer because I know she has her own family. I hate thinking like that but I know I have ppl around me to support me and who care but at the end of the day I think I will still feel alone. How do I get over that feeling of lonliness? Is something wrong with me for constanlty feeling this way? It's not like I am truly alone and have no one....I just can't explain this feeling. How long has it been since you lost your husband Tracie? How old was your daughter? I feel like I should know more about you when you have been such a great listener. Thank you and take care.

Nikki
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Reply by marstin
31 Oct 2013, 3:29 AM

Hi Nikki,

I'm so glad that your little guy can go out for Halloween. It is such a fun night for little ones and such a joy to watch their excited faces.

I'm also in a support group now. The power of many voices sharing their raw emotions makes it a little easier to bear. This whole thing is such a learning experience and although a painful one, it seems we all come out the other side of it with so much more compassion and understanding for one another. We all find our new normal somehow. Your friend will be a great person to have by your side as you move along. The fact that you're losing your closest person is why you feel so lonely. You have always been able to turn to her when things go wrong and now you can't. No matter how many people you have in your life, mom's are so magical. Just ask your son when he gets older.

Well, my story is like a movie that you would go to see and come out saying, 'That wouldn't happen in real life'. Actually, my oldest daughter was given a similar script in an acting class soon after her dad passed away and the kids were all laughing about how things like that never happen. She never said a word. Len passed away 15 months ago on what was to be our wedding day. We had been together for 23 years. The follosing day the stress of it put my mom in the hospital and she passed away 7 1/2 weeks later. Both of my best friends gone in the blink of an eye. My mom and I were together daily so it was incredibly difficult. My daughters were 20 & 22 at the time. It has been a very difficult time for them but they have tried to stay strong and keep going to work and college. We also have to sell our home which adds more stress to their lives. We're all making it, one day at a time and not without so many mixed emotions. My brother is incapable of stepping up to help me with anything so I have tried to muddle through everything pretty much on my own. I've been a stay at home mom for many years so I don't have friends to lean on except ones at a distance.

One thing I have found is a strength that I never knew existed. You will find that fire within yourself as you struggle along although your pain and your tears will at times try to dampen your soul. You will make it through this and you now have an army of people here that will walk this road with you and give you as much support as we possibly can.

Hugs,
Tracie

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Reply by Nikki99
01 Nov 2013, 2:06 AM

Hi Tracie,

Oh my gosh, that is just too much heart ache, I am so, so sorry :( I am so glad that you have your daughters in your life and I hope they are able to support you. They say, you are never given more than you can handle, I think that's a load of bull. What else can you do but handle it?! I am so very sorry you had to go through all that, you sound like such a strong woman.

One thing I think that also scares me and has left me hopeless is, I used to believe in afterlife, like our loved ones spirits are still around us. But I don't know if I even believe it anymore and that part makes me feel hopeless because then I feel I will have absolutely nothing left of my Mom.

I have to say, today was one of the better days I have had in a while. It's been almost 2 weeks of awfulness but today was not bad. My little guy had a great time Trick or Treating, even though he probably didn't understand but it brought a lot of smiles and  laughs. My Mom is talking about Christmas already and how they bought all this stuff and how they are going to set things up and how it's going to be special. I I am the type of person who has already started their Christmas shopping and I just get so excited but honestly I feel like I can't even think about it. In a way I am dreading it and I hate that I am feeling that way because it's my favorite but I am so scared that my Mom might not even make it  or I know this will be the last Christmas with her there. It's hard to think like that but it's always there at the back of my mind.

Nikki
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Reply by marstin
02 Nov 2013, 6:07 PM

Hi Nikki,

Thank you for your kind words. I think we all find a strength within ourselves that we didn't know existed because we have no other option. I marvel at how my daughter's struggle through their own pain and yet keep moving ahead one step at a time. I think that's the key to getting through things like this, baby steps and being gentle with yourself. I found that when I would beat myself up for not getting things done in a timely matter that it only made me feel worse. When I face an obstacle now that I sometimes can't find it in me to deal with, I shrug my shoulders and say 'There's always tomorrow' and walk away from it that day.

Myself and my youngest daughter are 'spiritual types' while my oldest doesn't want to deal with things like that. I totally believe that our loved ones come to visit us and have had many experiences that lead me to that belief. Although my oldest doesn't want to believe in that, she has had feelings of someone stroking her arm or her hair which scared the heck out of her. In early days, we even witnessed our dog playing with someone in the middle of the night. She was Len's little girl. Don't give up that belief. It doesn't happen instantly when a loved one passes away, it does take a little time but if you are receptive to it, I think that it will come. This belief has helped me in so many ways.

I'm so glad you had fun on Halloween. We didn't get many kids at our house but the little ones were so adorable. One of them even barked back at our dog. Lol!

Throw yourself into the Christmas mode as best you can. If your mom is excited about it then try to stay upbeat for her sake. None of us have a crystal ball that we can foresee the future and I guess in some ways that's a good thing. I know that the last Christmas that we had with Len and my mom had me a little worried. Len was just beginning to show signs of being ill and my mom really didn't seem to be her usual self. Something inside of me warned me that the next Christmas wouldn't be so happy. I pushed to have a family photo done, my mom had wanted that so badly, and although the photo's didn't turn out so great at least we got them done. My mom always loved Christmas so much and I worked doubly hard to make it a good one for her.

Please try not to look too far ahead. Just take each day as it comes and enjoy the time that you have. If you burden yourself with worrying about the future you will take away from what you have right now.

Hugs,
Tracie
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Reply by marstin
12 Nov 2013, 5:44 AM

Hi Nikki,

Just wondering how you are doing and thought I'd check up on you. I hope things are okay.

Hugs,
Tracie
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Reply by Nikki99
15 Nov 2013, 2:38 AM

Hi Tracie,

Thanks for checking in on me. I am doing alright-was doing not too bad last week actually, my Mom seemed to be doing ok and was planning on going on a little road trip but then she had a rough couple of days and had to cancel so I started feeling down again. It's such an emotional roller coaster. Her and my step Dad are decorating already for Christmas. I haven't even started shopping and I keep procrastinating it and I have to say, I am wondering when I will get it all done. It's so hard keeping up with everything, I feel like my life is so hectic. Between taking care of my son, running around in the evenings before his bed time and then every Saturday we spend the whole day with my Mom, I feel like I have no time for so many things. I actually left work early today and went shopping. It was nice. I need more days like that. I feel very stressed lately too because I feel like my husband is not very supportive of what is going on and I feel like we argue so much about everything and anything. I honestly don't need it and you would think he would back off a bit with everything I am going through but no he just does NOT get it. It pisses me off. Thanks for listening.

Nikki
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Reply by marstin
15 Nov 2013, 6:49 AM

Hi Nikki,

I can certainly understand how stressed you must feel. I remember when Len was in his final stages of cancer and my Mom was showing signs of something being majorly wrong with her. I had to try to do a juggling act of getting her to appointments, take her for groceries, then race home to make sure that Len got his medication on time. It was difficult to find a few minutes of 'me' time. This truly is the key to keeping your sanity. Even if it consists of taking a hot bubble bath after you've put your son to bed, you need some time for yourself. You proved it today just by taking off from work early and going shopping. You will burn out if you keep going a hundred miles an hour.

The arguing with your husband and the lack of support is something I have heard before from people on this site. I can only guess that he is worried about the changes in you as you deal with what's going on and that he has no idea on how to fix it. While we tend to be vocal about our emotions, most guys are good at being 'the rock' but not the best at communicating what they are feeling. It could just be that he is worrying about you but not able to find a way to let you know. You are after all much more sensitive right now and rightly so.

Hopefully your Mom can find another time soon to take a little road trip. It sounds like it's something she really wants to do. It's good that she is getting so excited about Christmas. Focusing on the holidays must bring her happiness at such an uncertain time. If the opportunity arises, maybe take some cute photo's with her in them so that in years to come, you can look at them and remember her love of Christmas and share that with your son.

I hope tomorrow brings you some happy moments and remember we are always here when you need to vent.

Hugs to you,
Tracie
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Reply by Nikki99
20 Nov 2013, 2:58 PM

Well I think the stress has caught up with me and the racing around. I have been fighting something this week and today I woke up and felt crappy and just felt like staying in bed so called in sick. I want to make sure I am better for tomorrow because I am going to be spending a couple of days with my Mom and I really do not want to get her sick.

So I don't want to jinx myself but things have actually been doing alright lately. My Mom has been doing alright and I get to spend some extra time with her this week - we are going to go play bingo together! :) I am feeling not too bad these days-minus coming down with this cold! My Mom has even gotten me thinking about Christmas and made me a little more in the mood. I am hoping this can last a little while. It's nice to have more good days then bad days.

Thanks for always listening Tracie and checking on me. Your daughter's are so lucky to have a wonderful mother! :)
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