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My love of my life is gone!!!! 
Started by sickness
03 Nov 2013, 11:46 PM
On Thursday, October 31st, my dear sweet husband lost his 13 heroic year battle with cancer! 
Oh My God!!!   How am I ever going to move on!  Our two children ages18 and 16 watch me like a hawk.... If I cry they cry,...if I try and be strong they do too!   How do I deal with all the emotions inside me yet be strong and there for my hubby's precious children!!!?? 
I have a great support of friends and family that have constantly been there for me at home, in hospital and now!   But why do I feel like a schmuck and not want to talk to anybody?
i just want to go into a corner and cry, cry and cry!    
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Reply by moderator | modératrice
04 Nov 2013, 1:17 AM
My dear sickness,

My heart goes out to you. You've been ripped apart. Don't you worry for one split second about being a schmuck. You don't have to want to talk to anybody. The river is yours to cry right now and everyone understands that I'm sure. They will stick by you. You just need to do and feel how you want to react and feel.

Thank you for taking a minute to write to us. We're here whenever you need us or just want to scream through typing.

Colleen 
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Reply by Brayden
04 Nov 2013, 1:50 AM
Dear Sickness,
I feel the pain that you express and it is so normal for someone like you to feel the way you feel. You did have 13 years together and all the planning for this dreaded outcome did not prepare you for the finality of his passing. As Colleen said, you should feel free to do all the crying you need to do as he was your husband and nobody elses. You will journey through the grieving process the way that you need to and not how others would like you to go. Do not put unnecessary pressure on yourself now. Enjoy your family and friends to the extent possible. Please keep in touch here and others will also encourage you at every turn.
Brayden
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Reply by marstin
04 Nov 2013, 2:28 AM
Hi Sickness,

I'm sorry to hear of your loss. As prepared as we think we are, when the time comes it tears the heart out of us. Your children are probably so frightened right now as they grapple with losing their dad and watching their mom come unravelled. It a tough situation when they need your support and it takes everything you've got to just keep yourself going. My children aren't quite as young as yours but I remember them taking their cue from me and wanting to be strong. Even now, a year later they watch me closely and worry that something will happen to me. I think all that you can do for them at this time is be honest about how painful this is for you too but that you will stick together and make it through. Your pain is so raw and confusing and it is extremely difficult to find the strength to console them but as a team you will move ahead just one little step at a time. Kids take their lead from you and although they have watched you try to be strong it is okay to let them know that you are as vulnerable as them.

It's also okay to want to be on your own. Although people mean well by being around you all of the time, you also need your alone time to deal with your emotions. It's a time of selfishness so don't beat yourself up for it. It's you going through this hell, not them.

Know that we are here for you anytime you want to lean on someone and will do our best to be supportive.

Many hugs to you,
Tracie
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Reply by NatR
04 Nov 2013, 3:05 AM
Dear sickness,

I send you my sympathies in your loss.  It's a scary place you are in right now, and you must feel out of control of things.  

Everyone has has already given you  good advice.  Feel the feelings, don't expect your life to right itself overnight

your loss, your children's loss is real and so difficult
nothing matters it seems, but you have friends here to reply, to listen, so hang onto that connection, don't try and do it all yourself.

best wishes, and from one who has survived loss, you will always honour and remember your husband, you will come out the other side.  Give yourself permission to grieve.
sending a hug,
NatR 
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Reply by sickness
05 Nov 2013, 8:41 AM
Thank you all so much for those encouraging words!
angry......very angry....that is how I am feeling.... This evening my daughter tells me that I am not helping her through this difficult time!   WHAT...EXCUSE ME.... I think to myself. And say what do you mean..she then goes on and says that sometimes I actually scare her!   REALLY!.... She says this happens when I hit things or just scream!  Man I am soo stupid!   I need to watch my actions....how pathetic of me to think that being angry will actually help the situation!  
The service is this Thursday....and with all the arrangements,etc.....I really gave to remember to pay EXTRA attention to the kids!   Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!  
I really don't think that I will be strong enough to do this!   What the heck am I going to do?
i miss him soooo much! 
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Reply by marstin
05 Nov 2013, 3:43 PM
Hi sickness,

Anger was a tough one for me and still is. Trying to explain yourself to your kids when you feel so out of control and in so much pain. I remember trying to explain to my children how different it was for me than for them and met with outrage. Your grief is so different that theirs. You have lost your soul mate, the person you shared everything with, the person that you planned your future with, your best friend. You now have to take charge of everything without the love and support that you have depended on for so many years and make every decision alone. This doesn't minimalize the pain that they are going through, just that it is a different pain. They still have a future where they will find love and start their own families whereas your future plans have been wiped out and you have to start to rebuild a life without your partner. Since they have yet to understand the relationship between husband and wife they truly can't know what it feels like nor can they be expected to. It's a tough one. My kids still beat me up for not knowing all of the answers to things but I'm doing the best that I can and that's all that I can do.

Pulling it all together to do a service and deal with lots of people isn't easy. You will make it through all of this, although it will be difficult.  Just remember to breathe and take it one step at a time. Try not to look too far forward and just live in the moment.

Know that we will all be here to support you with love and understanding.

Hugs,
Tracie
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Reply by moderator | modératrice
13 Nov 2013, 2:33 AM
How are you doing sickness? I just thought I'd send a quick note to let you know we're thinking of you.
Colleen 
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