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So very sad

Started by sadlou

20 May 2014, 3:58 PM

I lost my best friend, the love of my life, my husband 11 weeks ago and my heart is broken. I am no longer a wife, no longer a caregiver, i am just alone. I do have some support but life goes on for everyone and iIam left to deal with my sorrow and tears alone. Everyone says time will heal, for me it sure does not feel like it. Cancer came into our lives uninvited 3 plus years ago. it took so much from us, our hopes our dreams but mostly our time with each other. I just need to be able to talk.......i do see a counsellor bi weekly, it does help for the moment . thank you for listening.

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Reply by KathCull_admin

20 May 2014, 5:12 PM

Hello
Welcome to our community Sadlou. I hope you will find the support from our caring members will help you feel less alone and a place where you can talk. Only 11 weeks - your loss is very new.What a great loss - friend, companion, lover, husband.

Paige96 started the thread i've lost my husband and have no idea how to deal with it... after the death of her husband. On that thread you will meet Paige96, Marstin, NatR, JennJilks, Xenia, Carolync and Phoebe. You might also find the article on the Virtual Hospice Grief Work helpful.

It sounds like it has been good for you to see a counselor. Do you have family and friends close by Sadlou?

Katherine

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Reply by sadlou

21 May 2014, 3:49 AM

Thank you for your reply...I so very need to have place where I feel I can get the support I need. As I am new to your site I am not sure how to reply to the connections you suggested.....some of the posts have been a while so not sure if is an active discussion.

I tried once again tonite to go to the "surviving" widowhood tonite...just could not go...I so am afraid of falling apart and then having to come home to an empty house. The group is from 7 to 9 PM.. I struggle with my decision.....

I do have friends...my husband's family are not really there for me....shame on them... My late husband would be so very unhappy with them.....

This the most awful time iin mylife...not sure how to deal with the new me and not we...I don't like it but this is not something I chose or can change .

feeling so very sad....Lou

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Reply by marstin

21 May 2014, 5:20 AM

Hi Lou,

You have come to the right place to share your pain. I arrived here over a year ago, broken like you having lost my partner and my Mom within weeks of each other. I had nowhere to turn except my daughters and they were going though their own pain and too young to unload on. This forum helps bring such peace of mind as we all share our stories of loss and sadness. We lean on each other and find comfort in doing this and in time can reach out and help others on their journey.

Becoming a widow is extremely difficult. When you're used to sharing everything with that one person and having them there to support you through any of life's challenges, you feel like you have lost a part of yourself. In a sense you have. I think it's very hard for others to grasp what a terrible feeling it is to suddenly become so alone. You watch other people go on with their daily lives as though nothing has happened while your entire world as you knew it has fallen apart. Picking up the pieces takes time, so much time. It's hard to remember who you were before you met your partner and even if you could, you are not that person anymore. You have changed so much.

I found that my family members were far from supportive and I had very few friends close by. This forum saved my sanity. The people here are kind, gentle souls and you can safely vent without judgement. I think you will know when you are ready for the widow's group. It took me a very long time before I felt I could share my pain in a group setting. I have just finished my sessions and they were so good for me. I think all of the other people there felt the same way. It all has to happen in your own time, there is no rush. Your loss is still so new that you probably haven't truly begun to process what it happening to you.

I hope you continue to share with us. We will do our best to help you through this.

Hugs,
Tracie

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Reply by sadlou

21 May 2014, 8:23 PM

HI Tracie,

Thank you for you words of understanding and "Hug". I miss that so very much the hugs.........

I am off to my counsellor shortly and have many questions on how to deal with certain situations.

I feel like I have been running away from my reality. I manage to keep busy through the day, evening are painful and the weekends are the worse...so I go visit friends that live in other parts of the province, lucky to have them. I don't have to explain to these friends how I feel...they see my pain but what is worse than staying is coming back to an emply house.
May 12 would have been our 24th wedding anniversary, together 27 years, we always made a big fuss and celebrated as we always said it took us so long to find each other and we made a wonderful life together with our daughter. My heart aches so very much. He was the most gentle man.

I am 58 and a widow... I can hardly type the word becasue sometimes I think I will wake up from this nightmare and it will not be true...I only wish, I been having this wish for 31/2 years....just a differant nightmare now.

As I sit hear I know I am rambling, that is where my mind is...no focus. For the years my husband was sick, he was what I focussed on.

How unfair life can be...he was a great husband, father, son, brother, friend but most of all a good man.

Thank you for taking the time to read my post.

Lou

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Reply by marstin

21 May 2014, 9:00 PM

Hi Lou,

Like you I am 58 years old although I will hit that 59 next month. Len and I were together 23 years. His illness was 6 months from beginning to end and we never believed that cancer would take him. His positive outlook made us believe he would beat it. No matter whether you think you are prepared or not for the outcome, you never really are. Like your husband, Len was such a good, kind man and him losing the battle seemed so wrong.

Your lack of focus is not uncommon nor is forgetting where you put something or what you were going to do. You're not losing your mind, you are grieving. This is so new for you and I have to admit that it took me a very long time, well over a year, to start to clear my head a little bit. My daughters tell me that I don't pay attention but I think that losing your partner takes a very long time to accept and work past the pain. We all have to find our own way and adjust to not being half of a couple. When I first started looking for a place to vent, all I could find were places for seniors (not there yet) or young widow's. When I came across this site I couldn't believe how quickly people reached out and how understanding they were. I have made many friends on here and although we are all at a distance from each other, it doesn't mean any less to be able to get comfort when you need it.

I hear you about the hugs. I miss that so much too. I still close my eyes sometimes and imagine Len's voice and him giving me a great big hug. I miss knowing how deeply loved I was and the security in that. This grieving process is like a roller coaster. One minute you think that you will be okay, then the next minute you feel shattered. We can reason that it is part of the process but it doesn't make it any less painful.

Does your daughter live with you? Mine at 22 & 24 are still with me. They still look to me for direction in things and sometimes I just don't have the answers. Len was good at that, not me. Together we were a perfect balance.

I hope that wherever you live, that the sun is shining. Here on the west coast it's a mixed bag day but mostly sunny. I find that the brighter days help a little.

Hugs,
Tracie

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Reply by Brayden

21 May 2014, 11:11 PM

Dear Lou,

So good to read your posts here and want you to encourage you to keep it up. You can ramble or say just how you feel without being judged here. Grieving is such a hard journay because we have selfdom experienced it before and it is such a personal thing. No two people experience the same thing as our relationships are all different. You have already received such supportive comments. I would like to add that as difficult as it is, you should try to ensure that you give yourself lots of self-care. Long walks, massages, or whatever hobbies you may have had. I hope you have a good relationship with your daughter, which could be a help. You may also focus on only one or two good friends that you can trust and share honestly with. Never feel guilty when you do not feel ready to do whatever, in time you will be able to make yourself move forward. As you have implied, you are going to develope into a new you. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Brayden

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Reply by sadlou

22 May 2014, 2:22 AM

Hi Tracie and Brayden ,

Thank you you for your words of support.

I have a great relationship with my daughter and her husband but unfortunately their careers have taken then to another province. I live in BC and they live in Alberta. We talk often and visit as much as possible .

I agree that the brighter weather gives me a brighter outlook on "life" such as it is. I told my counsellor today I was "running away"from my reality but she said to think of it as "moving on" and that all my tears, fears.......are a part of this awful process of grieving.

My husband Doug was positive to the end. He had brain cancer and to see the man you love slip away just broke my heart. He never thought he was going to die, he always had hope.

Although I knew the reality of his cancer we had enough time to sell our beautiful home and downsize sell our boat that was his love. We travelled as much as we could and I always made sure we had something to look forward each month until the last six months when he became weaker and weaker.

i am still on a leave from my job and right now going back to work is not something I can deal with.

As my concentration is not great my hobbies are few but I do walk daily, with or without company.

I take one day at a time...sometimes one hour at a time and know that tomorrow is a new day.

To to a brighter tomorrow,
Lou

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Reply by marstin

23 May 2014, 5:13 PM

Hi Lou,

I'm glad that you have such a bond with your daughter even though she is miles away. I have one friend that lives out of town who has been the greatest support for me even though we can't see each other. It is a crucial part of going through this.

It sounds like you enjoyed every moment that you possibly could with Doug and those memories can never be taken away from you. In time, the happy ones will help overcome the more painful ones or at least take some of the sting out of them.

We all deal with grief in our own way and in our own time and I think that you will know when the time is right to go back to work. This is a time for self care. Finding something to do each day is a huge part of healing. I developed a love of working in the garden and it brought me so much calm. Getting out of the house is really important for your state of mind and walking is a soothing thing.

Hugs,
Tracie

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Reply by sadlou

24 May 2014, 2:37 AM

Hi,
Here I am alone.....
Friday nite and the weekend is most difficult. I try and keep busy throughout the week, friends are "available" and then the weekend comes and family commitments arrive.....like we used to have.. this is so hard as Friday nite Doug and I enjoyed the end of our work week...enjoyed our evening and then the weekend we were busy with "stuff" or not.

i know there is allot in my life to be thankful for and I am but I just miss the life we had. How to deal with the sadness....tears.....fears...... I only want a wonderful life I knew but also know that cannot be.

My favourite quote is: to be loved is one thing, to have loved is another but to be loved by the one you love is everything.....I had that and missing is so very much.

wishing the weekend was over

lou

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