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Reply by marstin

24 May 2014, 4:37 AM

Hi lou,

It's hard to deal with all of the changes in your life. I love your quote, it is so true. As I told my brother one time, 'You go home and your life is exactly as it's always been. I go home and my whole world has changed'. Your life is upside down right now. Where once you could share your cares and concerns with your husband, there is only silence. It's truly difficult to go from being the other half of someone to being solo. I'm still learning how to deal with that but getting better at it. I'm starting to adapt to my new normal but it isn't easy. I found that just getting out and talking to people helped a bit whether it was just going to the grocery store or wandering around the mall. Anything to be around people so that I didn't have to think too much. Do you have someone you could call on a Friday night to keep the silence away? I know that people tend to have such busy lives and it is hard to find someone on the weekends in particular to help fill that void. You're not used to being on your own and it's hard to adapt to.

This is a tough road to walk but just know that you are not alone. There are many of us who are a little further ahead than you that understand how difficult this is.

Hugs,
Tracie

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Reply by NatR

25 May 2014, 5:04 PM

Dear Lou,

welcome me to the forum and my sympathies to you in your very recent loss of your husband and soul mate.

i see you have met some wonderful people already - they have experience on both sides of loss and grief - I have lost both parents - my mom just a year ago -also a brother - and I deal with feelings of grief and loss as well....

you you will find that being able to just type a note at any hour of the day or night will help a lot.
here you can say it all- be angry, be sad , and slowly but surely you will feel the support from a distance by real people who know in some form - what your journey is like.

tracie had such encouragement for you. I have come to feel a friendship with Tracie, Brayden, and so many others here who answer questions and make comment with such kindness!

i hope that it helps to talk here with us all- and step by step you will find your way.

its so hard to lose your soulmate and from your note it sounds like you had an incredible bond and love - not to mention friendship

we all do recovery and grieving in our own way - regardless of who we lost, and each of us are unique! We have no deadlines to meet, we just take each day as it comes

the loneliness and coming home to an empty house is very hard. Be kind to yourself and continue to take care of you - ;) keep in touch - daily or weekly or hourly - someone will reply and hear you -

that is the gift of the forum.. Safety, empathy and sometimes even humour, although at this point you can't laugh - you will be surprised at the feeling of a load lifted
it's very true what they say - shared burdens are lighter!

Sending you a virtual hug from Ontario and thinking of you tiday
best wishes.
NatR

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Reply by Digger

26 May 2014, 2:40 PM

Welcome Lou,

The line from your first post, I am no longer a wife, no longer a caregiver, got me thinking about one of the biggest challenges that come up with the loss of a partner - identity. Who am I now that he or she is gone?

The question comes up at the oddest times, like a Friday night. I will have the glass of wine alone but i am going to pour the other one for you.

I don't want to dishonor your loss or your relationship with your partner but here is what i saw in a grief group I once co-facilitated. The people in the group, and they were mostly woman, were in long term relationships. Many of the sentiments expressed related to identity - who am I now. Those with children, leaned on them. The childless ones felt even more alone.

I felt companssion for their loss but I had to ask myself about relationships that caused one or both to lose sight of themselves as individuals. Is it normal not to know who you are when your partner dies - a question i asked myself.

The pain of grieving has many dimensions and we don't examine them all. At some point, when things aren't so raw, there are questions worth exploring. Maybe this is one: Who were you before this relationship came to be?

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Reply by sadlou

26 May 2014, 5:16 PM

Hi,
Wow....remember who I was before this relationship came to be.... I will never be that person again. I was and still am...a daughter, mother, sister, aunt, colleague and friend.
I have lost my Dad, a bother, a sister and friends in the time we were together, all those losses were life changing, making me a "differant" person but losing a husband who you love so dearly does not compare to any other life changing events I have experienced. A new me will "evolve" in time. I have never lost sight of my self as and individual. Being ia wife to Doug was something I was VERY proud to say I was.

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Reply by marstin

26 May 2014, 5:45 PM

Hi,

I hear what digger is saying and I have along this journey tried to remember who I was before all of this. I have lost both of my parents, my boyfriend 30 years ago due to mental illness/suicide, my best friend when I was in my early 20's but I have to agree that this is so very different. I believe that having built a life with our husbands, we changed in many ways as we intertwined our lives together and became one. Going forward we may find parts of ourselves that we forgot existed but much of it just doesn't really matter anymore. Finding our new identity is the most difficult part. I have found that people sometimes try to force me to get past things and I feel myself bristle. This is my journey! No, I'm not ready to take my rings off. They are a huge part of me and truthfully I find that they are still a part of me. A friend of mine the other night tried to 'challenge' me (her word) to do something that I didn't want to do and I just laughed. Every day is a challenge and those who haven't walked this road often don't realize how deeply this affects us. Moving forward is a challenge in itself.

I believe that in time we will adjust to our new lives but it will take time, patience with ourselves, and the knowledge that we will never be the same again.

Hugs,
Tracie

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Reply by KathCull_admin

26 May 2014, 7:41 PM

Hello everyone,
Lou, I have often felt that weekends are the loneliest two days in the week. It doesn't matter that we can do pretty well the same thing on Sat and Sun what we have done the previous 5 days - those days have a sadder kind of feeling when we feel and are alone. I am glad you have friends who welcome you and who don't need explanations.

Digger, it sounds as though you have experienced lonliness too. Your question is an interesting one for me - have you come to an answer for yourself - or is it a work in progress?

Tracy I appreciate the reminder that the changes grief brings take time to adjust to and we need to be patient with ourselves and others.

Take care all of you (NatR and Brayden included:)
Katherine

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Reply by sadlou

11 Jun 2014, 3:07 AM

Thank you for your insight. I have been "running" away...my words, my counsellor says I are moving forward. I sure don't feel like I am moving forward. I went on a road trip for a few weeks, visiting friends around the province. it was great to catch up With everyone.....then I had to come back...it was time. It is so very hard to come back to a house that was filled with love,someone to share my adventures with.. now just the silence. My heart is heavy, it was our wedding anniversary on May 12th, my birthday last week, all the things that we loved to make a fuss over. Being without Doug is just so sad, I miss him so very much. I had hoped that the coming back would be easier this time but it is not. I am rambling on.....feeling like I need to go away again and I know that is not the answer. Any suggestions on how to cope with the empty feeling.

sadlou

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Reply by marstin

11 Jun 2014, 5:41 AM

Hi,

All of the 1st's are very difficult. Happy belated birthday. I remember going on a short trip about 6 months after Len passed away. It was good to be with caring friends but on the way home it hit me like a ton of bricks. I had no one to share the adventure with. It was such a frightening feeling that it has stuck with me. The only thing I found that brought me any comfort was to sleep with a light on and the tv too. I couldn't stand the silence. Often I would find myself up wandering in the middle of the night and I would sit down at the computer and pour my heart out in letters to myself or to Len or my Mom. Once I found this forum, this is where I would turn to. Nothing that pours out is too insignifigant or crazy ( I know sometime's it feels like you're losing your mind), it all makes sense to those who have travelled this road. Wanting to escape this reality makes a person want to run away yet we know that we can't really get away from it all. Keep talking and we will help you as best as we can.

Hugs,
Tracie

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Reply by KathCull_admin

25 Jun 2014, 2:42 PM

Hello,

Lou, that empty feeling - must have been especially hard at those times in the last month that are usually celebrations. Sometimes we need to hear from others, like your counsellor, that we are indeed moving ahead - doesn't always feel like it I am sure. How have the last few weeks been for you Lou?

Everyone,
A new member, Missie joined the community yesterday on having hard time dealing with boyfriend gone.. . Would you consider responding to her post. As her thread says, it's a hard time for her.

Thanks
Katherine

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Reply by missie

25 Jun 2014, 3:48 PM

Hi Sadlou, just read your posts, and read myself in them. My boyfriend passed last week,
and my situation is very similar to yours. Cancer too. It was a long tortuous several months. How are you getting along now? I see your posts dated around end of May, so
it hasnt been long. It IS a very very lonely feeling, and all we can do is try to keep one
foot in front of the other. Everyone says, "Anything we can do, anything, let us know" but
at the end of the day, you don't like to feel like you're burdening anybody. I do have a
dog which really helps, but he sees me being so depressed that he just lays there looking
at me all the time. I also can't work right now, but you're right, at least the sunshine outside is sure a lot better than if it was dark,rainy and cloudy. I live in BC as well.
I hate when the night comes.
Wondering how you are doing, and if you have been doing any coping methods?

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