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Loss of Mom 
Started by HopeG
04 Jul 2014, 6:18 AM

Hi there
i lost my mom about 5 weeks ago.  She was my rock and best friend and it was shocking and traumatic.  I thought that I was doing ok but am so sad now...so down and between stress at work and home and this on top, it feels overwhelming.  Has anyone gone through this and come out the other side with some words of advice?  I have good family and friends but not like her.  I feel so alone.  I can't imagine not having her for the rests of my life.  Thanks, hope 
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Reply by KathCull_admin
04 Jul 2014, 4:30 PM

Dear HopeG
Welcome to our community. My sincere sympathy to you in the loss of your mom. This is a safe, place with supportive members to talk with about your sadness and loneliness.  

Others like Highlanddancer40 who posted to Another Loss or Embee, who posted on Gone 6 months and I still feel empty and Lilbear who posted on Will I ever really get my mojo back?  have experienced the death of a beloved parent.

Grief is hard work – I have heard many people say, like you, that they are ‘fine’ but about 2-3 months after the loss the reality of what has happened seems to sink in and it can feel overwhelming. You might find this article helpful – Grief Work.

Are there people in your home and community who are able to support you HopeG?

Katherine

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Reply by GirlWithTheBlackBeret
04 Jul 2014, 5:32 PM

Hi HopeG,

I'm sorry to hear about your Mom.  I too lost my Mom about 7 years ago.

its completely normal to feel overwhelmed.

What I can tell you is that it's going to take to heal your broken heart. Everyone greieves differently and it takes different amounts if time for people to come to terms with such a loss. It's an individualized journey, don't worry about following a prescribed timeline or process. 

Hope this helps,
GWTBB
 
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Reply by AdoptedSon
06 Jul 2014, 4:21 AM

Hi HopeG

I can relate totally to what you are saying and feeling. My Mom recently passed away, just the end of last November, then before Christmas our best friend suddenly passed away.

As you say, I thought I was doing well, had come to terms with the loss, but honestly, things are harder now. It is like walking through an endless maze, of regrets, of loss, that somehow won't go away.  

They say it does, over time, I don't know how true that is, but I hope it is. All you can try to do, least what I try, is to think of the good things we did together, of the way she would smile at me, or laugh.  I try to remember she wouldn't want me to be sad, and while I am devastated by it all, there are a few more moments, each day, that are better than the one before.

Seven months seems like a small time, and maybe there is worse moments ahead, though I don't know how there could be, but thankfully my partner is there, and, for me, when it gets really bad, having him there somehow manages to keep the flood of tears down a bit.

I hope that you too, will find a way to help keep those demons at bay, to accept that life is different, but it doesn't have to be all gloom.  Has taken me a long time, it seems, to believe that, for at least a few more minutes, each passing day.

Good Luck
Ian 
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Reply by HopeG
06 Jul 2014, 11:44 AM

Hi Ian.  Thank you. For those words.  I am really glad to hear your memories and the love from your partner has helped you.  Can I ask how your Mom passed away?  It's amazing the emotions I go through.  My Mom passed from a horrible lung disease and i was there at the specialist when she got her approximate 4 month prognosis but didn't know this because she wouldn't let me sit with her with the doctor (I was in the waiting room).  She just told me it was pulmonary fibrosis and we guessed a couple of years but she started on an experimental medication (because there is no cure) and I prayed and hoped for a miracle..little did I know.  We planned a big vacation together this fall and I was going to take a lot of time off work in order to spend time with her...after I found out from the only person I she told (her family doctor) about the 4 month prognosis, I became very angry with her for keeping that info from me, but her family doctor said she didn't want to worry me and wanted me to continue to work. It was her way of coping and caring, even though I don't agree you should keep things like that from your loved ones, this is who she was and i could never and will never be able to get her to understand that.    I go from angry at her and whatever higher being you believe in to desparately depressed because I cannot believe I will never be able to talk with her on our nightly calls., go out for a day trip with her...or have that feeling that there is someone out there that loves you unconditionally and would take care of you whenever you needed a shoulder.  It sounds so completely selfish because she was the one that I loved, adored and respected and was dying and must have been feeling so horribly lonely and scared.  Anyway I am sorry for babbling and my heart goes out to you.  I appreciate you sharing your story and what you have gone through.  I believe it does take a lot of courage to open up like that and let people have wonderful opportunity to learn from you.  Please take care.  Hope
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Reply by marstin
06 Jul 2014, 6:31 PM

Hi,
Reading what you have written both you Hope and Ian, I wanted to say hello and welcome you to this forum. I have been coming here for over a year and a half and have found that it has helped me to keep my sanity. I arrived here having lost my partner of 23 years to cancer on what was to be our wedding day, nearly 2 years ago (July 15th) and just 7 1/2 weeks later lost my Mom (my best friend who I spent every day with) to heart and kidney failure. I truly did not believe that I would survive it but although I am still trying to pick up the pieces, at least I am still standing.

Ian I think we all go through a period of time where we think that the worst is behind us only to have it suddenly come rushing back and it's even worse than it was in the beginning. For each of us this process is different but so often other people put a time limit on how long we are 'supposed' to grieve and just cause us more anxiety. I still go though incredibly painful times but I have accepted that it is my own personal journey and that it's okay to feel the pain and that I will again move forward as I have been.

Hope, my Mom didn't share all of what was going on with her either. Although I accompanied her to her specialist appointments, she never took me in with her to our family doctor nor did she ever tell me why he would phone her at home sometimes. The last appointment that she had with our doctor was when Len was near the end and I remember her coming out of the room with a very resigned and sad look on her face. I was so overwhelmed at the time with the heavy load at home and didn't ask her what it was all about. I had seen a major change in her but she didn't share the information. Knowing now what I do, I still feel the pain that she didn't share this with myself or call on other family that could have been there to help her. I now understand in many ways why she didn't. She didn't want to be a burden. As I try to shelter my daughters from my own sadness and fears of the future it makes more sense. The few times that I have broken down recently and shown how frightened I am, only tends to scare them and I want to protect them at any cost. I think this is what most Mom's do. Your Mom did it out of love for you and she put your wellbeing ahead of hers.

Your roller coaster feelings are to be expected. It is a time where any emotions you feel are okay. You are trying to make sense of it all and to deal with the huge void in your life.

Sharing on here has brought me so much support and I am so fortunate to find this safe haven where people truly understand. I hope that you find it brings you some comfort too.

Hugs,
Tracie
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Reply by Colette888
10 Jul 2014, 8:03 AM

Hello everyone,

I lost my father 11 years ago when my kids were babies and I was beyond devastated.  We were as close and you and your mom are.  He was more than my best friend, he was the best father ever, really.  He had heart disease and we took him around Europe when his Dr. said he may live less than 5 years, so we had time, but his death was horrible.  Long story.  I thought I was fine, as others have mentioned and months later I felt horrible anxiety, depression, my personality changed, I became irritable toward everyone and it went on for years.  My advice is to take care of yourself, whether you are religious or like to meditate or do yoga but do SOMETHING to calm your mind and to grieve calmly, I stopped taking care of my self for 8-9 years, including gaining weight, stopped exercising, stopped taking vitamins and it all took a toll on my health.
Now my mother is dying of uterine cancer, literally as we speak in a few days and since we've known for 10 months about her illness, I've had time to prepare this time, even though nothing is guaranteed.  I have started to workout much more, I go to church and I also meditate and do yoga to calm the mind and body anxiety.  I also take St. John's Wort Organic tea and it really stabilizes my mind.  It really works.  I hope my story helps someone.  Our loved ones are waiting for us in a better place and we must go on with life. 
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Reply by KathCull_admin
10 Jul 2014, 2:54 PM

Hello, 

Welcome to our community Collette888. Thanks so much for your story and for sharing what you learned in the sadness of your dad’s death.  It sounds like now, in your mother’s illness, you have found ways to care for yourself.  I would imagine that helps you as you care for your mother and others in your family. I was struck by the hope I read in your post.


Even though no one else may share our exact experiences – like HopeG said the stories let us know that others understand, give others a bit of a road map and help us know there is hope.  We are not alone


I see that you live some distance from your family - are you able to be with them now?


How are things for you this week HopeG?  
Katherine





  
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Reply by dragonfly4
11 Jul 2014, 4:04 PM

Dear HopeG,
  I lost my mom on December 1 last year, after a long period of unknown illness.  Our situations are very similar.  It's been just over 7 months for me.  I still wake up and expect to see her, call her, hug her.  Living in this world after the death of my mother has been a journey for me!  I miss her terribly!  She was my best friend and we talked every day.  Three months after her death I realized I was motherless, an orphan.  I don't have anything to make it easier for you, that in itself is hard to type.  Be patient with yourself, love yourself, take time for self-care.  You've been through a traumatic experience followed by the death of your Mom.  There will be days when you cry, let yourself cry.  Talk about her, remember her.  It will be hard, for sure, but it helped me to start journalling to my mom.  Everyday, and sometimes its so hard, I come up with 3 things that I am grateful for.  Every night I thank god that I had my mom as long as I did.  For me, I also thank god that my mom is at peace and pain free, with loved ones that she missed.   My mom was a great believer in faith.  As hard as it is to miss her, I'm trying to have faith that she is happy and healthy now.  I'm a caretaker, so it was hard to put aside my feelings of helping others, to help myself.  I realized with help from this group that you must help yourself first or you are no good to others.  I try hard everyday to just "BE".  Wake up, eat, work, make supper, spend time with loved ones, it's hard but it's progress for me.  Just keep waking up and putting one foot in front of the other and keep going!  This group has helped me tremendously!  I haven't been posting a lot lately but I know where my support system is, find yours!  Do what feels good for you! Let yourself grieve, it's tough, but feel your loss and keep moving forward.  You are creating a new you and it's so worth it to invest in yourself and be happy.  You will be happy again, your mom would want that for you.  Please be gentle with yourself!  Your life will find some kind of normal again, your grief will always be there for yor Mom, cherish your memories of her, for me, I won't say it's getting easier, but I'm able to cope better with my mom's death.  
Lynne 
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Reply by Colette888
14 Jul 2014, 5:53 AM

Hello KathCull (Katherine),

Thanks for your kind words.  There is always HOPE, we just have to keep at it and not give up.  Things do get better, even if it takes a while.  You are right, I live in California and my mom in Canada (Vancouver).  I've been up there 4 times since her first surgery.  She has maybe 3-5 days left of life, according to hospice and the symptoms, though no one knows.  Financially it's been hard, I am going again this week to hopefully say goodbye last time.  Death is something a lot of people fear, mainly the separation from loved ones - the "unkonwn".  I hated losing my father and I'm sure losing my mom will hit me too, but this time I have ammunition to at least not let it drown me in sorrow.  HopeG, we have others who love and care for us, focus on that - if you have children, nephews/nieces, significant others, friends, anyone - helping and serving others also helps to feel better and to actually make a difference.  Hope this helps too!
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