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Reply by KathCull_admin

18 Oct 2014, 2:41 AM

Dear Caite,

I’m sorry it’s been such a tough time for you – on all fronts. Do you have close friends or other family who might be able to perhaps help with some of the paper work and ‘be there for you’?

I wondered if you might find this link - Programs and Services - of help. It lists resources available across the country. I hope the personal counselling is providing you with support.

As Marstin said, moving ahead is difficult. You might be interested in looking at Per’s thread Learning about caring for and losing a sick spouse.

I think you are wise to take one day at a time. Look forward to hearing how things are unfolding for you.

Take care
Katherine

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Reply by jorola

18 Oct 2014, 7:06 PM

Hi Caite,

I have read your thread today and my heart breaks for you. You are living my worst nightmare. My husband and I were together for 9 yrs. When we got the news about his lung cancer in April of thi year he said it was time to pull his head out of his butt about marrying again. We were married in July not knowing how much time we would have left together. I am thankful for each day.

Love is love. It does not matter if you been together 4 yrs or 40. When you lose the love of your life it hurts all the same. I am sorry others just don't get that. Yet i feel sorry for them too because I think if they knew real love they would undertand this and not say such things.

I know it does not feel like it but you are doing things to"move forward." I actually hate those words personally because of how i interpret them. Moving forward seems like you are trying to leave something behind. You are not leaving Kevin behind. His love and your memories of your time togther will always be with you.You will never forget. Now you are just trying to find a way to deal with your grief of your loss and learn to live life as it is now for you. Your right, your relationhips with his family including your step children will not be the same yet I hope that you all find a good relationship because of the love your shared for Kevin. I am glad you have found a counselor. That helps. It is ajounrey though all the same. Up/downs/sideways too. Believe in yourself that you will find a way to adjust to things and even find happiness again. A time when you look back on your memories of Kevin and smile because of the good feelings you feel when you remember him.

I wish there was a fast forward button i could press for you so you could go to this time.

Until then, as you say,one day at a time.

Thank you for sharing your story with us.

I wish you strength and peace.

Jodie

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Reply by missie

20 Oct 2014, 2:19 AM

Well, it has been 4 months last week. Wish I could say I could support you all,but having a hard time myself. We all are in the darkest times of our lives. Its just not fair is it. Seeing other people live "normal lives" which we don't have right now is so hard.I wish for that fast forward button so so much. I wonder how you all are doing....we all get it. Grief like I said before is so so misunderstood.Wish we could all do a big group hug. Wouldnt it mean a lot....
This is the best I can do and say....but life does have to go on...and I hope you all the best....do take one step at a time,and love yourself....you count!
Missy..

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Reply by Caitee

27 Oct 2014, 3:59 AM

Oh Missy, how I understand fully. It was three months on Saturday and it was also the day we finally gathered to bury Kevin's ashes. A sorid and difficult time marked with anxiety, fear and oddly enough, relief. It feels at times as though it were both yesterday and a lifetime ago that my life turned inside out as I can imagine yours and everyone else's has. Our grief group disbanded due to so many drop outs so I'm back to mostly being on my own. The "dark night of the soul" was the way our facilitator had put it. It truly is the dark. The feelings are dark, our mood is dark and the way to wellness is shrouded in mystery and apprehension.

I've found some comfort in daily emails from a grief website that is scripture based. I'm not sure if that would be something of interest for you but it was the way I went to find comfort. I encourage anyone to look it up.

I can already look back even to a couple months ago and see the pure devastion I was in. I have come a ways since then but also can recognize that I have a ways to go. They call it grief work for a reason, it REALLY takes a lot of work.

*virtual hugs*

misunderstood is such a soft term for how those unaffected by such a loss are like. I've already encountered substantial biases and double standards in how society views and their expectations on widows versus widowers. How I choose to work through my grief and what my feelings are, are entirely mine to own. Has anyone else (widow/widower) encountered double standards or set expectations following such a loss? if you're willing to share, what were they?

Love and blessings,
Caite

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Reply by sickness

29 Oct 2014, 1:18 AM

Hi....
Totally get where you are coming from. I lost my husband to colon cancer at the age of 52 ....it will be 1 year, oct 31st....his favorite holiday of the year! We were married 24 years and he fought this FRICKIN battle for 13 years... The doctors had him written off soo many times...but he wanted to live ... And he fought till he couldn't no more.... Comments... Ya people have absolutely no idea what we are going thru unless they have been there.., a friend of mine keeps telling me lately to burn my pathetic pity card and move on... Your going to lose your friends if you keep this up!! REALLY... As she goes home to her husband..... People are cruel...but like stated before..society doesn't know how to deal with sadness....
Literally hun take one day at a time... Let comments go in one ear out the other... I joined a gym....best investment ever...it sooo clears the mind... And I deal with people better...most days....night time is the hardest for me.... Soo lonely...i just was able to sleep on his side of bed... I wake up crying in the middle of the night.... I miss him so much....

One day at a time... I guess is all we can do.... Good luck my friend.... We all need it ....
take care. 😔

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Reply by missie

31 Oct 2014, 4:07 AM

Its Oct.30, and I see sickness is seeing a "first" tomorrow....boy, can I relate. It will also be my first halloween without him, as I lost him in June this year. But you lost him on this date, and halloween will never be the same. It will be truly sad, seeing all the happy kids and you can't feel that happiness..then the stores will be pushing the Christmas stuff, oh how I want to RUN AWAY!! And well said, you will "lose your friends if you keep this up" as she goes home to her husband.....even my own sister can't grasp my sadness. No one can, unless you have been through it. The depth of sadness is unbelievable, I can remember feeling oh, so bad when someone lost their significant other, I really did, I remember staying awake all night feeling so bad for someone,but it's not even close to how bad it is when it actually happens to you. Funny how night time is the hardest..I feel the same. It is lonely, because only you are on this particular journey. I am crying a lot, and you wonder, will life ever get better...? Then you try to think, my hubby would be so upset for me to be like this...you were together 24 years and I was with mine for 20. It doesn't matter how long really, love is the base of all...but I really hate feeling that no one gets how sad I feel...(because I can't find a drop in support group around where I live) so, yes, very lonely feeling. You can only go through this halloween as best you can. I will be doing the same.
I give you big hugs......and to everyone else on here......strength and love.. missy.

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Reply by missie

31 Oct 2014, 4:22 AM

Caitee, what is that website you are talking about, that is scripture based? I would like to check it out. And no doubt, you are also feeling the "first" with halloween. Everything seems to be a first no matter how you look at it. I sure wish there was a chatline on here, it would be so helpful. And also well said, our lives turn "inside out" for sure.
I find the double standards not too troubling yet, but that people have more"pity" for a woman than a man. Oh, to wave a magic wand and move forward out of pain.
Wish we could all be in the same room.
Hugs to you...Caitee
missy

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Reply by Caitee

01 Nov 2014, 8:50 PM

Hey Missy.
It's griefshare.org
they have a daily email encouragement. It goes in days. So for example I am at day 63 although it's been 99 days. I look at it more as 63 days forward from that point where I reached out to something for help. I don't "do" pity. At the very inclination that people are treating me that way I set them straight. I was blessed with a husband who loved me to the ends of the earth and beyond. We always said that we would love each other beyond infinity. That will never change. What has changed is our circumstances. He has left and I remain. So I will go on living and growing and healing. I will squeeze every ounce of living out of this life. I will not squander it away. Each day has become a small quest to learn about life. This pain is changing me. Changing in good ways. I do not wish to rush it. It sharpens my empathy, it gives me a true understanding of others in the same or similar situations. It allows me to slow down and pay attention to what I have around me still.
do you go out? Like just to get out. I'm typing this in a coffee shop alone. I'm around others but not with them. I can leave whenever I want. I'm not tied down to an outing with friends. There's no guilt, no expectations. I'm just trying. As a good friend said to me "happy healing"
- Caite

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Reply by KathCull_admin

02 Nov 2014, 1:31 AM

Hello everyone,

I came across this link from Hospice Palliative Care Manitoba and thought of this thread. 8 Common Condolences Not To Offer Someone Grieving A Loved One’s Passing

Katherine

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Reply by KathCull_admin

18 Jun 2015, 8:14 PM

Hello everyone,
Caitee, Missie and Sickness as Missie mentioned in her post you have all been through many hard firsts this past year.

Have you found support in unexpected places? Have there been people or things that have been most helpful for you in the past year?

Take care all
Katherine

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