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Im am so lost! 
Started by shirleys baby
04 Sep 2014, 2:53 PM

Hello, my mother after a fall last Dec to being dianosed with cancer in January just passed away August 20th.   I am so lost... just want to connect to others.   

 

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Reply by KathCull_admin
04 Sep 2014, 3:33 PM

Hi Im am so lost,
My sympathy to you in the passing of your mother  - that is a huge  loss. 

I am glad you found our community. Here you will find members who understand and support each other in grief and loss. mymothersdaughter started the thread I feel lost and at time afraid of what I saw and HopeG  started Loss of Mom.  Posting on these threads sends them email notification so they can respond to you.  


Can you tell me more about yourself? Do you have other family to support you close by or good friends?


Katherine

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Reply by NatR
04 Sep 2014, 4:04 PM

Hello I am so lost,

welcomd to the forum. As Katherine said you are welcome here and you will be supported and understood by others who have lost loved ones.

its so different for each of us...
my sympathies to you on the loss of your mom.  Something about your mom that shakes us to our foundation - the person you turn to, who tells you how to fix this recipe and that common household problem.  Always there and supporting you - you will find others here who understand and care.

sending you  thoughts today,
natR
 
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Reply by JennJilks
08 Sep 2014, 11:02 PM

It is terribly hard when a parent passes, isn't it? There is little to prepare you for it. 
Your local hospice group will have bereavement groups, or private support, if you prefer.
If you search for hospice + your province/territory, they will be able to help you, as well as all of us.

Some of our most successful groups, here in Ontario, are the Visual Arts Bereavement Groups.

That said, there are many who will listen.
How are you feeling?
What are your worst fears?
Do you have regrets?

In answer to all of these questions, we do the best we can at the time, with the information we have.
We cannot go back and change what happened, but we can forgive ourselves and one another, and move on to live the life we have been chosen to led.
All the best.Jennifer 
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Reply by sadson
11 Oct 2014, 4:37 PM

 I lost Mom due to colon cancer, July 02, 2014.  I was still living at home all my life(im 54 male) and Mom was in good health a few heart problem(Mom was 80yrs old) but  in good health, but when Mom was diagnosed it was hard to take,  Mom was a fighter right to the end.  I was working and I quit my job to take of Mom, wanted to take care of Mom and also wanted to spend as much time with Mom as I could, I guess Im just struggling that Mom is not here no more, very sad. I lost my Father in 1990 from a heart attack so im just feeling very alone now. 
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Reply by NatR
11 Oct 2014, 8:12 PM

Dear sadson,

i am sending you my condolences on the loss of your mom  - I cannot imagine how you are feeling having lost both your parents when you were at home and close to them.

i admire your strength to take on caregiving for your mom, even to letting go of your job .
do you have any other family nearby? Or perhaps a  family friend who knew you and your parents? 

I hope you will reach out to find a support network in your area - it really helps to be able to share with others who understand what you are feeling.

welcome to this forum - where you will find it helps to just write out your feelings and be heard by others who also grieve.

you are not alone.  Keep posting your thoughts and the responses you get will help you to understand that grief is a journey that is different for each of us - but the same in that it does change our life and circumstances in a split second.
best wishes,
natR 
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Reply by JennJilks
11 Oct 2014, 10:54 PM

It is a shock when we lose our parents, isn't it?
The best advice I can give, totally unsolicited, is that
your parents have given you all the tools you need to be a strong, contributing member of society.
It is vital that you grieve both of them. It is not wrong, your emotions. They are what you feel at the time.
Understand that you are not alone, that we all face this kid of grief and have varying means and ways to manage it.
You will get through this. Give yourself permission to be in mourning. Give yourself the time you need. Your journey is different than everyone else's but we all have to take it at some point. 
If you can find a bereavement group it will help you. Deep breath.
Nat, my dear friend, has wise words, too. She is my hero. You listen to her!
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Reply by sadson
12 Oct 2014, 2:01 AM

Thank you for the kind emails and yes I have family support, my  siblings and I have reached out to the  local cancer care for some councilling.  It just sometimes it seems still very fresh like it just happened. Hope with time it will be better, thanks for listening,,,,
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Reply by AdoptedSon
12 Oct 2014, 8:02 PM

@sadson

Sorry about your loss, one I can totally relate to. My Mom passed away just last November, and the days and nights have been filled with fear, doubts, regrets, and a total sense of emptiness.

Yes there is a lot of emptiness, wandering around, that I still feel, as I took care of Mom, with my spouse. The last six years kept me housebound, and turned things around to where David became the bread winner.  Seems that most Governments, such our lovely one, don't believe being the primary caregiver is a job, when you are family.  

Even now, nearly a year later, there are moments when you just want to pull the covers up over your face, and not get out of bed. The sense of loss is almost unbearable, but that is the thing, it is just "almost" that.  It isnt easy to cope with the change, because after such a long time, six years in my case, of being on duty 24/7 365 days, you actually have time.  

There are no calls to take, or doors to have open for in home care givers, no standing on guard to insure that they can do their job, without causing more pain. No more Doctors to keep informed of changes, or to deal with.  No government agency to spend hours fighting with, over quality of care, no rushing to pharmacies for refills, or other supplies. No scouring of the papers for sales on depends, no running up and down stairs to put laundry in the washer, then the dryer, then fold and bring back, to only get tomorrow's load down the stairs. No commodes to wash, clean, and get ready.

But all that, is missed, for some odd reason. It was a sense of purpose, and now we have all this time, to think, to realize just what we missed. The regrets, the pain, all suddenly come rushing in, day after day, hour after hour, minute after minute, or so it seems.  And while it all sounds dark, dismal, and painful, it is Life.  It does get easier, time does dull some of it, until that one moment you get caught unaware, and the tears well up, the chest heaves a bit, as her smile flashes before your eyes, her voice echoes in your ears, and you know that you won't hear it again, see it again, and yet, really you do.  You just did, and the calm comes, and as the days pass, the empty nights pass, the calm starts to grow longer, become more common.

I don't know how long it will take, for me, nearly a year later, the calm, the acceptance, is only now settling in, but that is me, stubborn to the end, I guess.  Maybe not enough Chocolate in my diet, but it does get better, bit by bit.  Now the regrets are there still, but tempered with the memories, the warmth of her touch, the radiance of her smile, the soothing echo of her voice.

It does get better.

Ian 
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Reply by sadson
14 Oct 2014, 2:49 AM

Thanks Ian for your email, sorry for your loss,  it helpes to know that someone also went threw this.

It is difficult to go and do erands and not go back home as soon as I can, to take care of Mom, it's like I have to go but no Mom is gone, as I write this it just doesn't seem real that Mom is gone.

I have to realize that Mom is gone with my Father, it's just that feeling of emptiness that I have to overcome, first.

Brian

    

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