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Bleuuurrgh 
Started by jaindough
24 Sep 2014, 12:42 AM
Hi All,

I just wanted to post and say how miserable I feel! I am so tired of dealing with everything I have to deal with and I feel so alone in my grief or trying to even discover what that grief may be. I have lost so much over the last few years and I feel like nobody really knows what it is I am facing. I have lost my entire family and at times I feel so sad and alone, even though I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful baby boy.

I feel like I don't even have time to digest the losses I have had over the years. My mother was the last member of my immediate family left and now she is gone. I have to empty and sell my childhood home. It feels like I have lost and am losing a huge part of who I am. When I lay in bed and try to fall asleep, all I can think of is how these people have left me and how much I have left to do to wrap up my mother's passing.

I feel like my compass no longer has a true north. My needle is just spinning and spinning..... 
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Reply by moderator | modératrice
24 Sep 2014, 1:17 AM
Hi Jaindough,

I hear you! The world is spinning and you just wish you could step off if only for a moment. I can only imagine that it feels like no one knows or can comprehend what you're facing. And you don't have the energy to explain it or even ask for what you need if you knew what would stop the pain, the sense of loss, the lonliness, the void. 

I offer you a virtual hug, to hold and rock you for just a moment so you can be the child again. I know it is little comfort, but we are listening and we get it.
Colleen 
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Reply by oldbat
25 Sep 2014, 1:07 AM
Hello Jaindough,

Here's another virtual hug.  This one from a new member who has read your entire story with amazement and respect.  You truly are a remarkable woman:  daughter, wife,, mother, friend.  You have managed to be so much for so many for so long, it is no wonder you now feel so bereft.

Would it be possible for you, your husband and little boy to take a little respite break together?  Somewhere tranquil, where you can just sit, enjoy Nature's blessings and just "be"   You need to learn to play again, and what could be more wonderful than doing this with the people you most love in your world now?  Watching your little boy discover a whole new world.  Holding your husband and helping him, too, get over the stresses of the last months.  You all need this.  

You are not lost Jaindough.  You are worn out.  Could the house maybe wait for a few days?  If you could do this, I think your multiple losses would shrink slightly when you look at what you now have.  Wonderful memories of your whole loving family.  Memories you will learn to treasure even more as time goes by.  But now it's time to make your OWN memories.  Ones you can share through the years withh your husband and son.  Cherish this time with them.  And add to your memory's trove of beautiful moments.  Moments you can all take out and share together, when life gets a little hard to bear.

Jaindough, you have been the "true north" for so many people for so long, it's time now to rest. Your little family will be your own "true north", you'll see.  The losses will always be there, but now you can concentrate on the wonderful gains the future holds for you.

You are a remarkable woman.  You need to know that about yourself.  After all, everyone else does!

oldbat - who is truly lost in admiration for all you have coped with so brilliantly and so kindly.

 
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Reply by jaindough
26 Sep 2014, 6:15 PM
Thank you both for your kind responses. They brought tears to my eyes! Thanks for being there for my pity party. I needed to vent a bit and I appreciate your caring replies.

I am worn out, you are absolutely right. My husband has suggested a little getaway as well. I just feel a sense of urgency to get everything done sooner rather than later because of all the long distance traveling required to get to my hometown. It's a 7 hour drive through total wilderness and once the snow comes, it becomes more dangerous and slower going. I also want to tie loose ends so that my mind can rest and I can try to squeeze out some enjoyment out of whatever maternity leave I will have left once this is over.

We are here now in my hometown, clearing out as much as we can for our stay here. It is so much work, both emotionally and physically. Having to bin broken toys that I remember playing with so fondly over and over and over again is a bit heart-wrenching.

Once I sort out more of the administrative end of things and have a definitive plan for the house, I am taking a good break with the family and I promise I will make some new memories with the ones I love.

Cheers,
JD 
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Reply by jaindough
21 Oct 2014, 2:53 PM
I had a quick trip home this weekend and met with one of mom's best friends who was such a support to me throughout this process. We were talking and both said how hard it is to stop remembering mom as a sick patient, in pain and suffering and to instead start to remember her as her vibrant, beautiful, healthy self.

I have had to do a fast clear out of the home since the house seems to have sold so quickly. So many photos and keepsakes. I brought home quite a few boxes and my husband and I put them up in our spare bedroom. I didn't have time to sort through everything in detail yet but I know I won't be keeping a lot of stuff. It's sad to see what a whole lifetime boils down to at the end. It really puts things into perspective; material things are so not important! 
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Reply by KathCull_admin
23 Oct 2014, 5:33 PM

Hi JD
You are so right - when it comes right down to it - material things are very fleeting but often the memories they evoke are so powerful. Sounds like a good idea to leave the sorting done later. The last several months have been very busy - physically, emotionally and I daresay spiritually. 

I was just reading a poem eKIM posted a few months ago, She Let Go and thought of you.  I was wondering how your first Thanksgiving without your mom was for you.

Congratulations on selling the car!  The house sounds like it is almost there too.

Take care
Katherine

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Reply by jaindough
20 Nov 2014, 9:24 PM
So here I am again.

The house sold last month, and the car was sold as well and so my repeated long-distance traveling was put to an end before the winter blew in and I am grateful for that. I now have a dozen boxes of (sad?) memories to dig through and they are all sitting in my spare bedroom and I cringe every time I walk by it. I don't want to face it. I don't want to have to continue to categorize my lifetime of memories (and those of all of my deceased family members.) Keep, donate, discard. Sometimes I think of just chucking everything away but I know how much I would regret that.

I continue to get mom's mail delivered here at the house and so there are companies that I have yet to notify of her death. I've paid so many bills, which hopefuly now will be over, given that the house is sold. 

And I still don't think it has sunk in just yet.

I was shopping for a few essentials yesterday and I happened upon a rack of pretty christmas cards. I read all of them written to "Mom", "Dearest Mother", "Grandma" and felt so suddenly overwhelmed with my grief. "How?" I thought to myself. "How am I going to get through this season?"

I honestly don't know.

My husband and I are now the glee-makers for our little boy. We are home for him. We are the spreaders of good cheer in our household. We are the keepers of peace and the bringers of merriment in our home. I guess the torch has truly passed on to me now.

I just wish it weren't so permanant. I just wish I had someone to ask for advice. I just wish that I could "go home", truly, one last time. 
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Reply by KathCull_admin
01 Jan 2015, 9:30 PM

Hi JD
I was thinking about you today – wondering how you have been.  The Christmas season can be such a jumble of feelings – joy and anticipation in the eyes of a child mixed with sadness and grief at what was and can be no more.  And those unexpected jolts – like you looking at the cards and remembering. 

My mother died somewhat unexpectedly (although she was 93) several  years ago. She had written me a cheque a week or so before – I never cashed it and keep it safely tucked away – her writing brings back lots of memories.


Take care JD


Katherine 
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Reply by jaindough
05 Jan 2015, 6:35 PM
Hi Katherine,

Thank you for your message. I am doing well. I still think of my family every day and I still am not past thinking of my mother in her sick state. I try to remember the happy memories, but I always seem to go back to those hard, raw last days. I know this will pass in time.

We had a wonderful Christmas, just me and my little family. It was peaceful and rejuvenating. We have started our own special traditions. We feel so thankful for all that we have. I remind myself, everyday, to be grateful for my health, for my husband and for my little boy. I feel truly blessed. 

Happy New Year to you and yours. 
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Reply by jaindough
01 Feb 2015, 1:55 AM
I miss my mom. I miss my family.

I just realized the other day how lost I felt when at mom's funeral. All I wanted was that comforting presence that she always provided. I felt no comfort from anyone around me, oddly. I felt so alone and so abandoned and now I realize it's because I wanted her with me there.

I just had a miscarriage and my husband and I feel so empty. We thought this would be the new beginning we so wished for; finally a break in the new year, but it was not meant to be. Our hearts are broken. I know we will overcome this, as we have overcome all else.

Our son keeps our lives bright and sunshiny. He is an absolute joy. I so wish my mom and dad were here to enjoy him. I so wish I had their guidance and encouragement. I so wish I had their advice. 

Does this grief ever end? I think it transforms. It shifts and finds new shape as time passes. I don't think it will ever go away. 
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