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Reply by NatR

01 Feb 2015, 2:34 AM

Dear Jaindough,

let me first offer my condolences to you on the loss of your baby. That must be so very very painful. I hope that both you and your husband will hold each other close and support each other.

there is no way to understand why these things happen - it's just how we get through them, that is all we really have a say in.

coming after the loss of your mom - I am sure this feels so heavy to bear.
i encourage you to keep writing your feelings as it does help to get things out in words...and there will be listeners here - offering strength and prayers for you and your family.

sincerely,
NatR

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Reply by KathCull_admin

01 Feb 2015, 2:38 AM

Dear JD
My heart aches for you. How you must miss your parents as you grieve the loss of this little life and delight in your little boy.

As you say, you and your husband will overcome, but perhaps for now all you can do is ‘be’.

I thought of these words that eKIM wrote on Quote: What is the price of love? “Grief never ends, but it changes. It is a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith. It is the price of love.” - unknown

Sending warm thoughts and tight hugs to you JD.
Katherine

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Reply by frustrated

01 Feb 2015, 2:43 AM

Hi jaindough,

My mother passed away three years ago. She was in a nursing home and didn't have many possesions( my father passed away almost 15 years ago and the family home was cleared out them). I packed all her things up and stuffed them in a room and it wan't until this week that I could bring myself to sort out anything. I had never touched her purse or anyhting. So don't rush it, someday the time will be right. YOu will know and then you can deal with all those boxes.

As for needing your mother, it never really ends. My husband is in palative care. He is in a care home as he requires more than I could give him at home. After visiting him one evening, I can home and felt so alone, I sat in a chair and stared out the window and strated crying" I want my mommy, can't she come and make it all better." And I am much older than you so I was lucky to have her for so long. Then a couple of days latter, my grown "baby" daughter came to visit her dad. When she came back to the house, she climbed in my lap, put her head on my shoulder and cried.

So go easy on yourself. Cry, have a pity party, it is all ok. Grief never ends, it just gets so it doesn't hurt as much. It becomes bearable. When ever I see an eagle fly over I think of my Dad. I miss him so muc after all these years, but I have so many good memories and they bring a smile to my face.

Hugs
vj

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Reply by Xenia

01 Feb 2015, 3:04 AM

Hi JD:

I am so sorry to hear about all the things you have been going through.

Missing your mother must be very hard to bear and now the miscarriage as I am sure you would have wanted to share that you were going to have another grandchild. Your husband and you havebeen through so much lately that words cannot really say from the heart what I feel for you.

Thankfully you have your son and he brings some joy to your lives. Childern always seem to be able to chase away the blues and bring happiness into our lives with some of their moments like learning to walk, talk or just smile or laugh. I will not say you will get over the miscarriage easily as this is a loss on top of everything. Time alone is the great healer.

I can truly say I know of your sorrow on missing your mother as I have just lost my husband, John, on January 10th. Time will help me remember him and time will help heal my heart. This too will be part of your healing process.

Keeping in touch with others on Virtual Hospice will be a big help as there are so many who care for us and each other and can offer us comfort with words and just being there when we need to talk or share our sorrows.

A big hug to you and keep in contact.

Xenia

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Reply by jaindough

03 Apr 2015, 1:01 AM

You are all so great. Thank you all for your kind words. I haven't written in awhile as I just haven't known what to say.

I am having a hard time these days. It being easter, I am remembering so acutely the visits I had with mom in the hospital last year at this time when I was juggling a newborn and trying to tend to her as best I could. I see the same easter treats I had brought for her and remember sharing them with her in her hospital room and I feel so sad, so suddenly.

I am back at work and adjusting to not being with my son all day everyday. The other day I heard two colleagues sharing a laugh and one of them laughed just like my father used to and I felt such a pang of loss so suddenly again.

When I hold my son and rock him gently, I imagine my parents and how they once held me in their arms and loved me so much once upon a time.

These feelings come on so strongly and out of nowhere. I really am not sure how to stop them.

I am melancholy these days and I don't know how to shake it. I am so very grateful for all that life has given me. I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful child. I am so very lucky. I need to keep reminding myself of that.

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Reply by Xenia

03 Apr 2015, 3:37 PM

Good Morning Jain:

So good to hear from you again. I understand your melancholy feelings and the dismay of losing someone dear to you.

I cannot say time will heal all as I just learned about that and on the other message board some of our good friends shared what it meant when we hear time is a healer. Indeed it is but each of us have to deal with the passing of a loved one in our own time frame.

Our family always got together for holidays and this year the family is having Easter Dinner in Vancouver as one daughte said, mom we can't bear to look at an empty green chair. The green chair where their dad, my husband used to sit and watch, laugh and enjoy their company. So off to Vancouver I go on Saturday.

Little things bring back tears like last night I was making a scrambled egg for dinner, didnlt feel like much, all of a sudden tears came pouring down. I used to make John a cheese and egg omelte as he could eat that without difficulty. Then the thoughts came, did I give him enough time, did I make sure his meals were good, did I , did I,
then I let the tears fall and know yes, I did make his meals well, I did care for him throughout his illness and yes I did the best I could providing him with palliative care at home. I did fulfill his wishes to be at home until the few days before he passed away in hospital.

The feelings will come and as many of us we accept them, deal with them the best we can and know our loved ones appreciated our help even if they could not express their thanks due to illness, change in personality and all that goes on with a personality change during illness.

Having your son close to you and your husband for support you will deal with the passing of your mother in your own way and the best way for you.

Take care

Xenia

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Reply by Princess peace

07 Apr 2015, 5:42 AM

Hi Jaindough,
My story is one of loss of my sister just over a month ago. It was devastating as she was my best friend and confidante.....One thing that surprised me at her "Celebration of Life" is that we danced to her favourite song at the end. It was uplifting and beautiful and we felt her spirit was with us there. This completely surprised me as who would think that "dancing" could have this effect especially at this time. Everyone at her service said the same thing of the beauty and how powerfully uplifting it was. Just a suggestion that you might dance with your son to one of your mothers favorite songs to celebrate her life.
My thoughts are with you as I understand the waves of emotion that come with grief.
I am sending a hug...
Princess Peace (Monica)

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