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I lost the man I love.....how do I go on 
Started by Myblueeyedman
07 Feb 2015, 4:47 PM
On January 12,2015.....my common law husband lost his life to cancer. I am now trying to live without him and it's been so hard. I miss him like crazy.....we were always together.....
It feels so lonly without him at my side. I am trying to go day by day, the future seems so scary, because he won't be in it with me. He was the one who made my life whole, he was the other half of me. I miss my blued eyed man.😢
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Reply by oldbat
07 Feb 2015, 5:42 PM

What a terrible loss for you.  I can only imagine how you must feel. I, too, share your sense of isolation and despair.  My husband of 32 years had a catastrophic stroke three years ago.  he didn't die but was, in so many ways, lost to me.  And still is.  He is in long-term care, so like you I am alone even though he is, in a number of ways,  still here.

You showed such strength and bravery posting here.  And I am so glad you did.  This community is made of people who, like you, are dealing with devastating circumstances.  They have found solace, sympathy and companionship here.

Come share with us.  We care.  And we understand just how how lonely and lost you feel right now.

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Reply by Xenia
08 Feb 2015, 3:28 PM
Dear Blueeyed:

I share your grief on the loss of your husband as I too lost my husband this past January 10, 2015.

Greif is so individual and as you stated you miss your partner very much.  You shared your days and nights with him and now you are alone as I am.  I can only offer you words of understanding how much hurt you feel and I understand that as well.

You were brave to contact CVH and share your feelings.  We all have been through this, so longer than others.  My first contact was when John, my husband, was very ill and I was at wits end not knowing how or what to do.  Then getting on line helped me understand his illness, understand my feelings and being able to share them with those who knew what I was going through.

With Johns death so fresh in my life I am trying to take it one day, one hour at a time, I am trying to let out the anger and despair that I feel and know that others too are feeling this.  I don;t know if you have children, I do, they are adults and they too are grieving so I share my loss with them.  

I question myself if at 86 years of age, John's passing is not as grevious as with a younger person, I ask why after being married 59 years I miss him so much and know the answers will come slowly and I take comfort in getting on line and sharing my despair, hurt and tears with all on CVH.

Please use the information from professionals on this program as there are so many topics, support and information to help you through these hard times.

Hugs to you and all who are sharing their losses and despair.

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Reply by JennJilks
08 Feb 2015, 8:04 PM
This is the worst time of all, isn't it?
It will get better.
Your man will want you to carry on. Sure, you are afraid. No question.

I left my first husband, and I was so afraid. I didn't know how to cope with being a single parent with three kids. You just do one day at a time.
Your hopes and fears change with a life change like this.

Here is a suggestion. Make a memory collage of your man. Cut out pictures, use words, images, symbols that represent your husband. It helps to remember the good times, the wonder of it all.
Your memories are important. Celebrate the life he lived, try not get dragged down into the day he died. My daughter just had a bad day, the day her father died was Feb. 2. I had forgotten (we were divroced). Her brother supported her. 

The well of grief

You are a whole person. You have to recreate yourself. I believe that our loved ones are with us, as long as we need them. Show him how strong you are. And you are. 

Make another collage of the things you are. Your strengths, your beliefs. 
Take care. Deep breath. Talk to a bereavement support person, or go to a bereavement community. It will help get you out of that well of grief you are facing. Groups help you build a ladder to climb out.

For what it is worth. Take care. Keep on writing.
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Reply by Dar64
09 Feb 2015, 2:00 AM

((hugs)) blueyedman,

I know exactly how you feel, my husband was stage 4 lung cancer, i kept him at home till the last 4 hours of his life, My beautiful blue eyed husbands journey of life ended on Dec. 18th 2014.. Don't get dragged into people telling you to get over it, grief and mourning do not have a time limit. I started berevement group here in Owen sound ont. through our local hospice and V.O.N. We are reading understanding your grief by Alan D, Wolfert, Ph,D a grief councellor for the past 3 decades. He brings up some really good points. The toughest times for me are this month, on wed my husband Ron would have turned 57 yrs old, i am honoring his day with my berevement group on wed, i am then honoring Ron with a raost beef dinner with our kids. Then comes Valentines day and i keep the teddy bear that Ron bought me last year close to me, then on the 19th it would have been our 32nd anniversary. Its very hard not having my husband in physical form with me, i do however have his ashes at home with me, i am having a custom made box to place the container with his ashes in with room for me to put notes inside. I have already come to the conclusion that he will stay with me till my journey ends, when i have clear instructions that i too am to be cremated and our ashes combined as one once again, we will be emptied into a plot togather. When we married we became one and it will be that way again. I am still in denial i dont want to believe he has gone. But, i find that being with others whom have also lost their partners is helping. They understand a lot more of how you are felling as they too are experiencing that same loss, we all grieve in our own way, dont rush yourself. Cry all you want and if you don't have supportive people around you, look somewhere else for that support, in order to heal from this mental, physical and emotional trauma we must grieve and mourn our losses, openly without shame, and with support. There is support out there, my support group is being run by Rev. Huff, churches, hospice, V.O.N are all there for our support and comfort. Don't let others tell you to get over it, or time is a healer cause litterally it is not, we just conform and adapt to living in a different way. It is hard to love someone so purely, so strongly only to have them taken from a horrible disease. No one can walk this journey for me, i have to walk this alone, the most we can do is have someone to walk with us in support. I wish i could give you a true hug, and tell you i am there if you need me, but a virtual one is all i can offer to you. Know you are not alone, i will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, for i know just how devastaing this is for you and i..

much love and hugs to you myblueeyedman


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Reply by Myblueeyedman
16 Feb 2015, 12:19 AM
On Valentine's Day I bought my hubby and me some beautiful flowers. As I know he would have done that for me and like last year I would have also given him flowers. I made up my mind in earlier this month that I was going to honor our love in buying him roses and not to be scared of Feb 14th. Once I did this I felt a lot better about Valentine's Day. I must admit that I did have a good cry on this day, but it was a good cry.
I will continue to buy flowers every so often to say I love you to my hunny, seeing the flowers makes me remeber him and also makes me smile.....he loved buying me flowers.  
 The missing him seems to be hurting more, but it's only been a month and I think it's just becoming more real....I will not see my hunny again in this world.......only in my dreams.
I am planning on going to grief support group. I need to hear what others feel about losing their partners.
Thank you for sharing your loss with me.
mybluedman 💙

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Reply by KathCull_admin
16 Feb 2015, 12:40 AM

It’s very good to hear from you again.

What a lovely way to honour myblueeyedman on Valentine’s Day.  I really admire your decision ‘not to be scared’ of the day. It may not have been easy to go into the store and buy the flowers and although there were tears - they also gave you wonderful memories of a loving partner, along with a smile.

You mentioned that you were planning on going to a grief support group and I wanted to let you know about a thread which Colleen started today called Support Groups (online & off) - Your recommendations please   There are a number of resources that you might find helpful. We would really value your thoughts, ideas and findings.

Do you have family or close friends you are able to call on for support myblueeyedman?



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Reply by schamp3385
21 Feb 2015, 6:14 AM
I just lost my  much-loved husband of 34 years on January 29th. I'm down and crying most of the time, with the occassional happy thought, but never stop wondering how I am to survive the rest of my life without him by my side.  Sure hope this pain and empty feeling passes. I have read of so many who are experiencing the same thing and my heart breaks for all of you Cry
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Reply by oldbat
21 Feb 2015, 7:24 AM
Dear schamp3385,

You did such a brave thing posting here.  We are all on similar journeys here, and always available to reach out with virtual hugs, sympathy and empathy.

It doesn't feel like it right now, but you will survive the rest of your life without your husband by your side.  And the pain and empty feeling will pass.  But now you need to be strong for yourself.  And that means taking care of you,  Do you have friends and family who can help you through the days of grief and sadness?  Are there people who will be able to share your tears and perhaps the occasional smile as you  revisit the memories of happy times you and your husband shared?  You will find those memories more and more comforting as you move through your journey of grief. 

Be good to you.  Eat only the foods you absolutely love.  Listen to the music you shared.  Hole up and binge on mindless T.V.  Read books that are old friends.  My vice is the Good Wife.  I started watching a few weeks ago and am planning to watch the entire series to date on Netflix.  Like you, I am in mourning.  But I'm mourning my husband, who survived a catastrophic stroke and is now approximately 6 years old mentally.  He's still here, except that he isn't.  So I understand your great loss.

And please continue to visit with us. There is always someone here who will understand your pain and be happy to chat - virtually - with you.  We care for each other here, so you have found a new group of supportive and loving friends.

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Reply by schamp3385
21 Feb 2015, 8:12 AM
Thank you oldbat. I am so sorry that you are going through what you have to go through. GIve him extra hugs and kisses!!!  The man you loved is still in there, just maybe not visible. I truly believe that!!!

Sending you hugs right back!!!
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