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Reply by CleaningFrenzy

13 Oct 2015, 5:23 PM

Hi: I really need to thank my daughter for getting me on this site. Thanks for responding , this is a great way to talk to other people who understand what its like losing someone that was your world! Not to say that my kids have not been great they have. I feel like somedays I cant stop crying. The wedding was beautiful, but missing Jack , my best friend made a cuff for my daughter to wear with a locket on it with his picture inside ,so he really did walk her down the aisle... not the way she would want but I did feel like he was a part of it! My daughter and son-law are living with me till their house is ready it actually is nice ,also I look after my granddaughter, sort of scared when I will be actually left on my own it is nice keeping busy! I know they need to get on with their lives too. Thanks again for letting me vent, and all your support responding to me. Tracy (cleaning frenzy).

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Reply by Carlyn

13 Oct 2015, 5:40 PM

Hi again,

The cuff for your daughter made by your best friend with a locket holding her Dad's photo ... this is so beautiful and touching it brings tears to my eyes. You're right, your husband was part of your daughter's wedding. :-)

I'm so happy you have such good things to look forward to and people to be around in coming days and weeks. My family ended up in similar with/for our Mom. It made that first year of her greatest loss pass in a much more loving, open way. It helped her (well, all of us) embrace life and keep moving forward and happy. :-) I know you and your family will have the same or better experience. So much to look forward to for all of you, I'm so happy for you all.

You have a wonderful loving family and friends. I'm very glad you're sharing here. :-) Sending good wishes to all of you :-)

Carlyn

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Reply by CleaningFrenzy

21 Oct 2015, 7:28 PM

Hi Carlyn ; Thanks for your kind words.,somedays are really bad I feel like crying especially when I drive home. I guess knowing my husband will never be there. I am grateful to my family for there support. My Mom still does not feel like she is helping me. I told I never will be the same . I read the book ' I can't stop crying ." great book . Anyways thanks for letting me vent . How are you doing? Cleaning frenzy (Tracy)

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Reply by Carlyn

23 Oct 2015, 3:19 PM

Hi Tracy,

Somewhere I read or someone told me that the first year is the hardest. The first weeks and months especially. I'm glad you read that book and found it good. It can't stop us from crying but at least we know it's normal part of grief when it happens.

It can be hard for our closest loved ones to feel they're helping. Been in both roles with that - watching it and then also being the person causing others to fret. I'm recalling my family and we all had our own relationship with our loved one and grieving was unique in some ways though we all grieved the same person.

Tracy, I wonder if your Mom is wanting to talk with you about her feelings about loss of your husband. He was her son in law so I'm just wondering aloud here and of course could be completely wrong. Do you think it would be helpful for both of you to take a nice walk and just reminisce, share your feelings about him, talk about him together? If you're not up for it yet, don't do it. But I just thought of that and wanted to mention it in case.

I'm doing okay here :-) My Mom's autumn blaze maple tree is huge with bright red leaves. It's nice to see that first thing each morning as it only happens once a year in fall. I'm planning to move and sell this house (I hope). Appreciating her gardens and things I won't see again perhaps this time next year is like a bit of a gift heading into winter. Bit of saying goodbye, again, over here :-) it happens in waves at times :-)

Carlyn

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Reply by Mark99

02 Nov 2015, 6:32 PM

I just posted a piece "Domesticating The Feral Nature of Grief" another exploration of the nature of grief and how it moves with us through our lives as survivors. Holding grief inside hardens it and it becomes unbearable sorrow and sadness. That is why Virtual Hospice and others are so critical to our grief journey.

http://www.bioc.net/blog/2015/10/28/domesticating-the-feral-nature-of-grief

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Reply by CleaningFrenzy

03 Nov 2015, 4:24 PM

Hi ; Going to be tough week it is our anniversary would have been 37 years! My kids remember and are asking me what i want to do that day? I would like to pass that day ,so much can change in a year! Been reading alot on this site ,makes me cry ,but brings comfort knowing everyone is sharing on what i am feeling. Missing him (Jack) so much especially his sense of humor he could get away with saying excatly how he felt in a funny way. My granddaughter talks about him lots which i love . I find people dont bring up his name at all ! Thanks again for the sounding board . Tracy ( cleaning Frenzy)

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Reply by KathCull_admin

03 Nov 2015, 9:57 PM

Hi
Mark99 – I really appreciated reading your blog and the links to the articles. These are things I have been thinking about – for example, “Grief is not a passive state you’re “getting through.” You must find a way to engage it, to sit with it, to mull it over." I don’t want to ‘waste’ time not feeling the grief and sadness – grief needs my time and attention. Another quote from a link on your blog, “In traditional cultures people were often given at least a year to digest a major loss.....Most people today might get a week of bereavement leave, at best, and then everything should be fine."

Tracy Mark99 mentions in his blog that in time past, our grief and loss and pain would be shared with our community. But we are often more isolated now and "people don't bring up his name at all". Jack sounds like he was a wonderful man – having been married to a Newfoundlander I always appreciate a good sense of humor.

But as you both said, this Virtual Hospice community is important and can give comfort because there is a shared understanding.

Mark I know you have already added your words to this thread but Tracy I thought you might be interested in checking it out if you have not already. What are your 3 words to describe our community

Take care

Katherine

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Reply by Mark99

03 Nov 2015, 10:07 PM

Thank you, I found this the other day and though it repeats and reiderates all that we say here and feel what is telling for me is how pervasive and universal these emotions are.

http://www.onbeing.org/blog/living-through-death-love-at-the-end-of-marriage/7989

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Reply by KathCull_admin

17 Jan 2016, 4:22 AM

Hello everyone,
Tracy, you have gone through a number of firsts in the last couple of months. I have been thinking about you.

This was the first Christmas and anniversary since my husband died. My daughter and I decided we did not want to be home and we were able to manage to go away - no tree or decorations. I was just able to put up the wreath on the front door. We married on New Year's eve (because I always wanted to be married on a Saturday morning - and that day worked:) this year, we ended up releasing sea turtles, watching fire works - lots of fireworks - and rather than our usual Chinese food we had seafood. It worked out and I think Henry (my husband) would have approved.

How did you decide to spend your anniversary? Christmas Tracy?

Mark99 I don't know that time ever takes away sadness when usually happy times shared with those we love are spent without them. How do you spend the holiday season?

Katherine

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Reply by CleaningFrenzy

19 Jan 2016, 2:17 AM

Hi Katherine: Thanks for caring, I spent Christmas with family doing the same doing Christmas brunch it was hard . Then we did go away to mountains which would have been my husbands birthday December 28. I took sking lessons with my daughter and skied with my kids and grandaughter, something my husband would have loved. I did a grief support group which really helped ,just like this site where you can vent and tell your story. I did get back to work doing part - time which is good keeping busy.I sometimes wonder if you ever get over that awful feeling of missing your partner ,soulmate, best friend...I guess everything will be a first without them! Tracy

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