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how do I move forward without her. how do I get the images out of my head? 
Started by ames
05 Nov 2015, 12:42 PM

My sister passed away on October 30th from complications from leukemia, she was 38. We were quite optimistic that she would pull through and make it. She actually made it into remission but she passed from multi organ failure. She was my best friend and u was there almost everyday for 2 months while she was in thw hospital and I was there non stop for the last 48 hours of her life and I was there for the last breathe and I can't get that "image" out of my head....images a horrible last way to remember her..
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Reply by KathCull_admin
05 Nov 2015, 4:28 PM

Welcome ames - I am glad you found us.

What a difficult time for you - to go from expecting her to get better and come home to watching her take her last breath. Your much loved sister and best friend. Grief and loss can cause such tiredness and fatigue too. Are you able to sleep and feel rested? My husband died in mid August and I find that my energy is not what it was + I need more down time than I had in the past. I am thinking this tiredness is a mixture of grief and loss as well as the body adjusting - the caregiving you provided for so long has come to an end.

I think it's normal to have that image  of her (would you feel comfortable sharing her name?) because that is the way you last saw her and your loss is so new .

I don't want to be a Pollyanna (or someone who always sees the good in things)but perhaps you can find some comfort in knowing that you were able to be there when she passed - I think of it like accompanying someone to 'the door' - you can't go with them, but you can see them safely through.

You might be interested in checking out these links to Princess Peace who started the thread Loss of my only sister and Marks sister posted to the thread When grief is fresh and feelings are raw

Are there others in your family/friend circle who support you ames?

Katherine


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Reply by Princess peace
06 Nov 2015, 2:19 AM

Hi Ames, 
I am sooooo sorry for your painful loss.  Our stories are very similar as I lost my best friend fabulous sister 8 months ago at the age of 44.  I too lived in the hospital day and overnight and know the images you are talking about.  If you need to talk I am here.  I found comfort in talking to people who shared this unfortunate pain.  Be gentle with yourself.  Our worlds are forever changed and its not easy.  
I understand.
I am here to talk and to listen. 
Monica  
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Reply by ames
06 Nov 2015, 2:00 PM

Thank you for the words of encouragement. Her name was Crystal. No, no matter if I sleep for 6, 10 or 12 hours...I still feel like I only slept for 2 hours. I don't have much family but I do have friends and a wonderful fiance who tries to help me as much as he knows how. Monica, she was my only sibling as well and it's just so hard to face what has happened. 
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Reply by Carlyn
08 Nov 2015, 1:11 AM

Dear Ames,

Welcome. I'm glad you found us.  I am very sorry for your loss of your sister Crystal.  A close sibling relationship is unique in life. I had that with my sister who died. 

It's really good that you have good friends and a wonderful fiance. It's important to have support. People around, even if you're not sure if they're helping, does help a lot. The early days are hardest. It's natural to feel the way you are right now, in my experience.

When you mention not feeling you've rested after sleeping, I wonder if you think talking to your doctor about that might help? Alternatively, there are professionals you can ask here via Ask a Professional.  Getting good rest from sleep was a huge help to me when processing grief and adjusting to deaths of my sister and parents.

My thoughts are with you.

Carlyn
 
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Reply by Princess peace
08 Nov 2015, 6:07 AM

Hi Ames,
Yes it is extremely hard to face and there are many deep emotions that will come and go as time goes on.  Even for myself after 8 months, some days I am ok, other days I am not.  I do not question these patterns anymore and know that it is part of my grief journey.  What has helped me is to write about it and to lean on the supportive people that you can share anything with.  It is very nice to hear you have the support of your fiance.  
You are not alone...
Monica  
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Reply by JennJilks
09 Nov 2015, 12:24 AM

This is a tough time. I don't think it gets any tougher than this, though.

Everytime the images come into your head, force yourself to go back in your mind to a wonderful memory.

Make yourself a memory collage of things that remind you of your sister. Positive things that made her who she was.
She would not want you to remember what is only a small part of her life, her death.
What would she tell you, do you think?
I had the same thing after caring 9 mos. for my father.
Take good care. Deep breathe.  
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Reply by Princess peace
23 Nov 2015, 2:41 AM

Hi Ames,
I hope you are getting some rest.  How are you doing these days? I guess it should be more like how are you coping these days and I hope you are doing as best as one can be.  I never really liked the question of "how are you doing" when someone is going through grief..... so instead just letting you know Im thinking of you. 
Monica
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Reply by ames
26 Nov 2015, 1:22 PM

Hi! I am not sure how I am doing these days. A week ago I put together a "celebration of life" party for my sister as her wishes were to not have a funeral so I felt some of us needed a proper closure. That kept me busy for weeks but now that it is over I am finding it actually more difficult then before. Maybe because I am finding myself less busy? So, I am trying to stay focused on Christmas decorating. I have 4 children and a stay at home mom so i am trying to stay focused on the things they like to do around the Christmas holiday seems to be helping a bit but now I am feeling anxious about what j am going to do when christmas is done. I have complete moments of break down and still find it hard to believe she is even gone. Like in your case princess I can't imagine what life will be in 8 months. Is this my "new life"?
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Reply by Princess peace
26 Nov 2015, 8:54 PM

Hi Ames, 
We have a lot of similarities in our lives. It really is a "double edged sword".  I wanted to be alone a lot (still do) after my sister left this earth yet that gives me too much time to think.  It's almost like I don't know what I want sometimes; just feeling lost, not caring about what I used to care about etc.  I have two children as well that keep me busy but what I have noticed is that Im trying to find things that give me some fire again.  I go through the motions of the day but it's sometimes almost like Im just a shell of what I used to be.  Sounds harsh but I am trying to find some "zing" and it is getting used to a "new" life.  I call this my exploration year to find those things that might give me some joy again.  I have some good days,  I cry, I have bad days, I get angry, I try to find reasons to laugh, and I am trying to accept things will never be the same.  I do find comfort in talking to others that know what this is like...we share a bond of deep loss so I am thankful for this group.   
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