Reading your your post brought tears to my eyes. I lost my husbadn of 30 years at the end of June. I still don't feel the same. Yes, I cry for no reason and it hits me without warning. My husband's favorate holiday was CHristmas. Last year was the worst christmas I and our family have endured. He was in a care center as I was no longer able to take care of him at home. He had been sick for a long time. When we brought him home for hte day he was disoriented. He kept begging for me to bring him home. He didn't even know he was home. He yelled at all our grown children. It was awful.
We decided that we had to do ssomething different this year. SO we are spending Christmas in a cabin the the woods, all 11 of us.
I haven't put up any decorations at home, no tree, no lights, not even a wreath. I just can't. Christmas carols make me cry, christmas lights make me cry.
Nothing is the same, but yet I get through it. I am looking forward to starting a new tradition with my kids and grandkids. I know this year will be hard for all of us, but we will make it.
I used to be very organized with an excellant memory. NOw I can't remember what day it is. I make lists so I can keep everything straight. I worry about forgetting something. I over think everything. It is hard being the only one making decisions. ANd yes it is lonely. But life goes on. I put one foot in front of the other and move on.
It is like being in an ocean in a small boat with out oars or a motor and being at the meircy of the waves and winds. Some days are calmer than others and you think that you are finally drifting to a shore and then a blast of wind hits and you are almost overturned. But somehow the boat stay afloat and I make it through.
It is hard to be strong, but I have found out I am stronger than I thought. I am focassing on what I have now. My children and grandchildren. For now that is enough.
My heart goes out to you. I feel your pain and I do know what it is. Love your daughter and focus on her, she is hurting to, in a different way, but hurting.
Take care and hang on, yo are stronger than you think or even want to be.
vj