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Started by RD
19 Mar 2016, 3:51 AM

My husband of 41 years has been gone for a few months.  I am struggling, trying to figure out how to carry on.  I was married young at 16 and if I had an identity then, I have forgotten what it was.  For the last 41 years its been us.  II feel lost. 
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Reply by KathCull_admin
19 Mar 2016, 11:46 PM

Dear RD
Welcome to our community. How sad for you. It seems to me that the feelings of sadness increase as time goes by. Almost like we are protected by a covering of cotton balls that gradually fall away and leave us feeling cold and hurt as the weeks and months go by.  

I am not sure if you have seen the thread started by MyBlueEyedMan  I lost the man I love.....how do I go on . There you will also meet Xenia, Oldbat and NatR to name a few.

Do you have family or friends who support you RD? 


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Reply by linda*
20 Mar 2016, 9:23 PM

my condolences on the loss of your partner.

I've been a loner most of my life so I can scarcely imagine the hole such a loss must leave.

my heart goes out to you.

for what it's worth,

when my mom was 52 years old,  she took her nurses training.

she worked as a nurse for a decade. 

when she was 60, she learned to drive a car.

for what it's worth .  .  .

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Reply by Xenia
21 Mar 2016, 1:50 AM

Dear RD:

I share your loss of your husband.  Having lost my husband after 59 years one year ago  I understand the loss of your husband.  Also, like you I was married young.  18 and I too questioned my  identity however you do have and did have an identi ty other than just being the wife and if you have children a mother.

I am sure you have many qualities and used them without thinking just as we wives do.  We were the support of our husbands and families and when we lose our loved one we question ourselves as to our identity.  We are many things and in time when the hurt becomes less you will look back fondly on all the things you and your husband shared and realize you do have and did have  an identity that your husband loved you for.  

A quotation from Henry Van Dyke sent to me by a friend helped me through the tough times after losing my husband, John, who passed away 5 days before our 59 years of marriage so I just say I was married 59 years.

The quote is as follows and I trust this will give you some insight to your loss:

Time is slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but those who love, time is an eternity.

 You will receive a lot of help on Canadian Virtual Hospice as I did and everyone on these links share and know the loss of a loved one and are very supportive.  Keep messaging as this is the only way I was able to get through caring for my husband for many months before he passed away.  I turned to CVH when he died and each day I give thanks for the wonderful caring people , whom I now call friends, who took the time out to help me so many times when I felt I was completely alone in the world and no one understood my pain.  My friends on CVH knew my pain and helped me to get to where I am to-day.  

Keep in touch and remember you are with caring friends.  

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Reply by RD
21 Mar 2016, 3:13 AM

Thank you for your responses.  They are comforting.  Yes I have adult children, and grandchildren.  I am not alone.... but I am. 
Since his death, everyday is different to me.  What I thought and felt about losing my husband a few months ago is not the same as today.  I still miss him, I still talk to him and sometimes if I close my eyes I can still remember his arms around me and the smell of his shirt as he hugged me.  I am grateful for the years we had but it was too soon.  We thought we had years yet.

It is nice having someone to talk to, I mean really talk.  To say the things I can't seem to say to say out loud.

Thank you
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Reply by BusyBee
22 Mar 2016, 6:00 PM

so sorry for your loss. I have gone through the grieving process twice. when my second husband passed away I felt like an empty shell going through the motions of the daily activity. I made it through my first year without him. all those old saying like, fake it until you make it, one foot in front of the other, one day at a time gave me some bravery to keep going on. however the nights and first thing in the morning is still very difficult. I know that in time the pain will lessen, but I also don't want it to because some how it keeps me close to him.  My feelings are all over the place. With family support you can level out but no one knows how long it will take. You might consider talking to your doctor if you haven't already.
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Reply by dorms
22 Mar 2016, 7:31 PM

Dear RD- So sorry to hear about your loss. I too lost my husband 8 months ago. I miss him so much & there are days that I wonder whats going to become of me. I dont have any friends here as they moved away after retirement, do have my daughter here & I see her every week & go out for lunch but then I have to come home to an empty house again. I find that I have to take one day at a time. Can't think too far ahead. I'm staying in my home for as long as I can but I've had to learn about doing all the things my husband used to look after. Its like learning to become a new person. And I'm up one day & down the next, sometimes can't believe he's gone. We were married 53 years so its hard to start allover again. I talk to him daily. Imagine his arms around me too. The evenings are hard when you'd like someone to talk to too.  Over the winter I joined an exercise class for seniors & that has helped to get me out of the house two days a week & mix with other people. My husband & I did everything together & that makes it harder to learn to do things on your own. I'm not pushing things but I hope in time I'll gradually find my way. One day at a time. I still break down & have a good cry when I'm feeling lost & down. RD I hope you find some ease on here as everybody is so supportive as they've all lost someone.  

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Reply by RD
23 Mar 2016, 12:09 AM

We seem to be sisters in a club we didn't want to join.  I feel for all of you and appreciate you replies and support. 
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Reply by KathCull_admin
23 Mar 2016, 5:24 PM

Hello everyone,
BusyBee I want to welcome you to the forum. I am glad you found us. Are there people in your life who support you? Are there things you have found helpful in those lonely nights and mornings? I kiss my husband's pillow in the evening. The radio helps in the morning - company.

RD's words were ones I said when my husband died. It felt like a physical thing to me. As though I had stepped over a threshold and was looking on. 

linda* what a great story of reinventing yourself - age is not necessarily a barrier.

Xenia  as always your words bring comfort.
Take care all

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Reply by BusyBee
23 Mar 2016, 8:01 PM

Hi, yes I am completely by my self so I am trying to determine who I really am and to create a new world for myself. When I go out I leave the radio or tv on so it does not feel so empty when I come back. All the best to everyone.
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