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Started by romeroloss
27 Apr 2016, 3:04 AM
I lost my husband last month , i am having a terrible time dealing with this. i feel like i am dying inside without him. he 2as my soulmate my lover and my beat friend i love him so much that i feel dead inside
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Reply by Mark99
27 Apr 2016, 1:05 PM
Romeroloss

I am so sorry for your loss and the heartbreak you are experiencing. I lost Donna, my wife, in 2011 and know what you are feeling. The short answer is, it does get better but to just say that at this time in your life is empty. Allow me to relate my journey. 


On August 7, 2011 at 6pm two or so hours after Donna died in hospice I called a friend to tell him. He said the following. “Do not deny or run from your pain and grief, examine it and live with it. That is the only way to find a way through.” I became an active participant in my grieving and mourning.  

To a point I have adapted. I am doing less of what we did and more of what I do. No I don’t leave my socks on the floor or eat in the living room or not make meals.  I am striving to find my way not our way. But I have not adapted to the loss, the moments of sadness or filling my time with activities.Some days life is about routine to avoid being frozen in the amber of history. A friend is pushing me to avoid isolation, being alone is fine and I frankly enjoy being alone but, isolation is not healthy so I am doing more to fill the time. Making plans with neighbors and friends. Filling the void I’d say. That is not adaption. More like acceptance. It’s like closure which I don’t believe is valid that is denial said pretty. I will or may never adapt but I will accept my life and feelings.


Everyone's grief is different. Grief is like a mix tape playing in the background. It is the sound track of your life. Some turn it off and find a new tape. Others listen to their tape and dance to it or sing or cry or let it play. No matter what it’s my mix tape our mixed tape and my choice and that is key, choose to do something with your grief and pain and hurt. Make something of it. Use it to power through… there is beauty, discovery, love in grief. You are not alone we are all here to help and share. 

I have been writing about this for a few years you may find some help at my blog www.bioc.net/blog There are other entries outside of loss, grief, and mourning. 

Be well, keep coming here to talk. http://widowedvillage.org was helpful during my first year since we all shared the same devestation of loss. 

Mark 

 

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Reply by KathCull_admin
28 Apr 2016, 2:02 PM
Welcome to the forum Romeroloss. I too am sorry for your loss and sadness. Those first weeks and months after my husband died are like a fog to me. Looking back it seems like I was numb most of the time - just went through the motions. When Henry died it felt like I had stepped into another room - the widow room and like you felt dead inside too. As Mark says it does get better, but there is lots in between. 

I am not sure if you have read the thread Alone  by RD. She talks about struggling to figure out how to carry on. 

Do you have family or friends who can support you romeroloss? I think we need both, but it can be difficult to find the balance between being alone and being with others.

Take care
Katherine
 
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Reply by RD
28 Apr 2016, 2:40 PM
I am so sorry for your loss.  While no loss is the same I believe I understand how you feel.  I lost my husband of 40 yrs.  10 months, 25 days and 1 hour ago.  Like you he was everything to me.  I had married young and if I had an indentiy before our marriage it got lost in the "US" and I didn't think I would ever be able to cope.  The last few months have been a journey and yes, time has made it a little easier to live without him. 

I found it interesting that those I thought would be there to help me along the way weren't and those that I hadn't been that close to stepped up to help.  They are good friends now and I wouldn't be where I am today without them.   They invited me to do things and while I didn't feel like it, I somehow knew I needed to, so I went.  Gradually I felt a bit better but I have aways to go too.  I read some books on Grief and talked to a friend that had lost his wife a few years ago.  I tried writing my thoughts down and I also joined Virtual Hospice.  I know it's hard, but try to find things that help you to carry on. 

I am sending you a virtual hug.



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Reply by NatR
02 May 2016, 2:56 AM
My sympathies to you - you are already hearing support and understanding from members 
I hope you will feel safe to say what you feel here.
there are wonderful people who have loved and lost and will encourage you
besr wishes,  you are not alone 
natR 
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Reply by CarolK
27 May 2016, 3:36 PM

Hi. I lost my husband May 1, 2016. He had stage 4  Head and Neck cancer. He had not been eating for a  couple of weeks prior to his passing and he passed away on his way to the bathroom. I tried my best with 911 to revive him but I saw that when help arrived that I had been doing CPR incorrectly and this comforts me that they couldn't revive him. He would have hated being a vegetable. This was one of his greatest fears. At least he died with me rubbing his back begging him to come back. I hope to get some ideas on how to grieve. I was numb for quite some time and I am now experiencing full grief. I can break into tears anywhere and for anything. 
 

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Reply by Mark99
27 May 2016, 4:13 PM
Carol
I am so sorry to read this and learn of your loss. It is heart breaking. You are here and we all share your grief and loss because we’ve suffered it and continue to suffer. There are no short cuts with grief. It is personal. Each and everyone has their own way of experiencing grief and finding answers that are personal to us and our loved one.

On August 7, 2011 at 6pm two hours after Donna died in hospice I called a friend to tell him. He said the following. “Do not deny or run from your pain and grief, examine it and live with it. That is the only way to find a way through.” I became an active participant in my grieving and mourning. That was my key. Attack and understand my loss my grief my memories. 

The following is from a book I am penning about my loss and my grief. I will share it to help you and those here but would hope they are not copied and distributed until the book is completed and published. For now this may serve as a compass for you to find your way. 

"As transient as they are, memories pollute our daily lives, asphyxiating our past, present, and future. Even the simple exercise of sharing memories, intended to refresh our sense of hope, is the fraudulent intimacy of a beggars cup of coins ringing silently on the street. Shared memories are selfies demonstrating life among the living and lacking depth beyond the width of pixel. In the end, these are only moments in time and do not tell the entire story."

"I am powerless over my grief. Through this book I’ve done a searching and fearless inventory of my memories and my grief in order to reallocate the disparate memories of Donna and me to drive life forward. I daily return to the muscle memory of my grief in what I see around my home what I remember and what was done and not done.  All of this feels like shards of bone in her ashes. They are the sharpe edges in my mind that cut me daily. I look at these photos with my eyes and feel the memories with my heart. There was and is no fog of grief. Individually each memory is clear. All these memories and images put into one place opens a door to see what I have not seen."

"Donna loved me into being. I liked what she saw in me. That mirror is lost forever. That self impression is fading without reinforcement. That is not to say I am not whole or complete but I do not see myself. As of yet I do not see what am I, what I’ve become, what I will become. At some point and in some fashion I need to let go of who I thought I was to become who I am. I am not abandoning the past and all that precedes this. I am recalibrating me through the memories."
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Reply by KathCull_admin
30 May 2016, 12:00 AM
CarolK my deepest sympathy to you. Thank you Mark99 for your healing words - that come from your deep loss and grief. I have found as Mark says - there are no short cuts. I found the first few weeks and months were like a blur to me - I ate, slept, talked but have no real memory of what I 'did'. And you are right you become numb. Someone once told me that the numbness is like we are covered in cotton balls and gradually the cotton balls fall away and we feel - often much more intensely.  Be gentle with yourself. 

A resource that I have found helpful is my grief. It was designed by the Canadian Virtual Hospice as well. You might want to check it out. 

Do you have family who support you CarolK?
Katherine 
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Reply by CarolK
30 May 2016, 12:30 AM
Yes I do have family to help KathCull. They all say that I am doing wonderfully but deep down I know that I am not. The pain gets worse day by day. I have joined MYGrief.ca and I hope to learn how to live with my new life.  I have good friends and family but I am pushing them away. I am a shadow of my former self. I laugh, and as you said, I eat and drink but I don't feel things like I used to. I don't know how to explain it any better then that.
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Reply by RD
30 May 2016, 1:40 PM
Hello CarolK.  I am so sorry for you loss.  When I think back to the first 2 or 3 months after my husband died, I remember little.  It was like I was in a fog.  A fog that didn't clear quickly or completely.  Try to stay in touch with friends and family.  I know it is hard, but eventually it will help.  I found sitting with my grief alone in my house unbearable.  It was better to get up and get doing.  I took up walking and still do 8 k a day.  Kicking some rocks along the way didn't hurt either.  Some unlikely friends/supporters helped me out immensely by just asking me to do things which I didn't really feel like do but somehow knew I needed to do anyway.  This is how I coped.  You must find your way, as we all did. Being here is a good too.  I feel I have friends here I can say out loud how I really feel not the pretend "I'm OK" I repeat to those that ask.

Hugs to you CarolK
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