It's been a little while since I've been here, and not a whole lot has changed. I still struggle to get through the days in one piece. May 25th was our 25th anniversary. A day we planned for a long time. We were going to Akumel to renew our vows. This would have been our first vacation since our honeymoon without the kids. It was a very hard day. In the afternoon a package arrived at work. 25 roses, three dozen carnations, a canvas with our names and some special sayings, a diamond eternity ring, and most precious, a four page letter. My husband has been gone seven months. I was floored. He sent us gifts at christmas and flowers for my daughter's birthday, but that was only two months after he passed.
I know his intentions were pure. But these gifts have torn the fresh scab off a very large wound, and I am in anguish again. I have only recently been able to make it through a work day without breaking down at least once. He must have struggled so much - it must have caused a great deal of pain planning these things with the knowledge that he would not be here. I cannot imagine what he went through. Have his birthday coming up next Sunday, and then five days later, my birthday. Those should be a couple of "fun" days. I want to acknowledge his birthday, but don't know how to do that yet.
I have not yet been able to read the letter. I want to desperatly, but since these are his last words to me, I am afraid of the finality of reading it. Once I am done, there will be no more, and that scares me.
This is such a hard process. I do not think I have truly accepted that I will never see him again. When I think about the future, it totally freaks me out. I get a hollow feeling in my stomach and get a very panicky feeling, and my hands shake. I would give my whole world just to have another hour with him. I miss him so very much. I feel very incomplete without him.