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My Brave 
Started by Wingman
11 Dec 2016, 3:35 AM

I think I have lost my brave.
I think the world has become a little too big right now, why am I so small?

Several months ago I was unfailingly I strong. I could handle every curve ball that each day threw. I caught them all with a single  simple fist.....even when they came fast and from left field. 
I could balance and manage everything I was accountable to. I was on my game, I was confident in my strength.

But today, I am small.
My world is too big,
I question my strength.

I want to be who I need to be.
I want to be strong by myself again.
I want to be who they expect.

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Reply by Rock Girl
14 Dec 2016, 1:08 AM

You have captured that feeling so well in your words.  Thank you, because I think I know exactly what you mean.  I have felt the loss of my brave too.  All I can say is that it will slowly come back, maybe not for a while yet, but it will, and then it will be in little fits and starts and sometimes it will disappear again for a while.  

I know, because my brave has been coming back lately.  Thank you for giving me the words to describe it.

Rock Girl 
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Reply by Wingman
14 Dec 2016, 2:37 AM

Thank you Rock Girl.
I am happy to know that the brave may come back.....I think I know it will....but it is an unsettling moment.....I am glad you are finding yours.....I will try to wait patiently.

I like to write my thoughts when I am particularly overwhelmed....I find it is settling for a minute.
It is a safe feeling to be understood.... I'm not much of a talker.

I like your strong name:)

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Reply by BarbieBob
14 Dec 2016, 4:47 PM

I faced exraordinary shock and loss last year that I had to be ready for.  I needed much bravery to endure the hard realities of life and step up to the plate to provide care for my new spouse.  Now I am not very brave.  I am suppressing a lot of grief.  Afraid of Christmas season. Too painful to feel it.  It is helpful to know that others have gone through these experiences and have been able to carry on.
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Reply by Rock Girl
18 Dec 2016, 6:00 PM

Oh Wingman and BarbieBob
I feel for you, and for everyone else who has experienced a loss this time of year.  And of course for myself.  I'm getting better at letting myself cry, and it does feel better afterwards.

I've been losing my brave a lot this past weekend.  I'm becoming aware of the difficult times, when my brave starts to waver.  Friday nights are always tough.  And then Saturday mornings, when I take my Mum grocery shopping and then do my own.  I think grocery shopping is one of the worst for me, which I tend to do on weekends, because one of the things I was able to do for Tyson was to cook for him.  When he started chemo the oncologist explained that it was very important to try not to lose weight through the chemo, and since I love to cook, I made it my mission to cook for my sweetie, and his mission was to eat it.  He enjoyed his meals right up to the end, even though it was exhausting for him to sit up and eat by then.  Now when I am grocery shopping I often find I get that whumpf feeling in my chest when I am standing looking at food in an aisle.  No one particular aisle, it just seems like I have to experience that whumpf every time I go grocery shopping.

I journal often, and that seems to help.  And I remind myself to be grateful for what I have, despite the giant hole in my heart.  And I have others to cook for, and to sing for, despite not having my one.

What does losing your brave feel like?  For me it is an overwhelming bodily weariness, where every step feels like I am trudging through deep sand.  All I can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other, and eventually it gets easier again.  Phew!

Rock Girl 
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Reply by KathCull_admin
18 Dec 2016, 10:09 PM

Hello everyone
Wingman it was so good to read your post. Believe it or not I had been thinking about you a few days earlier.  Your words so eloquently express what many feel.  You may feel small but your words are big. 
Rock Girl I am glad your brace is coming back. Mine too - although it can get shaky unexpectedly but now it feels for me more like bending not breaking.
BarbieBob welcome to the community.  this is a safe place to unburden yourself. I know there can be constraints in who to talk to and what to say. i hope you will find that here. 

I am am not able to attAch a link here but could I ask if any of you are able - to check in on a post by Wildose 'His birthday is today'? She started it yesterday evening and it is the the I am living with loss and grief forum' - right beside this one. 
I wish you all warmth and hope this December.
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