Discussion Forums

It's still so surreal... 
Started by LostNakedAndAfraid
09 Feb 2017, 10:12 PM

Has it really been almost 10 months? It has felt more like 10 years, but really...10 months? Time is so very cruel! I lost the very reason of my being/love of my life/best friend to cancer in April 2016. I still remember things about when I knew he was in trouble when he was discharged after a surgery that was supposed to help him while dealing with 1 of 3 cancers that he had at 42. I remember the "ghosts" of the day when the ambulance came to take him to the hospital, I remember the conversation I had with his very best long distant friend who told me the worst case scenario and only to have it being confirmed with his doctor. I remember the confusion on his face because the cancer in his lungs and bones had metastisized to his brain, and the fear on my part if he knew who I was. I remember the two weeks following, just like it was yesterday, and ultimately, the exact second he passed as I felt his soul pass through/hold my hand as he took his last breath. I remember everything...

In these 10 months, I have had to put on the "suit of armor" as I was thrown into becoming the Administrator of his estate- making several calls to the government, finding a place to stay, cutting off toxic relationships with people who I thought were friends...it's funny hmm, not funny haha, how death shows you who the true people in your life are. How things that seemed so important and all consuming become just the tiniest fragment of worry in your new journey in this grief. I took to drinking for almost every day that he has been gone, knowing full well that the answer is never going to be at the bottom of the bottle. How I've had to pick and choose who I share my thoughts and feelings with, so as not to be judged or looked upon as a burden. 

My mind does have good days where it only sees the good days and the awesome times we had together...we were quite the comedic couple. But my God- he was so SMART!!! Smart, witty, funny...but the rest of the time I feel stuck in the bad times (hospital) and remember the face of death. He did have some clarity near the end, and that sense of humor came shining through as brilliant as ever.

Every day I question his passing, because as smart as he was (or maybe I'm only seeing it now), he thought I didn't know certain things about his condition, even though we had a talk about it the 2nd time he was diagnosed (my first time with him).

Yesterday I posted for the very first time and had the biggest, most fiercest cry since he passed. I believe it was my body's way of saying "It's okay to stop being so strong. You can release now", as we all know that boulders do crack and crumble, they can't be solid and strong forever. I can't even count how many times I've had mini breakdowns at work, or out with friends...how many people I've had to walk away from because of their ignorance. Not a single day passes by where he is ever far from my mind, but it's the selfishness of wanting him to be with me or me with him physically that eats me up so much. I know this isn't possible, just as I know that he lives within me through memories.
It still hurts. It's still so surreal... 
Report this post      
Reply by Hobeck
15 Sep 2017, 1:10 AM

your post struck a cord with me, especially the 'suit of armor' phrase. thats me probably all the time but even more so now.
Also toxic friends. I thought i had a dear, life long friend but when you get an emoji sad face as a response to when i tell her my Dad's funeral is taking place then not one message or email for 2 weeks, i think its time to say goodbye. 
yes completely surreal. Everyday life just goes on like nothing happened. it feels cruel.
I hope youve found some amount of comfort or serenity since you posted
Report this post      
Reply by LostNakedAndAfraid
15 Sep 2017, 2:24 AM

Hello Hobec,

I have found some peace since this post, but just enough to be able to accept that he is at peace now. I still have sad days, but I have no regrets with some of the friendships that I've had to dissolve. As he was an only child, I still remain in contact with his mom and see her every chance I can. I miss him everyday as I always will, and the waves have definitely subsided in their frequency, but still substanial in height. I smile when I hear a song he played often with tears in my eyes of all the fond memories and love that we shared, both known and in secret on his behalf.

There is some truth in the saying that we never fully stop grieving, and that we learn to live with grief; that we find a new way to cope with the loss of a loved one. I can't even count how many times I shook my head at this idea and how angry it made me feel, and never thought that I would actually get to the point I am at to fully acknowledge these words that have been spoken countless times over.

My heart and thoughts are with you as you go through your loss as well.  Anytime you need to talk, myself and countless others are here to lend you a shoulder and an ear ❤️

Report this post      
Reply by angie49
11 Jan 2018, 9:15 AM

i did not read your comments. because my mind refuses it. i am losing my reason to live. it's 04h12 in the morning, but, sleep does not come. My son says time to sleep dad  but i cannot. it's been 4 days now. Damn i'ts hard.
Report this post      
Reply by LostNakedAndAfraid
11 Jan 2018, 4:57 PM

Hello angie49,

Firstly, allow me to offer you my condolences during this difficult time. Secondly, I'd like to say that I am sorry that you are having issues with sleeping. Losing a loved one is definitely hard- I still have days where I am enveloped by my husband's pasing.

Please know that you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings in your grief. You mentioned that it's been 4 days- is that since you've slept or since they passed?

I can only speak from my experience as everyone grieves differently, but the common part of grief is that it is always the most intense in the beginning, and my beginning lasted almost 10 months. I find now that the only time I start having the inability to sleep is when it gets closer to his D.A.

Please continue to write- there are a lot of supportive people on this site. I was where you are now, and if I hadn't have shared my story that day, I probably wouldn't have been here today if it wasn't for the incredible amount of love, understanding and support, thanks to the people and admins that are here.

My heart is with you...please stay strong, even though it's hard.

Report this post      
Reply by Marka
30 Jan 2018, 1:59 AM

It's been 2 months and 9 days since I lost my wife of 38 years. We met at 18 years of age. I understand anxiety and panic and loneliness. I understand being angry that she left me alone here and how little sense that makes. I understand how alcohol can quickly stop the pain and anxiety and the guilt and loss of control you feel afterwards. I understand the passing of time is at a snailspace. Unfortunately we had no children. I have only a little white dog. I have some good friends that mean well, but it only passes time. They don't want to see or talk about grief. But they are the good ones. My three siblings are worse. I've found my filter is gone and they don't like what I say. I suspect you've had some similar things with relationships. I read some posts here about people still greaving after 10 years. I need to adjust or I won't make it that long. Sharing my thoughts is the only support I can muster currently.You're not alone and seeing similar experiences and feelings makes me realize that it's not me losing my mind. Courageous people are sympathtic and empathetic even if it makes them uncomfortable. That's the mark of people with good character. There are good ones out there. It's just shocking that they are not who you thought. Such is human nature. We must try to take care of ourself and ignore the negative for now. We have enough on our plate.
Report this post