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How do you know "when"? 
Started by LostNakedAndAfraid
03 Mar 2017, 5:41 PM
I have been pondering this question since the last time I had posted. It almost feels like you're in the eye of the storm on raging waters so to speak- where you're in that quiet calm after braving and fighting through what you thought was the worst of it with every ounce of strength that you have mustered to get you where you are and watching the "disaster" ahead of you, knowing that you still have to fight through it for an undetermined amount of time with strength that you don't know if you have anymore. 

After posting everything that I've held back for 10 months that ate me up inside, I was shown a path, not quite without obstacles, but a path nonetheless that showed me a light around the bend with a sense of peace and how to navigate towards it.

I don't know if it's because there are still things left to do or if it's the fact that his deathiversary is next month, but I've hit an obstacle called "guilt", and I really hate referring to guilt as such. I felt better for about 2 weeks and up until recently while on vacation, my mind decided to unravel all the thoughts and memories and placed all of the last moments in the forefront again, as if it were to show me that there is something that I'm supposed to figure out with it, similar to a jig-saw puzzle. This is the first time I've taken a trip alone without my beautiful partner in crime; the first time since he's passed that I've done something for myself where one has "moved on" and is attempting to look at life through the eyes that he would want me to have. This is something I'm am fighting with as I know, not for certain however, that there is life after death and that you can still honour the person you have lost while living in your life path by yourself. So then why does it feel like cheating?  How do you know when you can allow yourself to feel open enough to let someone else in if you were to? I'm in no rush to jump into a relationship as I am terrified to lose another person that I would want to be with me, walk with me and hold my hand until the end of our lives. I see things in a different light now, where I am actually able to listen to and read the unsaid story between the lines. 

I know that once I can come to terms with it, I will be able to walk a little faster, breath a little easier and love a little longer with him in my heart, and that it will be okay. Out of the circle of support that I do have, it has gotten considerably smaller. I have a very strong trust issue with people, and I think that is part of the reason why I haven't reached out to join a physical support group, even though the commonality is there of everyone going through the same if not similar situation as you are. The fact that I write here is a huge step in itself for me.

If only these waters would stop being so choppy where I don't lose my footing and if the winds would calm enough so that my tired arms can manage the sails...how do you know when you can manage everything that had to do with their life in the end without being on autopilot or "marching orders" and "just be" in the life you're left to live alone?

Much love,
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Reply by Wingman
04 Mar 2017, 1:50 AM



The following is a quote I hold close.....

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through,

how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over.

But one thing is certain......

.....when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person who walked in."



I don't think its a matter of WHEN.

For me, I have made many big changes. I could not explain exactly why....but I knew that I could not remain the same. I was surprised by this and it has definitely been an adjustment with both pros and cons. I understand your use of the word "guilt". I think if I move on.....that means that I have also "left behind". Like you, this is not something I am willing to do. I hear people saying it, and I hear of people doing it.....but im not sure that there is a "line" involved.


I think that a change that rattles you to your core involves a change in "self".....in who your are and in how you live. I think that the "coming to terms", the "acceptance" they speak of is more of learning a new way to live. You adapt, you make allowances and I suppose this is where your sense of peace may come in. Peace with yourself in choosing the changes.

Me, I cannot let go of what I have lost. I am not interested in doing that.....I choose to hang on tight to what little I have left. While I think I am more ...adapting...to this new world...others will say I am not accepting.

These are difficult places to be, and I for one, respect the individual journey. It is dishearteneng to hear.....you need to move on....you need to find peace.

Being brave enough to recognize and accept that you are a changed person though, and you adapt to whats ahead while hanging on to whats behind........here I hope is where one finds a degree of security, by balancing the two worlds.

thinking of you.

continue to write.


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Reply by Carlyn
18 Mar 2017, 1:46 AM

I'm reading to catch up a bit here. Have been away from the boards for a bit.

Wingman, it's good to read your words and learn how you're doing.

You both write so clearly about the intricacies of this experience. Reading your words, my head begins to nod and I recognize it all so well.

I'm years the other side of losses but mine were different than both of yours - a sibling and our parents eventually - which I know is not the same as a partner. The losses hit hard though for various reasons and I was there at the end, alone with each one mostly.

LNAF, as you said, I have trust issues as well and understand how hard it is. This place is safe and good i've found.

As for WHEN - there was no definitive when for me either. It just evolved over time. I was my sister's person for all her life and then my parents for some years.

Grief feelings genuinely were like waves. Some hung around a while, some came and went.  It's a process and the only thing I know for sure that helped me was self care (whatever that means to each person is different) and getting near nature or in it even if only for brief bits of time here and there. And most of all, time. It's the most annoying thing to hear or read I know but really, time eventually gets us where we need to be the most.

I'm sorry for your losses, both of you.

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Reply by Ora
11 Aug 2017, 2:05 PM
Thank you for your posts. I am only 6 weeks into living without my soul mate. Sleep has also been lost to me and I find comfort in reading these posts. It's just feeling the connection with others. One of the people who gave a tribute to my husband at his memorial service said a phrase that I have repeated over and over to myself and maybe you may find it helpful. He said how much he had enjoyed my darling's company over the years and that now he would be present to his spirit. Present to his spirit. I find tha a very comforting concept, it says I too can do something to stay connected in this very different way. There is nothing I feel I can do about missing him so much physically, the house is bleak and empty. When I was in the car today I kept stroking my own knee to pretend he was still sitting beside me. Takes a lot of learning to be present to his spirit, but it's what I want to do.
my heart goes out to you too..
i don't know what my user name is....I signed on about a year ago when my husband was very ill. I thought it would be a slow decline, but suddenly six weeks ago, he got up from our dinner table and an hour later it was over.
Wotever my name is. 
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Reply by Ora
11 Aug 2017, 2:05 PM
Oh, I see it is Ora.
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Reply by Carlyn
11 Aug 2017, 4:42 PM
Dear Ora,

My heartfelt condolences on your loss. Present to his spirit is beautiful. 

Sending you comforting thoughts of support. Please know you are not alone.

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