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Learning to accept my loss 
Started by LostNakedAndAfraid
10 Jul 2017, 8:07 PM

Hello all,
It's been a while since I last posted anything as I've had a lot to deal with in the last few months.

With the anniversary that was coming up for the loss of my boyfriend (husband in my eyes) that had passed in April of last year, I suffered another blow of loss that came very sudden and unexpected. My youngest brother who was only 30 years old, who suffered from depression, had passed away from suicide at the end of March this year. 

With the arrangements to be made for him and now grieving harder than I have ever physically and mentally been able to withstand, I also had to undergo surgery and assist my mother with legalities and be the emotional support system for her, while still trying to separate my emotional process of grieving. I don't know if that makes me sound petty or selfish, but I found myself being quite angry with her as she wasn't very supportive when I lost my husband. 

It's been a whirlwind of trying to sort out my grief and emotions with these losses so close together for me, as I was just starting to come to accept my first, and I still struggle with everyday. It wasn't until this passed Friday that I had decided to take off my ring, as to me this was a symbol to be able old on to him after over a year of him being gone. I've also just recently moved into my own apartment (surrounded by everything we had accumulated together) after living with a friend who also understood my situation as she had also lost her husband over 10 years ago. With reality setting in that my husband is not going to be walking through the door anymore, not coming to our bed and cooking now only for one, he will live forever in my heart. I will always have the memories of our time together which still happen everyday, and I have come to the conclusion to myself that for him to be truly at peace, it was time to "let him go". It's not to forget him by any means, but to continue to have strength and inner peace to go through another process of grief and deal with the loss of my brother. I am looking for a support system/group for this as well. Thank you for reading :)
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Reply by KathCull_admin
11 Jul 2017, 1:12 PM

Dear LostNakedAndAfraid
Good to hear from you again. I was just rereading your February post - you have done a lot of work in times that have been very difficult. 

You may have already found a support system but I see from your profile you are from Winnipeg. There is an organization Palliative Manitoba which offers monthly support groups - one of them for people who are grieving. 

There will be more first anniversaries this year without your brother. Back in February you mentioned finding who the 'true people' are in your life. Are those people still part of your life now that you have moved? 

Take care LNAA
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Reply by LostNakedAndAfraid
11 Jul 2017, 2:48 PM

Hi Katherine,

Thank you for your response, and for the info about Palliative Manitoba, but I am curious to know if that also applies to survivors of suicide. Otherwise, I only write here when I need reassurance and get outside of myself to help others :).

With regards to the "true people" in my life since my move, one of them was my youngest brother, so I find it hard still to wrap my mind around that he's not here and that I don't have my "blunt but honest" sibling to tell it like it is. His birthday was in June, just 4 days before my husband's, and his scattering ceremony on the same weekend as my husband's annual birthday camping weekend (double the emotional rollercoaster).

I have since found it hard to trust anyone as I feel that they have their own agenda on wanting or trying to take advantage of my situation while praising me for being "so strong", and that I feel like I am just "floating" by in life with no real purpose or direction...so basically back to square one but now completely on my own and trying to find myself again. 

Thank you again for your response :)
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