Welcome Anderm1985,
Please accept my condolences to you and your family.
This is a safe place with many experienced, kind people to support you during this time. I'm sorry for the circumstances but glad you've found us.
We share similar experience in loss. Mine was 10 years ago. Like you, the feelings which arose during the early months following death were hard to bear. In my family, siblings and I found these waves of up and down very concerning. The worry that we were not handling things well was present for each of us. Ultimately, two of us independently consulted a mental health provider. In both cases we learned we were having normal response and experiencing grief.
I share this because we each suffered alone in our feelings and didn't share until much later how it had been. Even then, we shared little. I believe it would have been easier to get through if we had communicated with each other regularly even if just to connect to find out what weather was doing. If this isn't possible, outside support makes it easier to endure and less painful.
That was a bit of a ramble but it felt important to share in case something in our experience is of use to ease your worry and sorrow a bit. What you're feeling is normal but it is not easy. Anger is valid part of grief. It's not fun. Is there any activity you do to help burn some of it off? Or is there time for that? My siblings have children and for them it was a lot to manage both their grief and the kids worries and grief too.
take your time here, write to vent or ask questions or anything which helps. I'm sending good thoughts to you and yours.
Carlyn