My Dad was my best friend my whole life...not in a strange way, i had friends but he was always there for me, through everything. every sorrow, break-up, failure as well as every sucess. He was home for me. And now hes gone and I feel so lost and alone. I cant speak to anyone about it, no one understands.
I emigrated a few years ago to Canada so when we found out suddenly he had only weeks left we (myself, husband and 2 little kids) flew back. I wasnt there to hold his hand when he died and ill never forgive myself for that. He needed me and i abandoned him.
My husband is away working a lot so i have been dealing with this alone. I dont have close friends or any family here that i could just call up and talk to. I cry when my kids are asleep and even when my husband is home i dont grieve in front of him as i feel i cant. the few times i have cried he got uncomfortable and tries to make me laugh and then changes the subject.
i feel like i never got to grieve properly because i had to take of of everything and stay strong. Im usually very self-reliant and practical, like my Dad, dont ask for help often. Everytime i let myself think of my Dad and that he really is gone forever i cant take the overwhelming despair so i shut it out. But that leaves me wracked with guilt because he truly was an amazing person and should be remembered always.
I'm angry all the time and nobody asks me ever if im ok...as if i should be done with grieving now, it doesnt even enter their heads to ask. Everyone else has moved on so I should have too.
its my birthday soon, the first without him. He was the only one who ever sent me a card or made me feel special.
i reached out for counselling but my appt. is over 2 months away...not really sure what to do...my Dad would know