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I lost 'my person' 8 months ago 
Started by Hobeck
15 Sep 2017, 12:51 AM

My Dad was my best friend my whole life...not in a strange way, i had friends but he was always there for me, through everything. every sorrow, break-up, failure as well as every sucess. He was home for me. And now hes gone and I feel so lost and alone. I cant speak to anyone about it, no one understands. 

I emigrated a few years ago to Canada so when we found out suddenly he had only weeks left we (myself, husband and 2 little kids) flew back. I wasnt there to hold his hand when he died and ill never forgive myself for that. He needed me and i abandoned him.
My husband is away working a lot so i have been dealing with this alone. I dont have close friends or any family here that i could just call up and talk to. I cry when my kids are asleep and even when my husband is home i dont grieve in front of him as i feel i cant. the few times i have cried he got uncomfortable and tries to make me laugh and then changes the subject. 

i feel like i never got to grieve properly because i had to take of of everything and stay strong. Im usually very self-reliant and practical, like my Dad, dont ask for help often. Everytime i let myself think of my Dad and that he really is gone forever i cant take the overwhelming despair so i shut it out. But that leaves me wracked with guilt because he truly was an amazing person and should be remembered always.

I'm angry all the time and nobody asks me ever if im ok...as if i should be done with grieving now, it doesnt even enter their heads to ask. Everyone else has moved on so I should have too.
its my birthday soon, the first without him. He was the only one who ever sent me a card or made me feel special. 
i reached out for counselling but my appt. is over 2 months away...not really sure what to do...my Dad would know
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Reply by Wingman
24 Sep 2017, 2:54 AM

Good evening Hobeck.

I have an understanding of struggling alone. I know the feeling of knowing, and of feeling, and of not sharing.
Isolation seems to compound our complex array of emotions when we find ourselves in a place of a terrifying unknown.
Here, on Virtual Hospice....you can find a safe place to be.....to feel.....to struggle with understanding that which can not be understood.
Trying times create our person.
In my thoughts,WM
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Reply by Positive Love
16 Oct 2017, 11:04 PM

I am sorry for your loss. I loss my mom this year and she was my everything. I have a wonderful husband, children and other supporting family, but it's just not enough. My mom was all of those and more to me. That's why she was my everything. I talked with her everyday and at least 30 minutes a night. My mom died in the hospital. I lived right by there but I chose not to be there when she took her last breathe because I knew she didn't want me to. It was hard seeing her alive and suffering like that. So it would of been harder for me seeing her struggle to take her last breathes. My mom was very protective of me and wanted me shields from things. She even made them keep me in a room while my brother was dying on the sofa in our home. As bad as you miss your dad and I miss my mom. I am glad she doesn't have to suffer anymore. When I get to thinking back of how sickly she was alive. My mom blocks it with a healthy view of her. I KNOW SHE IS FINE. Your father is fine. I don't know if you are religious, spiritual or not. Just ask for a sign he is alright and still around. You have to really be open and pay attention. Look for change keep appearing, butterflies, his name pop out when you least suspect. My mom keeps leaving pennies. Pennies in my seat when I return. Pennies on the front porch step. Pennies on my bed when I come from bathroom lol. They are in a better place which we shall see them again.
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