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Anger and hostility 
Started by Tonto
17 Jan 2018, 5:55 PM

My husband has recently been told his cancer has metastized to his liver, so a resection to "cure" his pancreatic cancer is no longer an option. Previous to this scan he had 6 folfirnox chemo treatments but they had no effect on shrinking the mass. During the treatments he has become even more forgettful than normal and is downright ugly when he cannot find something. Right after his diagnosis we decided I would NOT touch any of his meds or papers or anything of importance he needed for appointments or treatment. The least week have become a nightmare of constant bickering about where things are, even foodstuffs in the fridge. The oncologist and I have mentioned "chemo" brain, but he insists his head is even clearer since the chemo started. I feel like I am starting to lose my mind and between the tears from this new prognosis and this negativity I despair of how we are going to manage. Has anyone else had this situation arise during treatment?
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Reply by NatR
20 Jan 2018, 1:01 AM

Hello Tonto,
thanks for posting your questions and your frustrations
i cannot give you personal advice as I have not walked in your shoes - I do hope that someone else will add to this thread and offer their input 

frankly as a former Psw /caregiver, your situation sounds “frustratingly normal” for what you are going through 

I can only say that you are dealing with so much, you are the level headed one, you are getting the brunt of your husbands anger and frustration because you are close to him - and although it’s difficult to do - biting your lip, counting to ten, walking away for a minute - will help keep things calm 

i hope you can figure out a way that works for you
you are always free to write your concerns here / a journal of sorts to get it all out

hardly helpful I am afraid - but I can feel your dedication, your concern,  and I know your husband isn’t making any of this easy for you.... he is dealing with a lot too

so I apologise for not having good answers / sometimes there aren’t any really good answers - but you aren’t alone - you aren’t unheard.

plesee write back when you can and let me and others reading this how things are going.  That’s what it’s all about - listening, supporting and encouraging

you will never regret doinb this - you have my thoughts tonight and I send you a hug 🤗 via this format
NatR 🌷
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Reply by Tonto
24 Jan 2018, 5:13 PM

We are meeting with a home care nurse to discuss a palliative care plan. My spouse just started the first of 9 chemo treatments yesterday to try and shrink the liver mets to make him more comfortable. Our children are trying so hard to be positive and I encourage them in spite of my dread that thi disease will win. It's really hard to cope but I have friends and family to help. One day at a time is really tough to do.
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Reply by NatR
24 Jan 2018, 11:48 PM

Dear Tonto,

yes it is hard - no doubt about it.  When you hear the words palliative care you need  to remember that it focuses on your husband the patient.  It is all about his needs being met, his comfort and quality of life. 

I know it is hard for your children as much as yourself.  You are in my thoughts and I hope you will feel some comfort being supported by the nursing staff.  You are needed by many and also need to conserve your strength to keep the whole family going.
feel free to write with updates, thinking about you and your loved ones as you go through each day
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