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Just Don't Know Anymore 
Started by barbcurt
13 Jan 2019, 8:11 AM

I don't know how this works but I figured I would start with a brief history.  It has been only 3 months since my wife passed. We were together for 28 years and one month to the day.  We spent pretty much every moment of this time togeter.  We would not even go out for fast food wiithout eadh just so we could enjoy each others company.  Her passing has devistated my life.  
I find many things so difficult to deal with.  During the summer, I spent my vacation days taking every Friday off so we could have long weekends together at our trailer at a local rsort.  The last summer she spent most of it at camp and I commuted.  It does make me truly happy that she had that enjoyment even though I had to work and could only be there on weekends.  Truly, her happiness was all that mattered to me.
Since her passing I have not had one day where I have not cried.  Not just tears, but sobbing.  Sorry, I am doing it now.  She was everything that meant anything in my life.
During the fall and winter months, when our camp was closed for the season, we were together as much as possible.  She was truly my best friend.  We would do everything together.
It is mid january now and I am still reeling.  I am not sure how preparing camp for the upcoming season will go but i know it will be difficult without her.  So many things are.
I just miss her so much.  The loss is truly devistating.
I am glad I found this forum as the information truly helped.  I hope to report at some future date that things have improved but will let you know.  People say talking about it helps so thank-you for listening.
One day at a time with reluctant acceptance.  The pain will continue but be dimished by plesant memories.  I miss my love but we will be together again.
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Reply by NatR
14 Jan 2019, 8:39 PM

Dear barbcurt,

i am am so sorry to read your story and hear about the loss of your wife and partner.
you are welcome to write whatever you wish, as sharing your story does help get through the hard times and also you will find others who know exactly how you feel.

its a hard hard place to be in, but I know that the love and relationship you had for so very long - was a good and beautiful thing.

how to understand why life happens is not anything we can figure out / but how to move on afterwards is very important

please know now that the members of the forum although we have quiet times on the message board, we are real people who have all experienced loss and difficulties.

i hope there will be other responses to encourage you and help you move at your own pace to keep living your life one day at a time 

i myself have not lost a spouse but I have lost loved ones in my life, and I hope my response let’s you know - we do care

it’s a hard journey but I hope you will find encouragement and a way to live one day at a time  through the messages 
is there any kind of group available to join in your area? Sometimes hearing and meeting those who have suffered loss just like you - is a very important way to move forward- but it’s not the only way

do lean on your friends and family members and reach out when you feel alone and need to talk

I think it’s a good thing that you are already trying to plan for the coming summer, and although it is unknown to you right now, it is a great first step -

we we don’t have guarantees in life, all we have is this day.  I hope this doesn’t sound like a sermon - I don’t want it to - just want you to take on today, and then tomorrow as it arrives.  

We live, we love, and we yearn for connections- and we grieve those we lose
please give yourself a virtual hug from me, and know that the tears are normal - and you are not alone
please write more as you feel you can 
sending you warm wishes from my snowy winter corner 
natR 🌼

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Reply by DivineLife
07 Feb 2019, 5:05 AM

NatR - That was a beautiful message and so true.

As a grief coach and someone who has lossed loved ones in my life - oh the pain... I remember it and live it everyday.

Barbcurt, I know this may sound a little weird, but it’s okay to cry! It usually sounds so weird to people when it’s first said to them - but when they truly think about it - the validation about that uncontrollable sobbing that happens everyday is actually truly comforting. Somewhere in us we feel like that is not allowed, or we feel crazy for not being able to control it. 
It is so very much okay. Let it out every day. Feel it everyday. And let it guide you on your grief journey. Emotions from grief are not meant to be bottled up. They are not meant to be dealt with alone.
So I am sooooooo happy to see you in this group - reaching out - sharing and expressing. It so so so important right now. Just keep doing exactly what you are doing. Just keep walking. Just keep talking. Just keep reaching out. Just keep doing whatever it is that you need to to right now.

This new world is not comfortable right now, and every feeling and emotion that comes with that is valid. The “lake” (cause that is what we called ours) doesn’t have to be solutioned today. It can wait till another day - and when that day comes - we will all be here for you to do it together with you.

If you ever need to chat, or an online support group [link to personal for-profit website removed by moderator].
Chat soon. Keep us with you on your journey.
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Reply by barbcurt
08 Feb 2019, 12:56 AM

NatR - I apologize for not replying earlier to your post.  I tried many times but each time I could not find the words and kind of went to pieces.  To have you repond so soon after my post gave me hope in a time of need.

I appreciate the replies I have received from both of you.  Knowing you are there and your messages do help. 

I am still quite emotional and do have difficulty.  I try to 'maintain' when talking with family, friends, and coworkers.  When I am alone however, things are different.  I am glad to hear it is okay to cry because tears cannot be stopped.  I try to remember 'good times' which helps mitigate the pain of the moment albeit only a little.  I try to smile when I have a small victory.  Making a dish the same as she did, keeping the house clean as she did, basically doing things the same as she did.  It hurts terribly remembering the loss but I feel it 'honours' her with each small victory.

It is definately a new world.  One I did not ask for nor ever want but I have no choice but to endure my grief and hope some day that it will be managable.  Moving forward one day at a time is all I can do.  I miss my wife and love her so much.

I thank you both for listening.
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Reply by NatR
08 Feb 2019, 1:18 AM

Dear Barbcurt,

i appreciate your reply - doesn’t matter what the time frame is... no need to do anything til you feel like writing it.
your pain is raw, your feelings are deep, your emotions are all over the map.

please post again if and when you feel you can, just like this time.  There are no rules for recovery and I am sure everyone goes through their own unique journey, and understands

be well, be good to yourself, write when you are able.  Do just what is right for you :)
sending you a virtual hug from a stormy snowy night in northern Ontario... hoping you will feel the friendship extended by myself and others on this discussion board
Baby steps my friend, baby steps

best wishes,
NatR ❤️ 
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Reply by DivineLife
08 Feb 2019, 2:30 AM

NatR is totally right. Little steps at a time. And there is always someone there for you. Us, Friends, Family.

There is no pressure to write at all. Write when you can with whatever you are feeling. 
Be patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself. One day the tears will come every second day, then every third.
A grief trigger will always be hard - but eventually they will happen less often. 

I love that you celebrate those small victories and I would love if you shared them with us when you are ready.

Big Hugs.
Megan - Divine Life. 

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Reply by barbcurt
08 Feb 2019, 2:50 AM

Thank you both so much.  Your support means a lot. 

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Reply by NatR
08 Feb 2019, 3:37 AM

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Reply by DivineLife
08 Feb 2019, 2:41 PM

Always! 🤗❤️
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Reply by barbcurt
23 Mar 2019, 6:09 PM

Hi again.

I am usually an extremely private person but powerful grief can change things.  Inspired by a fellow contirbutor, I have decided to show you the start of a journal I have started for my own benefit.  I keep it on my computer and will keep adding to it.  I don't know if I will share more but this is a start and I hope it will help someone..

"Stuff I say"

Please forgive any spelling mistakes.  I had to remove my glasses, you will understand.

Moving forward, one of my many visits to the website http://www.virtualhospice.ca has led me to write this.  A fellow contributor experiencing grief had indicated that writing things down had helped her.

If you choose to visit the website my post is titled “Just Don’t Know Anymore”.  At the time I thought this was an apt title.  Still, now, at the time I am writing this it is still quite accurate. 

My loving wife, Barbara, passed on October 15, 2018.  This is exactly twenty-eight years and one month to the day when we met.  As cliché as it may sound it is absolutely true. the moment we met we fell in love.  I have loved her with all my heart since that moment.  We had a wonderful life together and spent every moment we could in each other’s company.  I mean this literally.  We would do everything together.  We enjoyed each other’s company and cared so deeply for each other.  That is part of the reason our parting is so difficult.

Over the past months, I have frequently visited the virtual hospice and read articles submitted by follow members dealing with similar circumstances such as my own.  Too their credit, they are a caring group of people who seek solace sharing with each other.  For this, I am eternally grateful.  It is this spirit that helps me in my time of need.  Visiting the site, unfortunately, is only a temporary reprieve from the pain that infiltrates my every day life.  Temporary but very needed and welcome.

To continue with my journal, I am writing this Saturday March 23, 2019 around 1:30 pm (just incase I have more entries…I don’t know).  Currently, I am having a moment.  Those who experience them know what they are, uncontrollable ‘moments’ of grief, crying, sadness, and depression.  It is this current moment that I have chosen to document the events as suggested.

At this point, I don’t know what more to write.  I hope if you read this that you realize you are not alone.  It is a terrible and extremely painful part of our life when we lose the one we love most.  I have prayed aloud for help and comfort.  I tell my wife, ‘You are my soul mate and I miss you with all my being.  Even though we are apart at this time, we will be reunited, and become whole again.’  I know she will greet me when it is my time.  Until then I have no choice but to endure.  Your kindness inspires me and helps me keep going."

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