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Feeling so Alone 
Started by CarlaVB
05 Feb 2019, 8:22 PM

Hi. I’m new to the site, still working through it!
I lost my husband Nov. 2018, after a 15 month battle with cancer.
i have signed up for grief counseling, but not in till May.
we have no children together, and my family is a couple hours away.  
I think about moving closer, so I’m not so alone, but told to take time to grieve first.
thanks for sharing  
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Reply by Simone Stenekes (Simone@virtualhospice.ca)
07 Feb 2019, 6:58 PM

Hello CarlaVB,


We are sorry to hear about your husband’s recent death from cancer.


The feeling of loss can be such a lonely experience, and your grief counselling in May is likely feeling a long time away.


The Canadian Virtual Hospice has an online resource about grief that you may find helpful during this wait. It is called mygrief.ca (www.mygrief.ca), it’s easy to access online and will hopefully make you feel less alone while adjusting to life and making decisions for the future.


If you are looking for additional support, you may be able to find grief programs or resources in your area. The Canadian Virtual Hospice has a listing of these resources in Canada that can be found here:  http://www.virtualhospice.ca/en_US/Main+Site+Navigation/Home/Support/Resources/Programs+and+Services.aspx . Click on your province/territory and then click on “Bereavement Services”. If your husband was cared for by a hospice or palliative care program, they may also have recommendations about local grief resources.


Sincerely,


Simone (CVH Moderator)


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Reply by DivineLife
08 Feb 2019, 2:46 AM

Hi CarlaVB

My apologies, I did respond sooner to your message but i guess that it didnt make it through.  I'm very new to this site, and still not to familiar on the rules. I am super happy to see Simone answer however, since it is pretty much what I was offering for help but she has helped me see the guidelines - and has given you a few resources which is awesome

As a grief coach I can certainly understand the importance of not rushing into decisions - however, as a fellow griever I can totally get the space you are in right now - that lost limbo. Struggling with trying to find someone to help you navigate your grief - but not having them soon enough. Simone is right - there are some amazing resources out there - Groups, Online support, etc. I know because I hold similar resources. It is worth a reach out. Just follow your intuition. It will take you in the right diretion. 
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Reply by barbcurt
09 Feb 2019, 6:16 AM

Hi CarlaVB


I am sorry for your loss.  My wife passed in October and not a day goes by I don't miss her.  I just wanted to tell you how this website has helped me cope.  I had no clue about grief but knew I needed help badly so I reached out.  I found this website, it seemed good, and I am finding it does help me.  Unfortunatley I can offer no particular insights but only my support.  The people that have responded to my post have been tremendous.  I find it comforting just to know 'someone cares'.  People say to me they have no idea what I am going though and I now understand.  Do what you must to get by.  I have no answers.  Really, it just hurts all the time and all you can do is deal with it as best you can.  Only you truly know.

I wish you the best. If you find any solace that helps you deal with this new rality, please share.  It is a sad part of life that we must deal with.  I was totally unprepared for it. I don't think any one can be.

I wish you the best and understand.

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Reply by CarlaVB
11 Feb 2019, 10:55 PM

Hi Barbcurt
Thanks for your reply.  I read you letter as well, it’s all just to Sad.  

The one thing I am doing,  is writing down on pieces of paper, and putting in a jar, all the things I am thankful for my husband for.  This idea came from one of the books I was given.  I guess, no matter how sad we are now, we were so lucky to have them for the time we were given.

28 years, that’s great!!  But I sure understand your lost feeling!  I gave up my jobs when my husband got sick, so haven’t worked for a year and a half. I’m sure going back to work would help, but that’s always intimidating at the best of times.  Another issue is, I can’t sleep, so not a good way to start a new job.....also not sure where I plan to live.  Pretty sure I couldn’t sell our home, but awful lonely here all by myself.  I do have a small dog, this helps immensely!  Have to get out of bed, when someone else depends on you

Take care, I wish you the best 
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Reply by barbcurt
11 Feb 2019, 11:27 PM

Hi CarlaVB

Thank-you for your response.  I will give the writing a try.  It should help ensure I don't forget those moments so precious to me.  

I have a small cat.  She definitely helps me get out of bed in the morning.  I think she is getting a little spoiled. 

Sleep is an issue for me also.  I usually sit up watching TV until I start to drift off before I can go to bed but that only helps a little.  Work does help take your mind off things temporarily but when you come home to an empty house it all floods back in.  

Do what you can and take care of yourself.
 

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Reply by Canuck
20 Feb 2019, 5:56 PM

Hi to all the above,
As I am new to this format, the few comments i have read remind me once again that I am not alone on this terrible journey.  My wife died in November, '18 after 15 months of dealing cancer and various treatments---and it is just so raw.
I have to keep reminding myself that is has only been such a short time and that I have to be patient and keep moving.   The grief blanket is just heavy at times and some days, just when I seem to feel 'lighter', the  blanket is felt as 'heavy' once again.   The support group I have just started to attend does help me --  the realization that comes at each gathering that one is not alone, even though it feels like it time and time again.  So at this moment of reading and writing a reply, I receive with gratitude and have no words to offer others right now. Thank you for this site.
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Reply by Ogechi Asagwara (Ogechi@virtualhospice.ca)
20 Feb 2019, 7:04 PM

It is not always easy to speak candidly about ourown personal experiences with grief, so I thank you for sharing this with us.

 

- Ogechi (CVH Moderator)
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Reply by CarlaVB
20 Feb 2019, 8:22 PM

 

Hi Canuck 
wow, reading your story, I though was my own.   Some days I feel I can’t go on.  
Lost my husband in Nov. and then my dad in January.  I’m trying to help my mom; who was just placed in a care home, but difficult when I feel so broken.
Of course occasions are tough, not sure if celebrating with my late husband is helping or hindering me??  I had lobster for Valentine’s Day, but drank my wine & his beer, and cried a lot.
i knew it would be hard, just not this hard!!!!
Then the 17th was the day we met...another tough day.  Would have been 10 years, just doesn’t seem fair that’s all we got!!  How can spending a lifetime together only be 10 years!,
im starting counseling next month, so hoping that helps. 
I guess I just needed to vent...thanks for listening, as I think only someone who has gone through it can understand  
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Reply by DivineLife
20 Feb 2019, 8:48 PM

You are both doing exactly what you need to.
The only way through grief is through it. Those days are sooooooo hard. So so hard. And you most definitely are not alone.
I love that you are both honouring your loved ones, and that you are giving yourself space to grieve and lots of self love.
Dont forget to “take a break” and do something just for you. A spa day to treat yourself or lunch with a friend. Take a drive or go to your favourite store. Just something to give yourself a mental break. It’s okay to check out for a few hours and allow yourself a break. 
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