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everything hurts  
Started by Jaifb
16 Apr 2019, 2:45 AM

Hi, 

I am not quite sure how any of this works. However, I’ve decided that ’enough is enough’ and I need help.
On march 21, 2019 I lost my boyfriend, bestfriend, confidante, soul mate, and my love. We have been together for three years, lived together, and have two dogs together.  at 530am I got up for clinical (im a nursing student) and I found him dead on the couch. I proceeded to give him cpr for 11 minutes- knowing that he was cold and blue. I knew he was dead the moment I saw him but continued to give cpr without a momentary break until paramedics arrived. 
He was pronounced dead at the hospital. He was 27 years old. We had a bright future together.
We had plans. We had so much more living to do.
His parents who are his next of kin have been sure to rip everything away from me. They tried to get me to vacate my home within 3 days (the home we shared for over 2 years). They tried to do so by lying to me about various things. 
long story short I had to unfortunately ask for legal assistance to allow me 60 days to vacate the home. I have been off school wondering around with my two dogs .. staying with my mother.
I was promised his ashes which I have not received. These are people that told me they loved me and welcome me within their family. I know people do weird stuff when it comes to Grief But this is next level.
I have given communication to my parents to deal with my boyfriends parents because Whenever they speak about his physical items I become physically and mentally ill. Oh yah he didn’t have a Will so everything is genuinely a mess. Who has a will at 27? I have been given a leave from school because I’m not even able to cope with the mess of my life. To top it off i lost my job a few weeks before he passed.  My life has been completely shattered. I can’t even grieve because of all these other things that are going on. 
I miss the person who made things like this better.  The person who made me laugh when it wasn’t possible to even make me smile. I miss holding his hand. I miss his smile and his laugh. I miss the way my family loved him. I don’t know how to deal with all this let alone deal with the loss of the person who could make this pain go away. I’m lost, Angry. Sad. Depressed, empty, broken, and feel betrayed by his family. I wanted to honour him in The way I carried out my life but how can I do that when his family wants to take more and more of Myself and him away from me? I need someone to talk to ... please I feel so alone. I want my love back he would know what to say to make this pain go away  
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Reply by NatR
17 Apr 2019, 8:45 PM

Oh my jaifb 
i am so very sorry to read of your circumstances and the untimely loss of your partner.
my sincere condolences to you at this difficult time.  There are no words that can take away the pain and shock you are experiencing.  

Your pain and your loss is extraordinary and so unexpected.  You write that your are in Training as a nurse.  Your choice of careers means you have a desire to help others.  As difficult as this time in your life is, your need for comfort and support is important.

 The unexpected loss of your partner is going to take all of your energy right now.  Your writing to this message board indicates your need to hear back from someone who can just hear you - and I do.

there are no easy answers, but it sounds like your parents are trying to help.  That’s important.  Don’t feel alone.  Please write again and get it out on this page.  Just sharing your pain here is important and we want to support you as best we can.  
Its a way to connect from one heart to another, from one part of the country to another.  Burdens and loss touch us all.  We feel your stress and want to make it easier .
please let us know how you are doing.  It does get easier but not right away.  Just have faith and write your feelings.
sending you heartfelt hugs 
natR 
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Reply by barbcurt
19 Apr 2019, 2:10 AM

Hi Jaifb

I am so sorry to hear about your loss.  I do know the pain when the unexpected happens and your world is changed forever.  Being so close and losing the one who you share everything with is not easy.  It is the hardest thing i have ever had to deal with. I too have lost the person who I can talk to, who can always make things better. 
I do not know if anything I say will help but I just wanted to know you have people to talk to.  Reaching out is not something that is easily done and I am glad you have.  This place, hopefully, will help you deal with the challenges you now face.  I found the most comfort simply in knowing that I am not alone and that the people who post here will listen, not cast judgment, and genuinely try to help.  Keep posting, we are all here to help. It does not seem fair but life just moves on with or without us.  Together, talking and sharing, hopefully we can lessen each others burdens and get through a truly painful part of our own lives.  

May you find some solice in sharing.  Be patient.  It is a long road.  Make sure you take care of yourself and do what you must.
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Reply by NatR
19 Apr 2019, 1:17 PM

Thank you barbcurt,
for sharing and welcoming jaifb to the forum
i am glad to see your note this morning 
it really is true barbcurt that we all travel a bumpy road and we just need a hand up and a safe place to share feelings
hugs to you both today
one step at a time -
natr 🌺 
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