Good morning, CarolynMarie and Jim:

It is for many of us very difficult to be thrust into the position of receiving care from others, especially when we see ourselves as independent by nature and worse when we feel we have no choice but to accept it. It may be a humbling and awkward experience at times no matter which end we find ourselves on as the one giving or accepting support.

I just want to say for whatever it's worth, that I have been on both the giving and receiving end of care at various times of my life, and I always found it harder to be on the receiving end. Why, I wonder, do so many of us struggle with accepting help from others when we all know how rewarding it is to give of ourselves to others? Sometimes I have felt guilty for not having fully appreciated the giver's help as if I somehow had a responsibility to ensure them the pleasure we all receive from the act of giving. Expressing gratitude for each act of kindness is so important I feel, and yet I feel it is also important that one should never give in order to receive gratitude or any other reward. Giving must come straight from the heart to be trusted and any strings of attachment must be cut.

I have thought a lot about this and it seems most people prefer to give than to receive, yet in my experience there is little distinction between giving and receiving as they go together. Both giving and receiving are invaluable and virtuous. When the motive for offering help and understanding is pure and guided by a genuinely unselfish desire to be of service to another, it is a glorious gift. Giving is in my view receiving. I remind myself of that view often as it keeps me grounded and attuned to the fact that both are essential qualities of any relationship.

The times I have found it particularly hard to allow others to care for and about me have been when I have sensed that there was an imbalance of power or an ulterior motive on the part of the giver. Giving must not carry with it a price and the receiver must not be expected to pay one. Have you ever felt, in a vulnerable moment, sensitive about accepting help from others whom you feel may not be offering their help to you without strings attached? Do you feel indebted to those whom help you? Do you feel imposed upon at times by helpers?

Personally, I have an aversion to the notion of "do-gooders", those whom insinuate themselves into one's painful experience without any respect for one's privacy or dignity and expect by doing so to be fulfilled at the expense of another. Have you ever felt exploited or put upon by others whose motives are questionable?

Maybe I have lessons to learn around pride, and perhaps I am overly sensitive to the intrusions by givers to reluctant receivers, as in cases where my Mom had so many well-meaning helpers feel put out and offended when she chose not to accept their involvement. I always felt a responsibility to protect my Mom from prying eyes and wagging tongues and therefore in those times when she was hospitalized due a mental health crisis I respected her right to be cared for by professionals and rightly excluded her family from visits until she was stronger and felt more like herself and able to deal with their insensitive attitudes. These decisions were viewed as personal rejections by those willing and wanting to help, but the kind of help my Mom needed was to be left alone to heal without having the additional burden of embarrassment for being seen at her self-perceived worst in the eyes of those she loved best while she recovered. Every act of giving must make the effort to consider first the actual needs of the person before deciding that another knows best what someone else needs. Sometimes the best thing we can give is space.

I feel grateful for those who give willingly, lovingly and selflessly of their time, care and concern, but I think no matter which end we are one we must always strive to consider the other's feelings and respect them. Communicating honestly our wishes and feelings helps define the relationship between giver and receiver and the acknowledgement that we will all at some point - many points - of our lives be both.

Thinking of you both today and sending you positive thoughts and support your way.

Cath  

PS CarolynMarie: I wrote to you in your thread Your legacy ~ What to leave behind for your loved ones? I posted it the day we had technical difficulties on the forum and I just want to ensure that you know I responded to you and welcomed you home!:-)